Old fashioned clean jokes

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Tizer
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 05 Feb 2018, 10:19

It must have been a trailer - it was on the BH programme too, later in the morning. Perhaps it was also on BH I heard it related that the wonderful Linda Smith said how she bought a CD of whale song but when she got home she found it was a dolphin tribute album. Her Guardian obituary says she was born in Erith, Kent, a town of which she said: "It's not twinned with anywhere, but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham."

That obit also says: "She was a true satirist with an eye for the ridiculous, the bogus and the vain. Her leftwing politics were never dry nor passionless, nor did they stray into rhetoric. They came from a basic sense of what is decent, fair, sensible and humane. She was an observant atheist and had been president of the British Humanist Association for two years. She was deeply sceptical about many things and her wit could be savagely cutting, but I do not think it was ever cruel. She was hard but fair." Linda Smith

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 06 Feb 2018, 04:59

:good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by plaques » 06 Feb 2018, 14:54

Two West Australian rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along,, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."The second hunter said, "I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter said, "Hey, there's an old automobile gear box over there. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

They were standing there looking over the edge of the hole and listening when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole, and, without hesitation, jump in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say there," said the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to a gear box."

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 06 Feb 2018, 15:05

That story was told on the radio many years ago. I think it was Radio2 or Radio 4 that had a program where people phoned in their true confessions of an embarrassing nature and asked for forgiveness. The story was a couple of drunks staggering home from the pub in the dark who came across a big opening in a field and threw down an old wooden railway sleeper and apologised to the farmer and asked forgiveness for the death of his goat. The DJs would then vote whether to absolve them of their transgressions.

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by PanBiker » 06 Feb 2018, 17:16

The show is Radio 2's Drivetime with Simon Mayo and the slot is indeed "confessions".
Ian

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Cathy » 06 Feb 2018, 18:08

Plaque 's :good:
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. :)

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 07 Feb 2018, 06:00

It's a good story anyway....
P was slumming in Barlick yesterday......
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by plaques » 13 Feb 2018, 14:39

A Doctor was addressing a large audience

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his and, softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 14 Feb 2018, 04:01

Said with feeling...... :good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Bodger » 14 Feb 2018, 13:24

Barack, Hillary and Donald are standing in front of the throne of heaven. Almighty God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I want to ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”

God asks Barack first: “Son, What do you believe in?”

Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my citizens.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and asks, “And what do you believe in?”

Hillary calculates for a while and then says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Barack I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hillary’s eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and asks, “And you, Donald, what do you believe in?”

Donald replies, “I believe that, you are in my seat.”

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 15 Feb 2018, 04:10

That's about right...... :good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 15 Feb 2018, 11:34

Image
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 16 Feb 2018, 04:35

:good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by plaques » 16 Feb 2018, 18:42

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old woman who hypnotized everyone with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hung over Bob’s arm and listened intently to his every word.

His pals at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re amazed, but continue to ask: “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 17 Feb 2018, 04:11

Shades of Rupert Murdoch......
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 17 Feb 2018, 11:11

Clever man, Bob. He knows there are no pockets in a shroud but also knows there's an advantage to money in the bank!

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 18 Feb 2018, 04:54

:good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 18 Feb 2018, 11:00

Some comments from the Diary in Saturday's copy of The Times...
Kentucky Fried Chicken has advertised for its first `legal trainee' and had 600 applicants. The KFC legal director used the LinkedIn web site to tell unlucky rejects that she couldn't provide individual feedback but left some useful general tips, including to use CV photos where you `have your clothes on'.

Asked in a discussion about politicians and their pets if she had an animal, Home Secretary Amber Rudd replied: "No, but I do have a 24-year-old who still lives at home".

Author John Boyne was in a bookshop as a customer walked in and asked for "Arseholes at Night". The bookseller was aghast but the man continued: "Recently a movie. Arseholes at Night." Before the bookseller lost his temper, Boyne interrupted: "I think he's referring to Kent Haruf's `Our Souls at Night'."

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 19 Feb 2018, 04:19

When I was open all hours at Sough a little lad came in and asked for bum paper. I gave him a toilet roll and he looked at me as though I was daft. It took a while to ascertain that what he wanted was 'Bun Papers', the corrugated paper cups for small buns......
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 19 Feb 2018, 09:52

The two Ronnies. Fork handles or four candles! :laugh5:

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 19 Feb 2018, 13:08

Two beach boys walk into a bar

"Round?" "Round"

"Get a round?" "I'll get a round"
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by PanBiker » 19 Feb 2018, 13:12

:biggrin2: :laugh5:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 20 Feb 2018, 03:03

:good:
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