Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

Cartoon on the Sunday Times front page today. A man and a woman are in a room full of stacked cans. One is saying to the other: `We're stockpiling cans to kick down the road.'

[Stanley]

It must be a very large pile!

[Bodger]

Morning Sex, It’s All About The Timing!
My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast and wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said in a hurried tone, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes opened wide as I thought, “either I’m still dreaming or this is going to be a great day!” Not being one to argue with my wife about morning sex, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen counter.

Afterward she said, “Thanks,” straightened her shirt and returned to the stove and took the eggs out of the pan.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”



She set my plate on the table and said matter-of-factly, “Oh, the egg timer is broken.”

[Bodger]

How Would You Describe Couple Sex?
Image For How Would You Describe Couple Sex Joke An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa what is couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?

The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

[Stanley]

They both made me laugh Bodge. Thanks!

[Bodger]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps and pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at
two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the
corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant.

So far today we've had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

[Tizer]

Haha, brilliant, Bodger!

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

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It nearly went into Politics Corner...

[Stanley]

It could have done Kev. It is too close to the truth.

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

That reminds me of when my mate Ted Lawson asked me where a woman's 'yet' was. I told him I had never heard that euphemism and asked him where he had come across it. He said it was a news report about a woman being shot and the bullet was in her yet......

[Bodger]

Tombstone epitaphs
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at
home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has
a job.


2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.


3. It's important to have a woman who you can
trust, and doesn't lie to you.


4. It's important to have a woman who likes to be
with you.


5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead
like me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TWO THINGS I LOVE MOST,
GOOD HORSES AND BEAUTIFUL
WOMEN. AND WHEN I DIE I HOPE
THEY TAN THIS OLD HIDE OF MINE
AND MAKE IT INTO A LADIES RIDING
SADDLE, SO I CAN REST IN PEACE
BETWEEN THE TWO THINGS I LOVE
MOST.

[Big Kev]

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Let's see how long it takes...

[PanBiker]

Ha! - No C

[Big Kev]

That didn't take long
Good job I didn't put it in the Mystery Objects thread

[Big Kev]

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[Cathy]

[Stanley]

Man to pub pianist. "Do you know you're flies are undone?" Pianist; "No, hum it and I'll play it....".

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

[Stanley]

A vicar was out having his afternoon walk on the moor and chanced across a young lady sunbathing in the nude who was asleep. He carefully laid a sun warmed piece of slate to preserve her modesty and carried on. Not long afterwards two old blokes walked past and glanced at the young lady but said nothing as they carried on. A while afterwards one said to the other "Did you see that young lady?" His mate said "Yes, and you know what, my memory must be failing, I thought they were thatched!" (Sorry about that.....)

[Stanley]

I was going to post a very funny but risqué joke about Mrs Gandhi but decided that we have had too many lessons in responsibility in social media posts to ignore them so you aren't getting it. The world has changed hasn't it......

[Bodger]

From Facebook,
For the first time ever we could see the end of May before the end of April ?

[Stanley]

Very possible Bodge! I like it.....