Old fashioned clean jokes

plaques
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by plaques » 10 Jun 2018, 17:10

Dad type joke,

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our Local pet shop and they were £20!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Cathy » 11 Jun 2018, 01:01

:good:
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. :)

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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 11 Jun 2018, 02:52

:biggrin2:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 11 Jun 2018, 08:49

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are very excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist shop. Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Yes"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

JACK: "THEN WE'D LIKE TO USE THIS STORE FOR OUR WEDDING PRESENTS LIST..."

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 12 Jun 2018, 03:08

That reminds me of the one about the two bats hung upside down in a cave discussing the disadvantages of old age. One asked the other what he feared most, the answer was "incontinence".
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 24 Jun 2018, 11:28

A couple of nibs from yesterday's copy of The Times...

An announcement heard by a reader while the train pulled into Euston: `We apologise for the late arrival of this train. This was caused by a shortage of drivers due to a failed Virgin in the Leighton Buzzard area.'

The `upskirting' issue reminded a reader of the story about an American lady visiting Edinburgh who paused to admire a soldier's splendid kilt. "Tell me", she said, "is anything worn beneath it?" Quick as a flash came his reply: "No, madam, it's all in perfect working order."

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 25 Jun 2018, 04:03

:biggrin2:
As a matter of record, when I was with the Black Watch in Berlin I found that Queen's Regulations for Scottish Regiments stipulated that nothing was to be worn under the kilt......
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 01 Jul 2018, 09:55

Jewsih joke...
Bernstein walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?” :smile:

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 02 Jul 2018, 03:15

Nice......
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Cathy » 02 Jul 2018, 05:36

An Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Australian, a Jew, a Muslim and a Gentile go into a bar (did I miss one??) and they all ask for a drink.
Landlord looks at them and says
"I'm so sorry guys but I can't serve you all without a Tie.".
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. :)

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 02 Jul 2018, 09:23

I guess that joke makes more sense in Australia than it does here! Here it would be something like `I can't serve you without a cheque'.

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 03 Jul 2018, 04:01

It took a while before I checked in Tiz, I think he meant 'Thai'....... The Aussie connection is that many of them holiday there.....
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Cathy » 03 Jul 2018, 05:27

Yes Tie means Thai.
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. :)

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 03 Jul 2018, 05:51

:good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 26 Jul 2018, 07:45

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, otally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some asshole's got my pen!'

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 27 Jul 2018, 03:53

I like it!
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 27 Jul 2018, 16:05

Does anyone know if the Arachnaphobia Society has a website?
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 28 Jul 2018, 02:15

:good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 29 Jul 2018, 03:50

A mention of times tables in Childhood Memories reminded me of this true story.
At a Parent/Teachers meeting at Gisburn Primary school a father got up and asked a question..... "Is it really necessary for our children to be made to repeat, parrot fashion, things like 8x9 is 78?"
I doubt if his wife ever let him forget that....... He answered his own question.
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Cathy » 14 Aug 2018, 05:10

Not jokes but funny anyway
Journalistic Licence?
"For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand".

"Four-poster bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. :)

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 15 Aug 2018, 05:31

I like all of them Cathy!
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Cathy » 15 Aug 2018, 06:34

Heard an English lady say this today,
"Itchy bum, surprise to come."
Made me laugh. :laugh5:
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. :)

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 15 Aug 2018, 08:24

Cathy wrote:
15 Aug 2018, 06:34
Heard an English lady say this today,
"Itchy bum, surprise to come."
Made me laugh. :laugh5:
and the second verse?
► Show Spoiler

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 16 Aug 2018, 03:48

I could have done without the last part!
Never heard that one before Cathy.
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 17 Aug 2018, 09:51

The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
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