Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

Nice one, Kev. He's probably on a regular dose of castor oil to keep him mobile!

[Stanley]

I liked it as well.....
I am not going to repeat my shaggy dog story about the man who lived in a hotel and was caught short by a very powerful laxative before he got back to his room. However I shall give you the punch line. Fred, the porter who had been given the job of following the man and cleaning up the 'golden trail' said this when he eventually got to the man's room and was thanked by the poor man. "Mr Mornington-Smythe, as always it is a pleasure to serve you but next time, STAND STILL!!!

[Tizer]

I saw this mention of a Chuckle brothers sketch in the paper...
The two of them are in bed in the middle of the night:
Barry: What time is it?
Paul: Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.
Blows trombone loudly...
Voice off stage: Who's that playing the trombone at two in the morning?

[Stanley]

Good one Tiz......

[Tizer]

Top Ten Edinburgh Fringe jokes 2018:

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

[Tizer]

That's a clever one!

[Stanley]

I like it as well!
That's what Squee Gordon, a former college principle in Montreal, would call a 'formal tee shirt', it hasn't got any art on it.

[Tizer]

The Sunday Times cartoon has a picture of Boris Johnson holding a suitcase and standing outside No.10 Downing Street. He's talking to the policeman on duty and saying `I'm looking for somewhere to live'.

[Stanley]

I made the same point in politics this morning....., Can't keep his trousers on and homeless.... and some of the jerks think he's fit to run the country? Give me a break!

[Tripps]

wrong on internet.png

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

This is from a reader of The Times in response to a story about an escaped animal: `It reminded me of when a circus set up in a park on the outskirts of Hull. This caused consternation among the locals. "What happens if the lions escape and go into the city centre?" people asked. To which the response was: "They'll just have to take their chances, same as the rest of us".

[Tripps]

When I worked in Huyton, Liverpool in the 70's there was such an incident. Covered in the press along the lines of s 'lions terrorised by locals - circus leaves town.'

Google throws up this Huyton circus incident

[Tizer]

I can imagine that happening. When I was a student in Liverpool we never ventured into Huyton, it had such a bad reputation.

[chinatyke]

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that?" I asked.
"Germany - there's millions of 'em there..." said the parrot.

[plaques]

Very similar to the man who arrives at his pals house with a very scruffy yorkshire terrier at the end of a long lead.
"Where did you get that" asks his pal.
"Its my daughters"
"I wasn't talking to you".

[PostmanPete]

England v South Africa rugby match 03/11/2018 Twickenham

A friend of mine has 2 tickets with access to corporate box for this match. He paid €600 each but didnt realise when he bought them that it was going to be in the same afternoon as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. …..it is at the Registry Office in Skipton at 4.30pm. The bride’s name is Nicole – she is 5′ 7″ , quiet pretty and is a really good cook. She will be the one in the white dress..

[Stanley]

I like it......

[Bodger]

What are you doing on that laptop?" asked my wife.
"How does Turkey this year sound," I smiled, "Me, you and the two kids, what do you say?"
"When?" she asked.
"Christmas time," I replied.
"It sounds amazing, but we can't afford it," she asked with a quiver in her voice.
"Yes we can," I replied, "Tesco are doing a big one for £12.99 if we pre-order it now."

[Stanley]

Unusually I saw that one coming Bodge..... It's still good!

[Tizer]

In the 1980s, and with encouragement from President Reagan, the CIA collected Russian jokes in the hope of using them in some kind of subversive project. These have been released after declassification and The Times related some of them on the weekend. Here we go...

A Russian man walked into a shop and asked the lady behind the counter: You don't have any meat?". The lady replied: We don't have any fish. It's the store across the street that doesn't have any meat."

A man queueing outside an off-licence tells the fellow next to him: "I've had enough, save my place, I'm going to shoot Gorbachev." Two hours later he returns to reclaim his place. Hi friend asks: "Did you get him?" and the man replies, "No the line there was even longer than the line here."

A babushka asks an official if communism was invented by communists or scientists. "Why, the communists of course!" the official tells her. "That's what I thought," she replies. "If the scientists had invented it, they would have tested it first on dogs."

A man trying to buy a car is told it will be delivered in ten year's time. "Morning or afternoon", the man asks. The fellow behind the counter said, "Well ten years from now, what difference does it make?" and the man said, "Well the plumber's coming in the morning".

[Stanley]

I like all of them and strongly reminiscent of the best Jewish humour. (Is it all right to say that?)

[Tizer]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the Checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late Son." He answered, "That's okay". She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the Checkout, and as she was on her way out of the Store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum." The little old Lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's Day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to £121.85,"said the Cashier. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items." The Cashier replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too