Old fashioned clean jokes

[chinatyke]

[Stanley]

Oh dear......

[Tizer]

Joke letter put on Twitter by LibDem Press Office...

[Stanley]

And even less at the end of the month. Brecon and Radnorshire looms.....

[Big Kev]

I went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees.
The owner counted out 13 and put them in a bag.
I said "you've given me one too many"

He said "that's a freebie"

[Stanley]

[Lyn]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

and one more

Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“

Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”

You can read more clean jokes.

[Stanley]

Not a bad start......

[chinatyke]

Student: "Do you like kids?"

Teacher (Me) : "Yes, but I couldn't eat a full one."

100 Chinese under-grads looking puzzled as I split my sides laughing.

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

The old ones are always the best.

[plaques]

Student: "Do you like kids?"

Teacher (Me) : "Yes, but I couldn't eat a full one."

You're lucky to get away with that one. In some of the big China famines there were reports of families giving their children away because they couldn't feed them. There was a strong suspicion that these babies disappear for good. Very sad.

[Stanley]

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassée or a ragout."

Remember Swift's 'Modest Proposal'?

[chinatyke]

You're lucky to get away with that one. In some of the big China famines there were reports of families giving their children away because they couldn't feed them. There was a strong suspicion that these babies disappear for good. Very sad.

Especially girls. Some of the births wouldn't be registered. A very sad time.

This was a long time before these particular students were born and things like this are not spoken about, even in families. I doubt they even knew about the great famine.

[Tizer]

In a letter in The Times a gent tells how he searched for alternatives for swear words to avoid offending people. He has settled on `bollards' and `futtocks'.

[Stanley]

Nice one Tiz...
My mate David Moore once taught under a headmaster who modified his swearing to use Bewger and Fewking. David said that a couple of ladies on the Board of Governors took to them and used them frequently.

[Tripps]

I emphatically favour the real thing for Indian scammers - ( he said I was rude!) -

I never used it, but I like 'fizzing'.

No mention of Jeff here, but this seems timely.

Have you heard of the family Stein?
There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.
Gert's poems are bunk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And nobody understands Ein.

[Stanley]

(Don't waste breath on scammers David...)

[Bodger]

In Ireland the usual term is Feckin

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...

She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...

He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort...

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife...

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel...

She said, “That was incredible!”...

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along”...

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths...

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath...

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”...

“No”, she said, “I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey”.

[Stanley]

Oh dear.... Was she called Maggie May?

[Tizer]

The Top Ten jokes chosen at this year's Edinburgh Fringe...

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets" - Olaf Falafel

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott

"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith

"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford

"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons

"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

[Stanley]

All clever and witty but my favourite is the last one. It's very true!

[Tizer]

When I posted the list of jokes I thought the first one, the winner, might raise some hackles. Now I find it has done so...
`Edinburgh Fringe: Tourette's charity wants apology over award-winning joke' LINK
My personal view is that it's simply a play on words, on language, and not meant to be abusive but we now live in a world where people are always looking for any sign of criticism or abuse. Charities leap at any opportunity to defend their particular cause.

[Tripps]

I didn't think much of any of this year's offerings. I still like the one that won a couple of years ago -

"I just had one of those holidays of a lifetime - never again"

PS Just found this perceptive comment from Margaret Ashworth (of Clitheroe I think)

The Swedish (aha, another joke about vegetables) comic who created it, Olaf Falafel, is obviously a funny chap. His comment on winning the Dave award was much better than the top gag itself: ‘This is a fantastic honour but it’s like I’ve always said, jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.’

I wonder, however, what the BBC and our culture watchdogs would have made of the Tourette’s joke if it had been told by Bernard Manning or Jim Davidson?

[Stanley]

At the moment the best one-liners are to be found in the statements of government apparatchiks put up to convince us that Brexit is no big deal.