Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tripps]

This is beyond clever. . . .brilliant - and in Pendle.

Higherford Mill

[Cathy]

Very cool, and I managed to get a screen shot at the end.

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[Stanley]

Happy memories of the mill, I was involved when PH first took it over. Very clever Trompe l'oeil.

[Bodger]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Stanley]

I didn't see that one coming Bodge!

[Big Kev]

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

Exactly. Do you remember the Peter Sellers film, 'Being There'? Only 40 years ago.

[Cathy]

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[Stanley]

[Stanley]

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.” The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. “973,” says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.” Man says sure. “You are an economist for a government think tank,” says the shepherd. “Amazing!” responds the man, “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant says “On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

Glad you liked it Cathy. I did think it might be a bit specialised. Love the one about the bloke picking the dog up.

[Tizer]

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

Good joke Stanley but I think perhaps you've mixed up the economist and the accountant!

[Stanley]

I thought that as well Peter!

[Tizer]

I've just read a story told by Stephen Fry about his school's careers master. All the pupils knew that the master would ask them what they wanted to be and then he would write whatever they told him on their letter of recommendation. If they said `don't know' he would write accountant. When asked, Fry said `I would like to be a careers adviser'. When he got his letter the master had written comedian.
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This is true...a letter supposedly signed by 1500 scientists was presented to the government demanding that lockdown should be eased to allow economic activity to carry on. Sky TV has studied the letter and found that many of the people named were not scientists but also there were many false names. The one that I liked most was someone who called himself Cominic Dummings. I think this should be how we refer to Dominic Cummings in future!

[Stanley]

'Cominic Dummings'. Goes straight into my lexicon next to insulting tape and non-ferocious metals!
I heard a story yesterday about Neils Bohr. He had a horseshoe over the door to his office and when asked if he believed it worked he said that it made no difference whether he believed or not. If it was true it would still work.

[plaques]

Sanjay Thakrar, CEO at Euro Exim Bank Ltd. got economists thinking when he said:

“A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy.
He does not buy a car and does not take a car loan.
Does not buy car insurance.
Does not buy fuel.
Does not send his car for servicing and repairs.
Does not use paid parking.
Does not become obese.
Yes,.....and well, damn it!! Healthy people are not needed for an economy.
They do not buy drugs.
They do not go to hospitals and doctors.
They add nothing to a country's GDP.
On the contrary, every new McDonalds outlet creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 weight-loss experts apart from people working in McDonalds outlets.
Choose wisely: A cycle or a McDonalds? Worth thinking."

Walking is even worse.
Those people do not even buy a bicycle.

[PanBiker]

Those people, myself included have both. I'll have to cycle to Colne and get a Big Mac.

[Tizer]

I heard a story yesterday about Neils Bohr..

Here's another one. Part of his career was spent in his Carlsberg Foundation laboratory which, together with his house, was in the grounds of the Carlsberg brewery. I visited his lab, preserved in its original state, when I was making working visits to the Carlsberg Research Laboratories in the 1980s. The story is that there was a pipeline which delivered free beer to his house. This is untrue but he was provided with free bottled beer. And so was I when I spent time in their labs (and it was stronger than the Carlsberg lager that came to the UK!).

[Big Kev]

My wife told me, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you...plus there's your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love."

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

I like that one as well Cathy.
Peter, I stumbled across THIS site in the long grass a few days ago. Well worth a browse, it's where I got the Niels Bohr joke from.
What was the joke about Bohr, the barometer and the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

[Cathy]

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Ignore the second pic. I only selected one... ?

[Marilyn]

Did you mean to post that last one Cazza?
It’s quite “deep” but I do understand it