Old fashioned clean jokes

[Bodger]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box,
he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked..

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Wlll you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell?
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[Stanley]

An old one but still good. The one I heard was a 9" pianist.....

[Bodger]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
” I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Revenue Commissioners

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look, what's the matter with you?"
The woman says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said, "What did he say about your 65 year old bum?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A new phobia in S. A. "Oscarpistosis" the fear of going to your boyfriends bathroom

[Bodger]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an arsehole."

[Tizer]

A jewish joke...
President Clinton was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the CIA and FBI and asked them to figure it out.

A week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something they call shabbat (Sabbath), and they meet each other at the synagogue, and there is a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret. It's ... "Nu?" When one says to another, "Nu?," the other tells him everything...every bit of news."

This Clinton wanted to see for himself. The secret service dressed him like a Hassid (very religious Jewish sect), and taught him to read from the right to the left in the siddur (Hebrew prayer book).

Clinton arrived at a synagogue on shabbat, and sat beside another religious man. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
The man answered... "Shh, Clinton is coming!"

[Stanley]

I first came across 'Nu' when I was living with a Jewish lady in NY. It's a very useful word and is a sort of universal question, it can be used anywhere. The shortest note I ever wrote was to her. All it said was 'Nu?' Which in that case meant 'how long' or more accurately 'Any time now?'. It was perfectly understood and I got the answer I was looking for.

[Bodger]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

[Stanley]

Lovely! I love Jewish humour....
Have you heard about the Rabbi who went into the sanctuary and cried out to God; " I need help with my son!" God responded immediately, a voice boomed out; "Funny you should mention that....."

[Bodger]

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke...
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "We are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"Coz he'd be buggered if he needed glasses".

[Tizer]

I listened to an interview with Ian Wilmott yesterday; he's the scientist who created Dolly, the cloned sheep. When asked how it came to be called Dolly he explained how the cloning used cells from a sheep's breast tissue and people gave it that name after Dolly Parton because of her `impressive breast tissue'. The interviewer speculated on what Ms Parton might have thought about it but Wilmott said her agent is reported to have said: "There's no such thing as baaaa-d publicity".

[Big Kev]

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the

"Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a

lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot

rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes

looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for

it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking

around before it slams down.

Perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is

happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Your going to love this....................


(read down)


Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

[Bodger]

The Great Lao-Tzu said:

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you come to realize that there can be value in solving problems without using violence."

[Stanley]

I like that.....

[Tizer]

A Jewish joke...
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?" The waiter said, "I don't know. I go into kitchen and ask manager." After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."

[Tizer]

....and to even things up here's a cartoon from a Christian jokes web site:

[Stanley]

Best Chinese restaurant I ever ate in was in NY and it was Kosher.....

[Tizer]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family."

[Big Kev]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

[Cathy]

Loving the jokes.