Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

Une Atco. French for lawn Mower....

[Big Kev]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV.

Conversation no longer runs and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

__________________________________

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update.

If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember… over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,

Tech Support.......

[Cathy]

(someone really thought that one thru)

[Cathy]

One day while walking through town, a Human Resources Manager was hit by a bus and tragically killed. Her soul arrived in Heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter.
“Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a HR Manager make it this far and we’re really not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders . What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in,” the Saint replied.
St. Peter put the HR Manager in an elevator and it went down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR Manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy, and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The HR Manager was having such a good time, that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got back into the elevator. The elevator went back up to the pearly gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven,” he said. She spent the next 24hrs lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24hrs were up and St.Peter came and got her.
“So , you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven, now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The HR Manager paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR Manager went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal.
The Devil came up, put his arm around her and laughed.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the HR Manager, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf club and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and grinned,
“That’s because yesterday we were recruiting you....
but today you’re staff.”

[Stanley]

Both very clever and very funny....

[Stanley]

A Czechoslovakian goes to the zoo and heads to the lion exhibit. He wants a closer look at the lions and before anyone could stop him, he was is their cage. He’s soon attacked and eaten by one of the lions.

A witness to this tragic event says to the zookeeper, “I saw the whole thing happen. It was a male lion who ate the Czechoslovakian. The zookeeper opens up one of the male lions, but finds no Czechoslovakian. He then opens up the other male lion; again, no Czechoslovakian. Finally, they open the female lion…there’s the Czechoslovakian.

Moral of the story is to never believe someone when they say “the Czech is in the male.”

[Cathy]

It got me a second or two later.

[Stanley]

Morning Cathy! Happy New Year....

[MickBrett]

Speaking of Czechoslovakia...

When Czechoslovakia split up the Czechs formed the Czech Republic and the Slovaks formed Slovakia.
But what happened to the O's ??

Happy New Year everyone.

[Big Kev]

Good point

[Big Kev]

This made me chuckle, it was on a tee shirt. I am considering buying one for Paulette

Screenshot_20211225-123140_Facebook.jpg

[Stanley]

Susan calls them 'Nana Naps'.

[Stanley]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted his cardiologist – Dr. Simon Goldstein in his shop. Dr. Goldstein was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
Goldstein, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new."
"So how come I make such a small salary – and you get the really big bucks? You and I are doing basically the same work!"
Dr. Goldstein paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, ''Try doing it with the engine running."

[Cathy]

Touché

[Stanley]

Morning Cathy!

[Big Kev]

FB_IMG_1641639811981.jpg

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

Unfortunately, like many good jokes, only too close to the mark.

[Big Kev]

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling £95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[Stanley]

That's new to me Kev and very, very good!

[Cathy]

I remember that one. Was it Bradders or China or...
I enjoyed it again tho

[Tizer]

It must have been before my time on OG - it's clever, Kev!
Better than my attempt...

Did you hear about the man who was jailed for putting poison in boxes of Kellog's Corn Flakes in the supermarkets? He got an extra long sentence for being a cereal offender.

[Big Kev]

I remember that one. Was it Bradders or China or...
I enjoyed it again tho

I tried searching the site but couldn't find it.

[Big Kev]

I've finally got over my addiction to the okey cokey, I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

[Cathy]