Brilliant, Kev - now can you do us a Pizza Fibonacci please?
By the way, Peter Brookes in The Times on Saturday did a lovely cartoon of three witches with the faces of Gove, Johnson and Farage all sitting around a boiling cauldron. Johnson is dropping in a little green frog whose face looks suspiciously like Cameron. And you can just see the face of Ossie peeking out of the liquid.
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
Bodge, you're right. "A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living.""
Love the pie and yes I got it....
And yes.... quality content!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
a few more
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.
He asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Roger Boyes, correspondent for the Times in Germany, writing about our relationship with those on the continent:
In Heaven on a perfect continent the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss. In Hell the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian. Oh, and the chefs are English.
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Amsterdam, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Pounds?"
Not sure if this is genuine Cleese but worth reading
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2016 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
On a beautiful summer day two Barlick lasses were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the ladies asked the waitress "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-king."
A philosopher asserted in a lecture that, whereas in many languages a double negative makes a positive, in no language does a double positive make a negative.
Instantly, from the back of the room, a voice piped up, “Yeah, yeah.”
Born to be mild Sapere Aude Ego Lego Preferred pronouns - Thou, Thee, Thy, Thine My non-working days are Monday - Sunday
This is not a joke! But it's a true story and it seems that my friends and relatives find it very funny...
New neighbours have moved in next door and they have a cat which has started to come into our garden and it's frightening away the wild life. It comes through a hole under our back hedge which adjoins the neighbours garden. I got some thin tree clippings, got down and blocked the hole by weaving them into the bottom of the hedge. Next door I heard the lady calling for the cat, "Tiddles, Tiddles, where are you?" As I completed the job I then heard "Tiddles, is that you?" from close at hand and realised she thought the commotion in the hedge was due to the cat. I popped my head above the hedge and she exclaimed "Oh, it's you" and I replied "Yes, I often answer to the name Tiddles." Thankfully, embarrassment turned immediately to laughter!
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
DonaldTrumpwas visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class.They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'
So the illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the
field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff,
killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room. "Isn't
there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and
blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss.... and
you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
Very good Bodger, the more jokes we have about Trump the better. Mind you, he probably makes them up himself because he sure as heck believes that any publicity is good publicity!
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt...
I'm reminded of the old definition joke. I've modified it for Trump.
If Donald Trump fell into the canal it would be an accident, if he drowned it would be a tragedy, if someone rescued him it would be a catastrophe.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
From BBC: "Life-size naked statues of Donald Trump suddenly sprang up on Thursday in the US cities of New York, Los Angeles, Seattle, San Francisco and Cleveland, quickly drawing attention of crowds." Employees of the New York City Parks removed the unauthorised installations and parks spokesman Sam Biederman quipped: "NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small."
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
