Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

What does it mean Cathy?

[Big Kev]

Sign seen outside a Bakery.
"Unattended children will be given Espresso"

[Cathy]

It means that some unattended children are usually up to no good and annoying to the staff and other customers. When the parents remember that they have children, gather them up and leave, they have to put up with their hyped up full-on behaviour.

[Stanley]

Thanks Cathy.... I thought that might be it but I wondered whether there was something I had missed.

[Bodger]

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump, but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes
This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in perfect order.
There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People are spitting on the wrong side.

[Stanley]

That's a good one!

[Bodger]

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to s ee which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where t he priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,

you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'


The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".
Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.
"I don't recognize any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track after a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused "No, I still don't recognize any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?" The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. "It's no good. I just don't recognize any of these wasps"
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says...






Wait for it.......











"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"

[Cathy]

Excellent.

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

I like it a lot! (Especially the online editor!)

[Tizer]

I loved Bodger's `The world's foremost authority on wasps' and Kev's Bile Card.

Barry Cryer tells a story told to him by Sir Alec Guinness. The old chap had been to a show and was collecting his coat at the end. He turned up at the cloakroom, searched in his pockets, but couldn't find the ticket for his coat. The porter said, "No problem, sir, I'd recognise you anywhere". Guinness collected his coat, gave the man a big tip and strode away feeling smug. Then he felt a piece of paper in his pocket, got it out and read it. It said: "Short, fat bloke with glasses".

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

I got my friend an elephant for his room.
He said thanks.
I said don't mention it.

[Stanley]

Clever.......

[plaques]

Two joggers arrive in the pub in all their gear and start talking about their sporting achievements. An old gent sitting at the bar chips in.
"My brother was a good athlete. Did 400yds in under 10 seconds."
" Nobody can run that fast!".
"Who said anything about running. He fell down a pit shaft!".

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

A married couple who are both circus performers have applied to adopt a child.
In the interview they tell the adoption agency that they live in a motor-home, have a cleaner and will organise a tutor for the child's education, also the child's nanny will be a full-time fully qualified paediatrician.
The agency is very impressed and just has one question for them.
"What is the age of the child you wish to adopt?"



They answer "Well it doesn't matter really... as long as they fit into the Cannon.".

[Stanley]

I like it!

[Stanley]

I was thinking.... I know the worst and nastiest joke in the world but would never repeat it to anyone. I wonder if we all have a similar one buried in our memory.... And no, I would never repeat it, even privately! Brain pollution.

[plaques]

And you keep telling us you are 'pure'. 10 hail Marys from you.

[Stanley]

It wasn't me that told it in the first place!

[Bodger]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her mobile phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful.
I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."