Old fashioned clean jokes

[Bodger]

A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in Auckland New Zealand with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in Sydney Australia, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
“Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Auckland New Zealand, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up… So she took them home and enjoyed a wonderful meal.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.

[Stanley]

I like it. Reminds me of some graffiti I once saw in a lavatory.
"It's no good standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump six feet!"

[plaques]

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[Marilyn]

( no...they are life lines love...HE did this to you!)

[Stanley]

[plaques]

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[plaques]

Marriage.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?".
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Red Skelton

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Arthur Morgan

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad. in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine'.
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'.
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive'.
Anonymous

[Bodger]

A father’s daughter brought home her prospective fiancee.
It was the first time he’d met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
“So, what do you do for a living?” he asked
“I have no job” he replied
“Really? Well, how do you expect to provide for my daughter?”>
“God will provide, I’m sure” was the answer from the intended
“And how exactly will he do that then?”
“God is merciful and will ensure we do not want,” he said with all sincerity
“And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?”
“God will ensure he provides a bounty for the whole family”
“OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?”
“I don’t know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways”
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
“What’s up a friend? You seem troubled”
“Well, I’ve just met my girl’s new fiancé”
“Oh man, bad news?”
“Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I’m God…”

[Stanley]

I like that!

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

I think this constitutes a joke...

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[Tizer]

No wonder Apple and Google laughed if Dom's mate asked for a `propriety code'! But then Dom probably doesn't let his mate use a spellchecker because `it's a tool of the global elite'.

Mrs Tiz found this cartoon in The Economist recently (she's been taking advantage of our Library's free access to periodicals'.

[Big Kev]

No wonder Apple and Google laughed if Dom's mate asked for a `propriety code'! But then Dom probably doesn't let his mate use a spellchecker because `it's a tool of the global elite'.

I missed that...

[Stanley]

You're right Kev, it is a joke! I heard a report on the various apps yesterday and another advantage they have is that they work internationally. It appears that there are even differences cross border in the 'UK'.

[plaques]

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[Stanley]

What an old Cynic you are Ken! But I like it.

[plaques]

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[Big Kev]

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[chinatyke]

Subject: Tragedy

The teacher asked Mr Johnson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said BoJo, 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said Johnson, 'That's what we would call a great loss.'
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. BoJo searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Boris, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either.

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

I have a request... There is on Facebook a video posted by either Susan or Margaret of me doing Susan's methylated spirits method of getting rid of water marks on a polished table. One of my friends told me she had seen it and it was the funniest thing she had seen in years. I have the video but don't know how to link it onto the site and I am not a member of Facebook. Can any of the experts out there find it and put a link on the site? It has me beat. I think it might amuse you.

[Tizer]

I don't think there's a mechanism for uploading video to the site. Ask Ian.

[Big Kev]

I have a request... There is on Facebook a video posted by either Susan or Margaret of me doing Susan's methylated spirits method of getting rid of water marks on a polished table. One of my friends told me she had seen it and it was the funniest thing she had seen in years. I have the video but don't know how to link it onto the site and I am not a member of Facebook. Can any of the experts out there find it and put a link on the site? It has me beat. I think it might amuse you.

I could add a link to the video that's on Facebook (if I could find it) but you'd need a Facebook account to see it. Best bet is to upload it to Youtube and post a link to it.

[Tripps]

Best bet is to upload it to Youtube and post a link to it.

Agreed. Probably need to start an account - but I've done it so quite possible.

[PanBiker]

The site won't do embedded video links. Only YouTube links in posts.

Late on the site today been otherwise engaged with medical matters.