Old fashioned clean jokes

[Cathy]

Cruel ? It wasn’t meant to be.
I doubt Sue will see it anyway.

[Stanley]

Probably just me Cathy. Ignore me.

[chinatyke]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine man is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine man gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

One morning the shoe-shine man asks the Executive Director: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"

The Director, looking down his nose, asks him rather arrogantly: "Why are you so interested in that topic'?"

" have a million dollars in your bank," the shoe shine man says, 'and I'm considering investing some of the money in the stock market."

"What is your name?" Asks the now reformed Director.

The shoe shine man says "John H. Smith."

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: "Do we have a client named John H. Smith?"
"Certainly"answers the Customer Service Manager "He is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account."

The Director walks out of the bank, approaches the shoe shine man, and says: "Mr. Smith, may I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you."

The following Monday, at the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members: "We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine on the corner, but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story: "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: to eat the apple and quench my hunger, or to start a business. I sold the apple for a dollar and bought two apples with the money. I also sold those and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and so started polishing shoes."

He paused and looked round at these high standing directors and continued "I did not spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved cent by cent, and after a while I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved cent by cent. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny."

"A few years ago, when the shoe shine man on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoe-shine location at this great location. I was very happy."
The board members listened attentively so he continued his story.
"Three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars."

[Cathy]

Why is he still shining shoes?

[chinatyke]

Why is he still shining shoes?

Perhaps he was trained by a Tyke and didn't want to throw away half a tin of shoe polish!

[Tripps]

Of course that made me check what a tyke actually was - rather than what I thought it was, and found this which might help someone

Tyke.png

[chinatyke]

I always thought a Tyke was just a Yorkshire person, not just a child or 'an unpleasant or coarse man'....

[Tripps]

So did I. It's funny what you find when you do a bit of digging.

I don't think from memory and personal experience, that Yorkshire has any more 'unpleasant or coarse' men than anywhere else, though the stereotype is not too far from reality.

[PanBiker]

Am I that unpleasant Tripps?

[Tripps]

Where did I say that? Besides you're an honorary Lancashire man now.

[PanBiker]

Wash your mouth out Tripps! Having said that we came 4th yesterday in a recent Pendle Labour Party, "Lancashire A-Z Quiz"

[Tripps]

It's a slow process Lancastrianisation - you're doing well.

Speaking of Pendle Labour Party - I once got an invitation, in error, to a Pie and Peas Supper from them, which accidentally revealed the entire mailing list. I think I mentioned it on here and called it 'pieandpeasgate'. I think it was from a chap called John Pope.

You could find it with a Google search once upon a time, but not now. It was in 2011 and Gordon Prentice was somehow involved. I emailed him about the Silentnight pension fund shenanigans. He replied thinking I was Sir David and called him 'growlly'.

Since he kept his blog going for a long time - I accused him of planning a return. He said definitely not, and he was right.

[Stanley]

I don't want to spoil the party but I always thought a Tyke was a scruffy bad tempered dog and was used for Yorkshiremen as a pejorative remark.

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the Forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing...
On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious they returned to the palace and the king gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential government positions, a practice which is unbroken to this day.

[Stanley]

I like that China!

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

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[Big Kev]

I wasn't sure if this should go here or under a general observation post

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[Stanley]

I like them both, the second is only too accurate!

[Cathy]

From FB land.

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why....

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have £30,000 in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to £3,000.

“Well, please let me have £3,000 now “, she the teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her.

The old lady put £10 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit £2,990 back into her account.

The moral of this tale.....

Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.

[Stanley]

Nice one Cathy!

[Big Kev]

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[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]