Old fashioned clean jokes

[BillHowcroft]

Some crackers to share round.

[Stanley]

It's catching isn't it....
God knows why but this lot triggered a memory of a story I once heard which is always regarded as true. Mike and Bernie Winters had a double act in their early days touring the music halls. Their act consisted of one of them standing in front of a blank curtain playing the violin very badly. After a short interval the other brother came in through the curtain and they started their double act. They were playing the Glasgow Empire one night, noted as being responsible for the death of many aspiring acts as the audience were very critical and didn't hesitate to show it. The audience sat in dead silence as the violinist played, absolutely baffled as to what was going on. The other brother slipped through the curtain and a broad Glaswegian voice at the back of the hall said "Of Christ! There's two of them!" The audience erupted and it was generally reckoned that this was the best laugh of the evening....

[Tizer]

These are all great jokes. I'm only just catching up on them after moving house and then a holiday. I have to give full marks to Bodger's baby photographer joke!

[chinatyke]

It's catching isn't it....
God knows why but this lot triggered a memory of a story I once heard which is always regarded as true. Mike and Bernie Winters had a double act in their early days touring the music halls. Their act consisted of one of them standing in front of a blank curtain playing the violin very badly. After a short interval the other brother came in through the curtain and they started their double act. They were playing the Glasgow Empire one night, noted as being responsible for the death of many aspiring acts as the audience were very critical and didn't hesitate to show it. The audience sat in dead silence as the violinist played, absolutely baffled as to what was going on. The other brother slipped through the curtain and a broad Glaswegian voice at the back of the hall said "Of Christ! There's two of them!" The audience erupted and it was generally reckoned that this was the best laugh of the evening....

I was in a working men's club at Breightmet one Saturday night when "the turn" came on and sang a song or two. He was hopeless but he introduced himself and said "I do requests" and someone immediately shouted out "Then fxxk off!" The audience burst out laughing and the poor guy stormed off the stage never to be seen there again.

[Stanley]

It must have been a hard schooling!

[Tizer]

In Saturday's paper Daniel Finkelstein wrote about when children ask awkward questions. His son, when aged six, asked him `What's a prostitute?' Fink tried to explain and his son said: `Oh, you mean like a whore then'. (He also said that when one of his kids asked `What's a brothel, dad?' he didn't have time to explain and told them it was a kind of soup. He never lived that one down.)

[Stanley]

Kids ask all the right questions......

[Bodger]

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“James,” the new seaman answered.

“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now,what’s your last name?”

The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”

“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

[Stanley]

I used to have a doctor called Love......

[BillHowcroft]

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!
We shall overcomb.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with Microsoft Windows.

[Marilyn]

Whenever something looks or smells disgusting I always say " It must have been scraped from Ghandi's feet"!

[Bodger]

While were on "shaggy dog stories" topical, In Catalan there was a stampede to leave a bull fight and several fans were killed! just goes to show " you shouldn't put all your Basques in one exit "

[Stanley]

Good God!!

[Bodger]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Stanley]

I like it.......

[Bodger]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
�The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Cathy]

A newly married wife feels her husband is spending too much time in his shed so she goes out to him to ask him why.
She looks around and says to him "Wouldn't you rather be inside with me, you don't really need all this junk and mess , the tools and fishing stuff, all those boxes, that old car, all that sports equipment you'll probably never use..."
With a quizzical look on his face the Husband says "Mmm really, you sound just like my ex-wife."
Wife "You never told me you were previously married."


Husband. "I wasn't."

[Stanley]

I like it Bodge!
Cathy, there are shed widows as well as golf widows.... That joke is so near the truth. I have told the story about advising the widow about her husband's shed. I hadn't the heart to tell her he had never done anything in there but chop firewood and sit by the stove......

[Bodger]

Cathy, I like that

[Stanley]

Hidden talents there Bodge. Cathy, you should post more jokes, they are always good!

[Bodger]

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

[Bodger]

Home Funnies Pray
Pray
October 17, 2017 Funnies

One day a father hears his son praying. “Dear God, you protect my mother, my father, my sister, my grandma and me.” Dad realizes that his child does not say his grandfa’s name but does not say it to the child. The next day his grandfather dies in traffic accident.
A few days later the father again hears “Dear God, you protect my mother, my father, my sister and me.” This time, the boy forgets to say his grandmother’s name. The next day her grandmother falls from the stairs and her neck is broken and dies.
A few days later the child again prays; “Dear God, you protect my mother, my sister and me.” The father noticed that; he is forgotten. And the next day, he is very careful because not to have an accident. In the evening, when he comes home, he asks his wife:
– “what happened today when I was at work?”
His wife said:
-“Nothing important about us, but the postman is dead !!!”

[Stanley]

The old ones are always the best.
Young lad in the army tells his mother that the sergeant has called him a bastard. Mother says "Don't tell your dad, he doesn't know."

[Cathy]

A guy is heading off to Bali for a holiday.
He asks his neighbour to feed his cat every day and to check on his Grandma every few days who lives at the end of his street.
After being on holiday for a couple of days he calls his neighbour and asks"Hows my cat"
Neighbour.. "Sorry mate, your cat is dead."
Guy.."Well that's ruined my holiday, why didn't you just say my cats on the roof, then I could call you in a few days and you'd say that my cat was still on the roof, then I'd call again just before I leave Bali and you'd say that my cat fell off the roof and died?"
Neighbour..."Oh sorry mate, I didn't mean to ruin your holiday"
Guy..."OK, how's my Grandma?"

After a few seconds the neighbour answers
"Well mate, its like this, you're Grandma is on the roof....."

[Stanley]

You are getting too good at this Cathy......