Old fashioned clean jokes

[chinatyke]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God' said an elderly nun at the back, 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.



"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

From the The Times `City Diary' on 13 Jan 2018...

[Stanley]

I love it!

[Big Kev]

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"
I was like, eh?!?!.,
I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!",
I said to the next doctor walking past , "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says ........
"no sorry this is the burns unit"

[Tizer]

A good one Kev - and you were only one day late!

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

Latest news. The Silentnight employee who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

[Stanley]

Oh dear China.......

[Tizer]

Mrs Tiz has just shown me a 1990s used postcard which bears a stamp with a cartoon on it. A man lying on a couch and looking up at the doctor, complete with stethoscope, who stands before him. The man is saying `Have you got anything for the human condition?'

[chinatyke]

Mike walked into the bar and said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - I've just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over she came to me on her hands and knees" Mike replied.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

[Bodger]

A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison.

The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly old timer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.

So the old timer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that.

One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals.

A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused.

In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, “47.”

Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically.

A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says, “19.” Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone.

This goes on throughout the meal.

Later, when the youngster and the old timer get back to their cell, the young man asks, “What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed.”

“Ah, yes, the mess hall.

Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals.

You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it’s like someone told the whole funny story.”

The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep. After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.

So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says, “26.” No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, “26.” Still nothing.

He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.

Later, he pleads with the old timer to explain what happened.

“That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed.” The old man turned to him and explained, “It’s the way you told it.”

[Stanley]

I remember Dave Allen once relating how he learned a lot of his jokes, mixing with commercial travellers at the bar on long distance trains. He said that it got to the stage where instead of relating the whole joke they would just quote punch lines to each other and fall about laughing.
Example; "God knows how it happened, I wished for a 9" penis!" (Sorry about that......)

[plaques]

Pianist Stanley, pianist!

At our age I get more fun from having a talking frog?

[chinatyke]

I hope that's a teabag!

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A chimp learns to make tools, his first effort was a single pointed stick that he used to reach fruit beyond his reach, he then made a four pointed one to enable him to reach more fruit,one morning he discovered the four pointed one was missing so he asked all the passing animals if they had seen it and none of them had , then a jaguar passed by and when asked about the tool he said he had eaten it, the asked why, the reply was i'm a four point tool eater jaguar

[Tizer]

Well done, Bodger!

[PostmanPete]

My Cousin has gone to live in North Korea.

I said to him, "What's it like?"

He said, "I can't complain"

[PanBiker]

[Stanley]

Very clever Pete......

[Tizer]

Where do they get all these great jokes? Is it a misspent adult life?

[Stanley]

Tiz, time spent in bars and on the internet has much to answer for.....

I've just heard Barry Cryer tell this one.
Woman goes into pet shop and sees a parrot and cage priced at £20. She asked the proprietor why it was so cheap. He told her it came from a brothel and had a bit of form for saying the wrong things. The woman said she'd chance it and took it home.
As soon as she took the cover off the parrot looked round and said "I see we have a new place, that's nice". Then her daughters came in and the parrot said "New girls too, nice." A few minutes later her husband came in and the Parrot said "Hello Keith!"