Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

Unfortunately that is so true, at least for the site spell checker!

[PanBiker]

Just a note, the site does not have an in-built spell checker. Any anomalies are down to your browser or what extensions you may have there, or not.

[Stanley]

Whatever, it is still lousy!

[plaques]

Bad Mom.jpg

[Stanley]

That made me laugh out loud Ken. Thanks!

[Marilyn]

I will never forget one particularly cold, winter morning when I left the house with my son...a harried mother who had everything organised as usual...to drop him off at the child-minder ( who took him to school), as I had to work.
Before I locked the front door...”now son - you have your packed lunch (nod from son), your homework (nod from son), your science project that we worked late on ( nod from son), the Guinea Pig food for the classroom Guinea Pig...food done on a rotational basis ( nod from son).”
All set then. I locked the front door feeling like the perfect working mother. ( gosh I was firing on all pistons today!)
“ why the long face...what is wrong son?”
“mum...I think I have my underpants on the wrong way”
“Hmmmm...inside out or back to front?”
“Back to front Mum”

“Get in the car...you can sort them out on the way lad”.

[Cathy]

At least it wasn’t you with your knickers hanging from your handbag.

[plaques]

Hair dryer.jpg

[Stanley]

That's cruel but funny.
I can't remember who it was Cathy but someone once told me about a pair of stray knickers slowly working their way out of the leg of her trousers in an embarrassing situation.

[Marilyn]

Hands up if it has happened to anyone else ( except I was wearing a skirt when me knicker elastic suddenly decided to fail... ) I was walking to the shops, pushing the pram at the time. Quick as a flash, I quickstepped out of them and hid the evidence.

[Stanley]

My favourite story about knickers is something that happened when I was tanking milk into Settle Creamery. I always went in the canteen for a tea and a buttie while I was waiting and very often I had the company of a lass who worked in the lab and so had her break as and when she had time. We were sat there one day and she went to the toilet. When she sat down her face was flaming red! I don't know how or why but I knew immediately what was wrong, perhaps because I lived in a house with four women. I said to her "You forgot your knickers didn't you when you got dressed this morning." She told me I was right, it was something she thought was impossible. We had a good laugh about it.

[Marilyn]

Haven’t ever forgotten me knickers....
I did drive to the shops one day as a teenager...looked down and only had my Tshirt and knickers on ( as is quite acceptable when you are home alone on a hot day with no air conditioning. Not the thing to go to the supermarket/post office in though.
Should have put some shorts on.)
( I have had my fair share of outfit failures)

I try to make a point of looking in the mirror before leaving the house...we have a giant mirror in the entry hall nowadays.

[Marilyn]

My first husband said we had been invited to a “pool part” by his very rich boss.
We turned up with T-shirts over bathers, thongs ( flip flops) and towels slung over our shoulders.
Turns out it was a black tie affair, stood around the pool, with a 3 course silver service dinner served in the massive gazebo.
They even had the biggest chandelier I have ever seen in the loo.

Talk about totally embarrassing! I wished the ground to open up and swallow me. ( hubby’s fault entirely of course)

[Bodger]

A Jewish one for Stanley
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
“Perfect timing. You’re just like Moishe.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Moishe Glickman. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro-tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something, huh?”
Cabbie: “He had a memory like a computer. I could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”
Passenger. “Wow, some guy ehh?”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them”
Passenger: “Mmm, not many like that around.”
Cabbie: “And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Moishe.”
Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”
Cabbie: “I married his F*cking widow.”

[Marilyn]

I have also popped into the supermarket with a dirty tea towel over one shoulder...prompting the check out girl to ask “ have you come to do the dishes?”
No love...a harried working Mother...under the pump..as usual.

( Cazza will tell you I am a fashion disaster..)
The number of times she has opened her door to me saying “ have you looked in the mirror this morning?”

[Cathy]

Marilyn you didn’t tell the story of your knickers hanging from your handbag as you were on your way out to go shopping.

[chinatyke]

Breaking news: Nearly 70% of Minneapolis residents have already finished their Christmas shopping.

No work boots were taken during the looting.

[plaques]

Stay Home.jpg

[Marilyn]

Marilyn you didn’t tell the story of your knickers hanging from your handbag as you were on your way out to go shopping.

Wasn’t it a sock? ( I seem to recall having a sock...)

[Stanley]

Good one Bodge.....
Wardrobe accidents... I too have a full length mirror for the same purpose. I once saw a retired solicitor walking down Barlick Lane in a business suit but with his Y-fronts on the outside. I considered having a word but then thought no, he isn't harming anyone. I think he might have been losing it a bit.

[plaques]

Pizza.jpg

[Marilyn]

On Wednesday, I said to hubby “I must pop down and get more veg on Friday ( as son and his vegetarian dog) are coming to stay”.
He nodded acknowledgement and went and got his car keys.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I’m taking you to get some veg” he answered.
“Friday...I will get veg on Friday”

“Yes I heard you. But I’ve got nothing to do right now. I might be busy on Friday.”

( I can’t tell him things too far ahead. He is always trying to save time (must have a couple of years worth of time stored up somewhere). One of theses days, we will have saved up so much time, I worry we will meet ourselves coming back!)

[Stanley]

I've come across that one Ken.....
Maz, Dave is displaying a certain sort of logic.....

[Marilyn]

You reckon?!!!!

[Tripps]

This made me laugh Initiative