Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

That could so easily be a true story....... Like all the most dangerous cons, dead simple.

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

That's a good one and very perceptive about people's on line behaviour.

[Bodger]

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass
and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Stanley]

Very clever Bodge! It works over here because we have assimilated the US word for arse!

[Big Kev]

As the parent of young children, do you feel your little angels can do no wrong? Here are some great ways of convincing people your child is not the embodiment of evil.

They’re just tired

Josh called you a ‘poohead’, you say? He put your phone down the toilet? He tried to hunt your dog with a homemade spear? He’s just tired. (It’s probably best not to mention that two-hour nap he just had.)

They’re just ‘testing boundaries’

Try saying things like: “It may look like he just kicked you in the bollocks, but actually he’s testing boundaries. He knows he shouldn’t do it now, and your bollocks helped with that. Good for you.”

It’s the ‘terrible twos’

Say: “I’m so sorry my child shat in your shoe – it’s the terrible twos!” For best results accompany this with a helpless shrug and look like you’re on the verge of tears. People will immediately sympathise – and the great thing is you can use this excuse for a whole year!

They’re hungry

“She only tried to gouge your eye out with a plastic fork because she hasn’t eaten for six minutes!”. She’s definitely not already exhibiting psychopathic tendencies. No. Although she is attempting to decapitate her toy Mickey Mouse.

It’s a phase…

… or a leap, or a growth spurt or who knows what but it’s definitely not your kid’s fault.

Claim they are ill

“He’s only wrecking your house because he’s coming down with something. He’ll crash out when we get home.” Hope that no one notices your child looks fit as a fiddle as he rushes around energetically trying to put the cat in the oven.

[chinatyke]

Hope that no one notices your child looks fit as a fiddle as he rushes around energetically trying to put the cat in the oven.

True story:
My brother and I were sent to my Grandparents in Skyrethorns for a week when I was about 6 or 7. Next door neighbour's cat had kittens whilst we were there. Acting on my big brothers instructions I was attempting to drown one of them in a water butt... we never stayed there again!

[Stanley]

At the age of 4 years I found that the wallpaper[er was loose on the bedroom wall at Burr's Mount where we were staying. I tore it off, folded it up and played at selling evening papers.... I said my sister had done it and she was shut in the coal house for about 15 minutes as punishment.......

[Cathy]

Ummm... You naughty naughty boys.

Where's that cane, oh this wooden spoon will do. Master Chinatyke, Master Stanley, are you ready!!

[Stanley]

You'll have to catch me first!

[Cathy]

Ooo that sounds like a bit of fun.
What about you China?

[chinatyke]

Ooo that sounds like a bit of fun.
What about you China?

I'm up for it, Teacher!

[Tizer]

Sorry to intrude on your fun...
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

[Cathy]

Haha. Good to know there is still life in the old dog yet.

[plaques]

I'm growing that old that my pals up in heaven are beginning to think I didn't make it.

[Stanley]

Hitler always arrived late at rallies to stoke the tension.......

[chinatyke]

A Fairy Story

Once upon a time a King had two eligible daughters, a gorgeous blonde, and a fiery redhead.
One day a handsome knight came to the castle, and married one of them. Who do you think he married?

The King, I told you it was a fairy story.

[Cathy]

Haha. Took me a moment. Very good.

[Tizer]

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
Alan Whitney Brown, American writer and comedian

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

The importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. I guess you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise in the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Marilyn]

Read a sign on the back of a car yesterday. It said "HELP! Dad farted and we can't get out"

Heard a child cite this joke on TV this morning...
"If you are Australian before you go to the toilet, and Australian when you come out of the toilet, what are you when you are IN the toilet?"
"European". ( you're a peein')

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become.

[chinatyke]