Old fashioned clean jokes

[Big Kev]

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[Big Kev]

This was made 7 years ago, how ironic

[plaques]

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[Big Kev]

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

Too close to what is possibly the truth Kev.

[Tizer]

`Pseudonyms of Donald Trump' Wikipedia

[Stanley]

Thanks Peter, that's solved a problem for me, I heard mention of John Barron the other day and it obviously referred to Trump and this was puzzling me. Now all is revealed!

[plaques]

Related to today's mystery object and a warning to all cycling enthusiasts this could happen???

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[Gloria]

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[Big Kev]

My wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl, I didn't even know he could play cricket...

[Tizer]

Gloria, that must be American - they don't know how to spell forty!

Kev, are you making up those jokes yourself? If so, well done!

[chinatyke]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kind-hearted Scotsman he thought "what the hell... I'll treat her."

So they walked past it again.

[Stanley]

I think you are all recycling Xmas cracker jokes....

[plaques]

Take no notice of HIM, China I thought it was very good. Yours: Stewart McPlaques.

[Big Kev]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kind-hearted Scotsman he thought "what the hell... I'll treat her."

So they walked past it again.

[Big Kev]

A lion decides he needs a disguise as other animals recognise him too easily, this is hampering his ability to catch them and he's getting hungry. He gets himself a gorilla suit and heads off to the watering hole to see what he can catch. On the the way he meets a couple of eagles who both say 'Hello mr lion, why are you dressed as a gorilla?'
Surprised, the lion said 'How did you know it was me?'
Both eagles replied 'you can't hide your lion eyes'

[Marilyn]

(Quite clever that it was a couple of Eagles that noticed his “lion eyes”. )

[Stanley]

I haven't got that one yet Kev, I shall work on it.
Ken, I didn't say they weren't funny...

[Marilyn]

The Eagles, “You can hide your lying eyes”

[chinatyke]

A recent study showed humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Sounds right, I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[Stanley]

Thanks Maz.
Nice one China!

[Tizer]

Thanks from me too, Maz. Never heard of them!

[PanBiker]

One of my favourite bands, saw them at Manchester. I cant believe you have never heard of them Peter

[Big Kev]

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8 )I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8 )
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)