Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

I like it. He did rather blow it over Grenfell didn't he.....

[Tizer]

Lovely one, Tripps!

[Stanley]

Remember when May made Johnson a non-person?
I wonder what the sanction is that has so effectively gagged Mogg....

[Tizer]

His Nanny!

[Stanley]

That would indeed be the ultimate sanction as far as Jacob is concerned.

[chinatyke]

A Virgin Bride On Her 4th Wedding
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam, "replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?" The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a Labour Leader", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

[Stanley]

For 'Labour Leader' please substitute 'politician'. It would then be a good joke.

[chinatyke]

Coming back from another recent NATO summit in Rome, a group of International leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers. Sitting together in the same compartment travelling through the Swiss Alps were President Macron of France, PM Johnson from the UK, Ms Merkel from Germany, President Trump of the USA and the young and very attractive female Danish foreign minister.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Macron has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

Angela Merkel thinks: Macron, not able to help himself, must have groped the pretty Danish woman in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The Danish woman thinks: Macron, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Angela and she slapped his cheek.

Johnson thinks: What the hell happened there?

Macron thinks: Why me? That ignorant Johnson must have groped the Danish woman in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me... the English bastard.

Trump thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French shit again.

[Stanley]

I like that!

[Tripps]

it's late - I got this from The Spectator. Some times it's an extravagance and sometimes it's the best £3 I spent this week. It is this week.

"Apostrophe campaigner give's up."

[Stanley]

Brilliant!

[Tizer]

I heard a clip from one of Michael Spicer's spoof videos `The Room Next Door' this morning so looked him up on the web. He doctors politicians' videos and adds in clips pretending to show Spicer in the next door room feeding guidance to the speaker through an earphone. Hilarious! If nothing else, make sure you watch the Kipper one.
LINK

[Stanley]

I've listened to some of them and totally agree with you. Some very telling jokes that are actually political comment. More of this please!
I hadn't seen Kipper, just watched it, brilliant!

[chinatyke]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike. It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
''That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Saturday."

[Cathy]

Oldie but a goody

[Tizer]

Fish: "Don't laugh, lady. You'll be in his slippery hands by Friday!"

[Stanley]

I continue to hope for a miracle!

[Tizer]

Chin up! Perhaps he'll slip up once too often before the election!

[Stanley]

I'm clutching at straws now and hoping the Full Moon on Thursday augurs change!

[Tizer]

From the BBC...
The Matt cartoon in the Daily Telegraph picks up on one of the campaign's underlying themes: It features a voter saying: "I've told every candidate that I'm voting for them. This election is all about honesty and trust."

[Stanley]

That could be a very prophetic cartoon Tiz. The one thing the pundits agree on is that what used to be the floating vote is now the single most unpredictable factor even if people all told the truth to pollsters.





Our long and proud tradition of savage political cartoons is a wonderful asset.

[Tizer]

The radio presenter this morning had to correct herself after she started a news headline with `The water regulator, Ofwet...'.

[Stanley]

I heard the reprise but not the original Tiz.

[chinatyke]

The guy sitting next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said "If you think she's beautiful you should see my missus, mate."

He said "Why? Is she a real stunner?"

I said "No, she's an optician!"

[Cathy]