Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,

“My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

“We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,

“We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monk reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task.

Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,

“The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says,

“Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say,

“This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

[plaques]

PADDY SAYS TO MICK, "CHRISTMAS IS ON FRIDAY THIS YEAR". MICK SAID,
"LET'S HOPE IT'S NOT THE 13TH THEN."

[BillHowcroft]

Don't know why but I was expecting a punchline of "Some monk chanted evening".


Grammatical history: Which Tyler and the Pedants' Revolt

[Stanley]

The standard is rising. Superb!

[BillHowcroft]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! You have to see me now! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


My wife is getting angry because I won't stop doing my flamingo impression.
I've had to put my foot down.


A friend of mine kept fantasising about getting run over by a steam train, so I arranged it for him.
He was chuffed to bits.

[Stanley]

[BillHowcroft]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Q: Why can't you tell when a pterodactyl is using the toilet?
A: Because the P is silent.

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.
The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid.
The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral.
The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

[Stanley]

The red rubber ball reminds me of THIS.. Well worth a read.....

[BillHowcroft]

Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were having dinner one night. Obi-Wan looked askance at Luke when he began eating his meal with his hands, being messy and getting food everywhere. He looks hard at Luke and says, "Use the forks, Luke."

When I saw my first strands of grey hair a few weeks ago I thought I'd dye.

Duct tape is like the Force. Its has a dark side and a light side and it holds the Universe together.

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A Jamaican Doctor can't find a job after graduation and decided to open a clinic and puts a sign post outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR
$20,000 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100,000.

A Barbadian Lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100,000 and goes to the clinic...

Bajan Lawyer:
"I have lost my sense of taste"

Jamaican Doctor:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"

Baja lawyer:
"Ugh..this is kerosene"
Jamaican Doctor:
"Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20,000
The annoyed Bajan Lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Bajan Lawyer:
"I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"

Jamaican Doctor:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"

Bajan Lawyer (annoyed):
"This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"

Jamaican Doctor:
"Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20,000"
The fuming Bajan Lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100,000.

Bajan Lawyer:
"My eyesight has become very weak"

Jamaican Doctor:
"Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100,000"
The Bajan Lawyer (staring at the cash):
"But this is $20,000,
not $100,000"

Jamaican Doctor:
"Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20,000

You can't beat a Jamaican man.

Don't laugh alone, put a smile on someone's face by sharing

[Stanley]

Very clever, I love it!

[chinatyke]

Moral of the story: Barbados breeds the high class people, lawyers, doctors etc who are thick but Jamaica breeds cheating doctors.

Racist jokes like England v Ireland, France/Holland v Belgium, Flemish v Walloons etc

Do we have political correctness on this site or do we allow a spade to be called a spade?

[Stanley]

Easy China, we use common sense and try to avoid harming anyone.

[Bodger]

Slightly politically corrected, Barlick having a foot in both counties so to speak

A Yorkshire Doctor can't find a job after graduation and decided to open a clinic and puts a sign post outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR
£20,000 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK £100,000.

A Lancashire Lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn £100,000 and goes to the clinic...

Lanky Lawyer:
"I have lost my sense of taste"

Yorkshire Doctor:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"

Lanky lawyer:
"Ugh..this is paraffin"
Yorkshire Doctor:
"Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me £20,000
The annoyed Lanky Lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer:
"I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"

Doctor:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"

Lawyer (annoyed):
"This is paraffin. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"

Doctor:
"Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me £20,000"
The fuming Lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back £100,000.

Lawyer:
"My eyesight has become very weak"

Doctor:
"Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this £100,000"
The Lawyer (staring at the cash):
"But this is £20,000,
not £100,000"
Doctor:
"Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me £20,000

You can't beat a Yorkshire man.

Don't laugh alone, put a smile on someone's face by sharing

[Stanley]

I thought heyup! my post has gone AWOL. Then I realised what was happening.
I have news for you Bodge, being non-PC about the West Indies is nowhere near as serious as translating it to the Lancs/Yorks divide......

[BillHowcroft]

A length of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!"
The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together.
Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.
He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?"
And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but you don't start anything."

This dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[Stanley]

Oh dear.......

[Bodger]

Specially for Stanley
Jewish Comedians.

Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humor. Not a single swear word in their comic routines, as shown below:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
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Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." Love this one.
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

[Stanley]

Wonderful Bodge! You're right, I love Jewish Humour. The thing that struck me when I was associating with them was the way it infused all their normal speech, it's a way of thinking. I remember one rainy day in NY our cab stopped about three feet from the kerb and Ethel told the driver "Don't worry, we can walk from here". Such a small thing but I still remember it....

[Bodger]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Madam,” he said, “I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!”, gasped Mrs Smith..
“Madam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs Smith quietly
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God!” Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
“Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”

[Stanley]

That is very clever.... You're spending far too much time researching this topic Bodge. I think that like me, you should get out more.....

[chinatyke]

Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"Sod that," says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says: "What do you expect? You are in a wheelchair."

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

I just bought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little housewarming present.

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil.
The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop anytime.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do.'

My son has been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! No way! I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

[chinatyke]

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.’

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

I recently went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Once inside the Confessional, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of some of the finest chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
He replied, "You moron, you're in my side!"

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me .......... talking to the beer."