Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

Oops!

[Bodger]

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.

[Stanley]

Not always Bodge, sometimes we pull the trigger!

[Bodger]

A young Englishman emigrates and travels the world working and visiting the sights of the world, having made a fortune he returns home and decides he will see the sights he never saw of England, he finishes up one day in Barlic, goes into the local, there isn't another soul in the place and he orders a pint & a scotch, tenders £10 note , counting his change he sees the drinks cost him 28p, so he orders again and gets the same charge. He enquires of the barman why so cheap, he is told that the pub was opened by his g.g. grandfather and had passed through each generation and today was exactly 100 years to the day and he was charging the original prices, upon asking why there were no other customers taking advantage he is told that he is on the Lancashire / Yorkshire borders and the customers were all waiting for 5 -00 pm.and the happy hour !!!!!

[Bodger]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[Cathy]

Good one.

A guy visits his mate every Thursday and goes by bus. This Thursday he arrives with a black eye.
His mate asks "What happened?"
"Well" says the guy"I was sitting on the bus and the lady sat in front of me got up to get off the bus and I noticed that the back of her dress was caught up into her knickers, so I leant over and pulled it out and she whacked me one"
The next week he meets his mate again and has another black eye.
He explains why "Well, the same lady was there and again the back of her dress was caught up into her knickers and another guy leant over and pulled her dress out, but I knew that she didn't like that so I leant over and tucked her dress back in "

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

I sat in the barber's chair, and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine..."
The barber began to lather my face, while a woman with the most beautiful breasts that I had ever seen knelt down and began to shine my shoes
I remarked, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
I said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him; you're closer."

[Bodger]

IN MEMORY OF BOB!!!!! Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning when his wife woke up she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since.

[Stanley]

[BillHowcroft]

I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

That’s a little weird but I guess it’s okay if you don’t mind the stares.

[Stanley]

That's not a bad start at all!

[Bodger]

Not in our time Stanley
Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.

Your favorite daughter,
Lilly








DAD'S RESPONSE:


My Dearest Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.


Love,
Your Dad

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."

The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

[Stanley]

Very very true!

[BillHowcroft]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

“Ooh”, said the presenter enthusiastically, “This is a very rare set produced
by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at
the turn of the last century.

Do you have any idea what they would
fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks,” said Paddy!

--------------

I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

[BillHowcroft]

I asked Satan if he'd ever considered using Protein Powder.

He said 'There was no Whey in Hell'

--------------------
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

--------------

Q) How does a mathematician tell off their children?

A) "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

Good ones. Thanks, I needed something to cheer me up.

One of my favourite ornamental koi jumped out of the pool today and the wife has fried it. Wasn't good eating so she fed it to the chucks. [I kid you not!]

[Tizer]

What do you do when the chucks die? Feed them to the ornamental koi?

[chinatyke]

My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heartburn medicine. I can't believe Gavisgon.

[Stanley]

You lot get worse......

[BillHowcroft]

L'il Johnny.... reads Shakespeare....

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"

His mother was so embarrassed. "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"

For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night.

When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.
Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard? Yes.

This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out,

"Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"

[PanBiker]