Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

I was suffering from a touch of mild innuendo, there's a lot of it going around at the moment...

[Pluggy]

I hate innuendo, if I find any. I whip it out........

Apologies to Kenneth Williams.

[Tizer]

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2016 (from BBC web site, 23rd Aug 2016).

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham

"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell

"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan

"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson

"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney

"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff

"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes

"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf

"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith

"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons

"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

If Hilary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!

If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

[Tizer]

But if you think about it, it's impossible for two US presidents to sleep with each other!

[PanBiker]

Not really Tiz, former Presidents are perpetually known as Mr President as are current post holders. I heard a discussion about how a potential female President would be addressed, there is no precedent for Madam President. This of course may make the union slightly strange but not impossible.

[Tripps]

I suppose logically Bill will be 'The First Gentleman' . Not sure that's suitable though.

[PanBiker]

No it's not he will always be Mr President, his wife could also carry the title. We don't have the problem of course as it just plain old Prime Minister without gender embellishment.

[Stanley]

I liked it Bodge, very clever.....

[Tizer]

Not really Tiz, former Presidents are perpetually known as Mr President as are current post holders.

Thanks for enlightening me on that point, Ian, I'll stop worrying about it now!

[Tizer]

Having seen Bodger's joke about Presidents I'm bound to relate what I've just read while learning a bit more about the UK monarchy in the 1800s. In the 1820s George IV was on the throne and he was followed on his death in 1830 by his brother William, Duke of Clarence who was married to a German princess. At 6am on 26 June 1830 William was wakened to be told his brother had died and he would now be King. It's said that his only response was to turn over after saying "I always wanted to sleep with a queen".

[Bodger]

https://scontent-amt2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/ ... e=5882B177

[chinatyke]

... after saying "I always wanted to sleep with a queen".

Don't think it had the same meaning then as now!

[Tizer]

A contributor to my newspaper today reports a story sent to him by a reader. The man was on an airliner waiting for it to take off but suffering a delay. The steward apologised to the passengers on his intercom, saying "The pilot is not happy with the sound of the engine. There will be a slight delay while we search for a pilot who is happy with the sound."

[Stanley]

The most honest announcement I ever heard was in the 1980s as we were taxiing out onto the runway to set off from LAX to LHR. The stewardess reported that one of the three generators on the plane had gone down and the pilot had said there was no way he was leaving on the Polar Flight with a bum generator so he was going back to the stand where a replacement would be fitted. I was happy to be flying with that man in charge!

[Tizer]

Barry Cryer and Michael Palin reached a critical mass for humour on the BH radio programme this morning as they discussed the joys of silliness. An example was having seen a menu while on holiday abroad that offered `desecrated coconut'. Another was a sign that could be seen for several years on a bridge over the motorway that said: `Do not drop hitchhikers on the motorway'.

Palin recalled how Graham Chapman would find favourite words or phrases and repeat them frequently. Once they were staying in a boarding house and Chapman would come back late after being in the pub and waken up Palin by shouting `Betty Marsden'. Palin asked him to be quiet when he returned so the others could sleep. That night it was quiet, no shouting. The following morning Plain rose and as he left his room for breakfast found a a piece of paper pushed under his door. Written on it was: `Betty Marsden!'

[PanBiker]

I have often thought that the python team could have had a field day with the signage myself and my lad Dan found when we were riding the coast road behind the invasion beaches between Ouistreham and Arromanches at the 60th anniversary in 2004. Just about every property that was for sale was being handled by the same estate agent a Monsieur A. Bastard! I hope he didn't live up to his name with his conveyancing.

[Stanley]

I heard that programme as well. Very funny people! A mate of mine was asked to join the Python team in their early days as a writer but turned the job down as too risky. That's a joke in itself!

[Bodger]

Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please
raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most think they are.

[Bodger]

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his garage.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.” The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!”

[Tizer]

Very good, Bodger!

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

Attached Message

“I think you will understand that I have certain needs which you, being 64 years old, are no longer satisfying. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. I hope therefore that, after reading this note, you will not be upset that I will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with Chantelle, my 18 year old secretary. But don't worry - I shall be home by midnight.
Yours affectionately"

When the man came home late that night, he found the following note on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,
I have read your note. I hardly need reminding that I am 64 years old. I would point out that you too are 64 years old. I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of the students at the college where I teach mathematics. In addition to being one of my students he is also the assistant Rugby coach and is fit, virile, and (like your secretary) just 18 years old. As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will understand that you and I are really in the same situation, but with one rather big difference: 18 goes into 64 a lot more times than 64 goes into 18! I will not, therefore, be home until sometime late tomorrow.
Yours affectionately"

[Stanley]

Love it, it is so logical! [yes I did get 'goes into'!]