Old fashioned clean jokes

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chinatyke
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 04 Mar 2018, 05:04

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had three meals a day, plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 04 Mar 2018, 05:12

:good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 05 Mar 2018, 07:05

A man is stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How's that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim free for about 30 minutes and then I whistle and they all come back and jump into my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: Here I'll show you... (Releases the fish into the lake)
Warden: Well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: Well??
Man: What?
Warden: The fish!! Where are your pet fish??
Man: What fish??

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 05 Mar 2018, 07:09

Nice one China.... Clever!
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 10 Mar 2018, 12:45

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat?"
His father said "Why, my son, it is a chechia. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a djbellah. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing and my djbellah protects the entire body.”
The son then asked "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are babouches my son,” the father replied. "You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet.”
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son."
"Why are we living in Barlick and still wearing all this crap?"

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by PanBiker » 10 Mar 2018, 12:58

I take it you wander about naked then China? Hat, coat and shoes seem pretty standard to me even if they are in a slightly different style.
Ian

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Bodger » 10 Mar 2018, 17:34

Hi, Sean, this is Alex from next door.

I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not at home. In fact, quiet likely more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just awesome. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Greetings, Alex.

Neighbour Sean’s Response

Sean, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his pump rifle and shot his neighbour Alex dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the couch. Sean took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alex.

SECOND MESSAGE*

Hi, Sean, this is Alex from next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?

Greetings, Alex.

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Marilyn » 11 Mar 2018, 00:00

:laugh5:

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 11 Mar 2018, 03:55

I bit too close to actual possibility for comfort.....
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by plaques » 21 Mar 2018, 22:32

Bran Muffins
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 22 Mar 2018, 03:16

:laugh5: Clever.....
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 22 Mar 2018, 17:13

Count Dracula is walking down the street when 10 ton of salmon sandwiches, potato salad, cheese and pineapple on sticks, tomato salad and bowls of crisps fall on top of him. "Oh no!" he cries with his dying breath "it's buffet the vampire slayer" :laugh5: :laugh5: :laugh5:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 23 Mar 2018, 04:25

:biggrin2:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 08 Apr 2018, 09:38

Image
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 09 Apr 2018, 05:38

Just as it should be Kev for a peaceful and honourable life!
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 09 Apr 2018, 11:26

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Bodger » 13 Apr 2018, 16:30

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,

“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,

“I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile,

“Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,

“Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds,

“I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,

“I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. If you permit me to put my hands under your bra, then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out,

“What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

“Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ” Ma dam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

“That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says,

“Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t,” she says.

“I was behind you in McDonald’s.” I think this could be a Stanley ?

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 14 Apr 2018, 02:39

:good: :good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Bodger » 15 Apr 2018, 08:04

In the heart of the jungle, two monkeys were sitting in a tree beneath which a lion was sleeping peacefully. One monkey said to the other: “I dare you to go down there and kick that lion in the butt!”

Feeling mischievous, the other monkey said: “Okay, I’ll do it.”

So he ran down the tree, kicked the lion as hard as he could in the butt, and then

made his escape by racing off through the jungle. Roused from his slumbers, the angry lion immediately gave chase and was soon gaining fast on the monkey until he was only about fifty yards behind him. Realizing he had to act quickly to avoid being eaten by the lion, the monkey picked up a newspaper that was lying on the ground and sat on a tree stump pretending to read it.

A few moments later, the lion arrived on the scene. “Did you see a monkey pass this way just now?” asked the lion.

The monkey replied: “Do you mean the one that kicked the lion in the butt?”

“Damn!” said the lion. “Don’t tell me it’s in the papers already!”

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 16 Apr 2018, 02:49

:laugh5:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 25 Apr 2018, 15:51

Daily Telegraph cartoon by Matt in response to concerns about plastics etc.

Image

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 26 Apr 2018, 02:49

:good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Bodger » 26 Apr 2018, 12:39

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie — we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked:

“How many children do you have?

He answered: “Twelve.”

The agent asked “Where are the others?”

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words. and don’t forget, most politicians are lawyers.

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 27 Apr 2018, 02:28

Very true. 'Economical with the truth'.
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 28 Apr 2018, 08:59

With Mrs Tiz having just been on an archaeology trip to Italy with a group of keen classicists some of the jokes bouncing around here are a bit Roman...
Such as epigrams written by 1st Century AD Marcus Valerius Martialis (known in English as Martial), e.g.

"I felt a little ill and called Dr. Symmachus.
Well, you came, Symmachus, but you brought 100 medical students with you.
One hundred ice-cold hands poked and jabbed me.
I didn't have a fever, Symmachus, when I called you –but now I do."
(Book V, No. 9 ) Wikipedia

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