Old fashioned clean jokes

[Bodger]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.

The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?”

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

[chinatyke]

Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor.

There aren't 6.8 billion women on the planet so most women must have visited 2 or 3 times which reinforces the logic that women can't make up their minds!

Sorry, I've nothing better to do!

[Stanley]

You Two get worse.......

[Marilyn]

I would like to know WHO assessed the men's attributes...cos...if it was "self assessment" they were probably lying!

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an a--hole . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So my wife called him a sh-t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window which read "I support Jeremy Corbyn "

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age

[Stanley]

You've reminded me of something China, who was it did the Sketch 'Hell's Grannies'?

[PanBiker]

The Goodies.

A goody guddy yum yum...

or was it Monty and the lads?

[Bodger]

Lateral thinking
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all going for a job as a code breaker for Scotland yard. Their first test is to pick the odd one out from 3 objects. A cabbage, a potato and a knife.
The Englishman walks in and the interviewer asks him which is the odd one out.
The Englishman replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are vegetables.” He passes the test and is told to send the 2nd man in.
The Scotsman enters and after being asked he also replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are foods.” He passes and is asked to send the Irishman in.
When asked the odd one out he replies, “The cabbage!” The interviewer says, “What, how did you get that answer?”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you can make chips with the other two!"

[Stanley]

Ian, I went for a furtle. See THIS. It was Monty Python.......

Bodge, you reminded me of another oldie....

Two Irishmen went for a job, The first went into interview and was asked his name. "Pat". "No it isn't! don't you know you are called Patrick? Interview over he goes and has a word with his mate. He goes in and when asked his name grins, "Mickerick!", He didn't get the job either.

How do you confuse an Irishman? Lean three shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

I could go on and on.....

[Bodger]

Henry Kissinger once asked Chou En-Lai to speculate on what might have happened
if Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated in November 1963, instead of John F. Kennedy.
After a moment's thought, Chou En-Lai answered:

"I don't believe Mr. Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev’’.

[Stanley]

Quite possibly true....

[Bodger]

Christian children were lined up in the mess hall of a Catholic monastery for lunch.

At the middle of the table was a large pile of pears.

Sister Helen made a note, and posted on the pear tray,

“Take only one. God is watching.”

After lunch,children saw a large pile of chocolate chip cookies on the other side of the table.

One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.

God is watching the pears.”

[Tizer]

I like that one, so clean you could even tell it to children...although they might not see the joke!

[Stanley]

Full marks from the critics!

[Bodger]

Dennis went to the his favorite bar after a hard working day for being relax. He saw a man next to him who orders tequila and beer. He drank the tequila after than continued with beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.The guy made same thing for several times and it took the attention of the Dennis

He approached to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I noticed your little ritual, why do you looked into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?”

The guy replied, “There is a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts looking good, I am going home!”

[chinatyke]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says "Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"
Moshe burst into tears.
Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"
"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Pluggy]

Good one China

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

One for the ladies,
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"

[Stanley]

Served him right.....

[chinatyke]

A Golfers Love Story
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,"Martha, soon we will have been married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by "'good reasons?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now please tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

Archaeologists in Ireland have uncovered the gravestone of the oldest man ever found, 173 years old. Apparently his name was Miles, from Dublin...

[Cathy]

An old nomad couple heading across country up the highway towing their caravan.
The police pull them over and the police officer says "Did you know one of your back lights is out?"
Husband - "No officer, I didn't".
Wife - who is hard of hearing - yells "What did he say!?"
Husband - "One of our back lights is out".
Police officer - "Pull into the next town and get it fixed at the garage".
Wife yells - What did he say!?"
Husband - "He said we have to pull into the next town to get the light fixed".
Police officer - Where are you from?".
Husband - "Peermont".
Police officer - "Oh I know Peermont, I remember it well, I had the worst sex in my life in Peermont".
Wife yells - "What did he say!?"

Husband - "He said he knows you".