HOUSEHOLD TIPS NOT FOUND IN WOMAN'S WEEKLY

[Bodger]

Marilyn, Thong, Bras, Shorts tucked up, please have some respect for us elderly gentlemen, these imaginations could lead to all kinds of problems !!!

[Stanley]

Brace up Bodge! Take no notice Maz! We'll let you know when you get into ;too much detail country....
Now if you can stand a really sexy shorts pic, get a load of this!

[Marilyn]

My shorts are so much less substantial, Stanley.
Not quite as hot this afternoon, as there is a slight breeze to be had. ( well...it could be had...but every time I open a window my husband comes along behind and closes it. He is really starting to annoy me! I have let him know this fact of course and have asked if h has nothing better to do today...)
Actually, he was annoying last night too. I woke in a lather to find he had switched the ceiling fan off. What is the point of having such things if you won't use them?.

[Stanley]

Everybody's shorts are less substantial Maz. These are heavy duty Minnesota shorts.....
Give Dave curry and make him wear a cardigan, he'll get an idea of how you feel then!

[Stanley]

You have always got to be open to sometimes surprising thoughts. It struck me this morning that Damaris, Muthomi's mother, is my daughter in law! I have to tell you that I am feeling no pain. A lovely woman!

[chinatyke]

My shorts are so much less substantial, Stanley.

That made me laugh!

[Stanley]

There isn't enough denim in Australia to build them like that!
Don't trust suppliers to maintain the supply chain to small shops. The people who make the whey butter I prefer have stopped supplying small shops, all their production is going to Asda and Booths. So short sighted and yet another example of the way the supermarkets use their buying power to unfairly disadvantage the small independent shop. Not a biggie of course I shall survive but it makes me angry!

[Stanley]

Simple pleasures are best! This is prompted by taking the first sip of my one coffee of the day, a pint of strong milky coffee fresh brewed the old fashioned way in a brew can. No fancy machines but the best coffee I can find. I see that the latest scientific evidence is that it's good for you, full of esoteric anti-oxidants and obscure chemical traces.....
A little of what you fancy does you good!

[Stanley]

I might be a bad cook.... If possible, apart from getting shut of the obviously bad bits, I don't peel my vegetables or top and tail anything apart from carrots and parsnips. The only exception is that I peel swedes. My contention is that boiling sterilises them and if I miss the odd caterpillar, who cares as long as I don't see it! I haven't succumbed to any diseases yet so there might be some method in my madness!

[Tizer]

The caterpillars are more nutritious than the swede!

[Stanley]

Quite! Our version of the Aborigine's Witchetty Grubs!

[Marilyn]

I always wash my veg...and my hands...before cooking.
I am particularly strict when handling Chicken. ( change T-towel after any prep involving Chicken, and wash benches and chopping board)
One dose of Campylobacter will have you living the same way. It is not something I care to repeat!

[chinatyke]

This picture is at the top of the page and every time I access this topic I see it. Sorry, but I laugh each time. I vote for it being on the site banner.

[PanBiker]

I vote for it being on the site banner.

Vote! Vote, were having none of that, this isn't a democracy it's a benign dictatorship with due regard to Arthur, Dennis and his mum

Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: MAN!
Arthur: Old man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37, I'm not old!
Arthur: Well, I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: You could say "Dennis".
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur: I did say I'm sorry about the "old woman" thing, but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treatin' me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well, I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress...
Dennis' Mother: Dennis, Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here! [sees Arthur] Oh. How'd you do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Dennis' Mother: King of the who?
Arthur: The Britons.
Dennis' Mother: Who are the Britons?
Arthur: Well, we are. You are all Britons and I am your king.
Dennis' Mother: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes...
Dennis' Mother: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again!
Dennis: But that's what it's all about! If only people would realise...
Arthur: Please, please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Dennis' Mother: No one lives there.
Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Dennis' Mother: We don't have a lord.
Arthur: What?!
Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort-of-executive officer for the week...
Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: ... But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting...
Arthur: Yes, I see.
Dennis:... by a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs...
Arthur: [getting bored] Be quiet.
Dennis:... but by a two thirds majority, in the case of more major —
Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Dennis' Mother: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Dennis' Mother: Well I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Dennis' Mother: How'd you become king, then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake,... [Angel chorus begins singing in background] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Angel chorus ends] THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: Shut up! Will you shut up?! [Grabs Dennis and shakes him]
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!
Arthur: BLOODY PEASANT!!
Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?


Anyway, Stanley's "shorts are of such proportions that they wouldn't fit in the banner.

[Marilyn]

We haven't seen the back view yet..I mean...well...they might fit on a banner...
( she says in a quiet voice from behind a large newspaper with two eye-holes cut in it)

[Big Kev]

Gotta love a bit of Python

[chinatyke]

Wendy, how about saving it for his 90th card?

[PanBiker]

It's already on his 80th pressie, (two versions) along with the budgie smugglers and the au natural.

[Wendyf]

[Wendyf]

Wendy, how about saving it for his 90th card?

Don't encourage him...you may not know what he might post next but we do eh Maz, and it's not a pretty sight!!

[Marilyn]

Given the time of year, he may post a pic of himself wearing nowt but a small sprig of Holly and a couple of well placed baubles.

Anyway...thank your stars they are "Minnesota" shorts and not from Texas...'cos everything is BIGGER IN TEXAS!

[Stanley]

Maz, I agree totally about chicken and meat. Remember I am the bloke who bleaches the outlet on the mixer tap every morning! Funny posts and I like them. I get hours of entertainment from the big birthday card, it's on the wall just to my right. Today's tip is to cultivate good friends.......

[Stanley]

If you have a small problem like the one I had with the sound on my computer don't despair. Give it some thought and worry at it like a dog with a bone. Nine times out of ten you will find the answer. Usually it's simple, like having a plug in the wrong socket Pluggy!!!!

[Marilyn]

No! Usually it means hubby had been using my iPad without his specs on. He is a "button stabber" and every time I pick up my IPad after he has used it, I have to sort out the problems.
I despair sometimes.
How can anyone stuff so much up in such a short period of time?

[Stanley]

Ah, I don't have that problem Maz, Jack doesn't use the FM3! I know what you mean.... If I started up and found that my settings had been altered I would not be pleased.....