Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

You're getting worse Cathy!!

[chinatyke]

A true story, which I found amusing, that was sent to me this morning by a pal who lives in Thailand:

I was in traffic court as a witness in another matter. The judge was hearing a case where a 14 year old was driving a motorcycle without a license because he was too young. He was accompanied by his mother. She was small but loud, and the 14 year old was big (looked 18). Throughout the morning she had been nagging him about one thing or another—wasting my time, lazy good for nothing, etc. The young boy was quiet and appeared contrite.

When their time came, the mom again reminded the boy to be quiet and not say a word.

The clerk read the case. The judge looked at her notes and pronounced judgement. “Case dismissed with 60 days suspended sentence on the condition that the defendant does not ride the motorcycle until he turns 16 and gets a license.” This was the least the judge could do.

The mother erupted with anger. “60 days suspended sentence. Are you crazy? He has to go to school. He has to do chores.” Clearly, she did not understand what suspended sentence meant.

The judge then stated. “Are you finished? I could make it contingent on selling the motorcycle.”

Mom: “That’s crazy. You’re nuts.”

The judge: “Suspended sentence contingent on selling the motorcycle and you (indicating to the mom) get to spend the night in jail for contempt of court."

The boy, who hadn’t said a word all morning, spoke up. “Thank you, your honour.”

The entire court erupted in laughter.

[Bodger]

Mrs.Blanchett’s furnace stop working so she calls a serviceman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the furnace, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll send money to your account. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my doberman; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!”

When the serviceman arrives at Mrs.Blanchett’s flat the next day, he discovers the biggest and scariest doberman he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching him go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the serviceman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you idiot ugly bird!”

The parrot responded, “Get him,Apollo.”

[Stanley]

China, we could do with common sense like that here and most people would automatically assume that standards of court procedure would be inferior in Thailand...... Good reminder!
Bodge.....

[chinatyke]

A STORY FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT




On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!


Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the Farmer's new Z-4 silver BMW.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save
his life! The donkey thought for a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his Willie and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.

And the moral of the story?







When you're hung like a donkey you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.

[Stanley]

!!

[Stanley]

Maz sent this. She says it's two old codgers waiting for the bus....

[Big Kev]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'
'These are Carols.'

[PanBiker]

Ha!

[Tizer]

Nice one, Kev.

Lord `Danny' Finkelstein likes to tell one of his mother's jokes. Apparently there used to be a popular claim that the Titanic was sunk by Jews. His mother relates this dialogue...
Man: You Jews sank the Titanic!
Jew: What are you saying! How could we do that?
Man: It was a Jewish plot!
Jew: It wasn't anybody who did it, it was sunk by an iceberg!
Man: Iceberg, Goldberg - you're all the same!

[Stanley]

That's an old one but still good!

[Cathy]

I enjoyed all of these jokes...
except one.

[Stanley]

It jarred a bit didn't it Cathy.....

[Big Kev]

[Tripps]

I think this is called bathos

Just before Christmas a couple were busy shopping when the wife noticed that her husband was missing. As they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile and said, “Where are you? You, know we’ve lots to do."

He replied, "You remember that little jeweller's we went into about 6 or 7 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace and I said then that I couldn’t afford it but one day I would get it for you?"

“Oh yes I do remember.” she said, as little tears began to run down her cheeks. He said,




"Well I’m in the pub next door to that."

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

There was a discussion on the radio this morning about swear words and their use. One of the participants said how some people use them a lot and then added...`Australian men use them to signal that a noun is about to follow'.

[Cathy]

Ha! Their not wrong there Tize, and unfortunately for those that use the word(s) it's not just the men.

[Stanley]

I picked mine up from my dad.......
David Moore once told me about a headmaster he worked under who used 'beujer' and 'fewking' and his lady governors picked up the habit......

[chinatyke]

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked
their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going
to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect
firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of
Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look
like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure
that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to
be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our weather reporter who lives up north has reported that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[Stanley]

That is very good China. Haven't heard that one before.

[Big Kev]

This seems to be the best place to put these, allegedly genuine extracts from complaint letters to a council office

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

[PanBiker]

I don't care if some of them are made up!

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

There's some real crackers there Big Kev.