Old fashioned clean jokes
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Very funny! I'd be tempted to say some of them are fabrications except that my years as an editor proved to me that people can unwittingly write some very silly things and usually don't read what they've written before sending it.
I do remember the peppermint tablets that warned on the label that on the morning after taking them there might be a burning in the back passage. I had visions of vandals lighting fires in the bins!
I do remember the peppermint tablets that warned on the label that on the morning after taking them there might be a burning in the back passage. I had visions of vandals lighting fires in the bins!
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Touch wood, I am a stranger to headaches....
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
" in the back passage"
Reminds me of the man who went to the doctor with a sore bum and was given suppositories, a week later he went back to the doctor who asked him how he was, no difference was the reply, the doctor asks him and did you put the suppositories in your back passage " I did and for all the good it did i may as well have stuck up mt arse"
Reminds me of the man who went to the doctor with a sore bum and was given suppositories, a week later he went back to the doctor who asked him how he was, no difference was the reply, the doctor asks him and did you put the suppositories in your back passage " I did and for all the good it did i may as well have stuck up mt arse"
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I remember my Dad being very puzzled once because Arthur Morrison had given him suppositories for his bad breathing. I asked Arthur and he said that the medication was destroyed by the action of the digestive system but was absorbed well if given in the reverse direction. My dad thought it was very interesting!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #4
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #5
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Two engineers
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced,
"Six point three metres" and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #4
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #5
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Two engineers
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced,
"Six point three metres" and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I like them. In support of your thesis....
A physics student at the University of Copenhagen was once faced with the following challenge:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."
The student replied: "Tie a long piece of string to the barometer, lower it from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. However, the student appealed on the grounds that the answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but that it did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem, it was decided to call the student and allow six minutes for him to provide an oral answer. For five minutes the student sat in silence, his forehead creased in thought. When the arbiter pointed out that time was running out, the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers but could not decide which to use. "Firstly, you could take a barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge and measure the time it takes to reach the ground, but too bad for the barometer. "If the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper�s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic. "If you wanted to be highly scientific, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it as a pendulum, first at ground level, then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height of the building can be calculated from the difference in the pendulum�s period.
"If the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height in barometer lengths. "If you wanted to be boring and orthodox, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference into a height of air.
"But since we are continually being urged to seek new ways of doing things, probably the best way would be to knock on the janitor�s door and say: �If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this building�." The student was allegedly Niels Bohr. This story ties in well with an anecdote recounted in Abraham Pais� book Niels Bohr�s Times, in Physics, Philosophy and Polity (Oxford, 1991). In his youth, Bohr played goalkeeper in soccer. On one occasion his team was playing against a German side, and most of the action was taking place in the German half of the field. Suddenly the German team counterattacked, and a spectator had to shout to warn Bohr, who was using the goalpost to write down a mathematical problem.
A physics student at the University of Copenhagen was once faced with the following challenge:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."
The student replied: "Tie a long piece of string to the barometer, lower it from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. However, the student appealed on the grounds that the answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but that it did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem, it was decided to call the student and allow six minutes for him to provide an oral answer. For five minutes the student sat in silence, his forehead creased in thought. When the arbiter pointed out that time was running out, the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers but could not decide which to use. "Firstly, you could take a barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge and measure the time it takes to reach the ground, but too bad for the barometer. "If the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper�s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic. "If you wanted to be highly scientific, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it as a pendulum, first at ground level, then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height of the building can be calculated from the difference in the pendulum�s period.
"If the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height in barometer lengths. "If you wanted to be boring and orthodox, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference into a height of air.
"But since we are continually being urged to seek new ways of doing things, probably the best way would be to knock on the janitor�s door and say: �If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this building�." The student was allegedly Niels Bohr. This story ties in well with an anecdote recounted in Abraham Pais� book Niels Bohr�s Times, in Physics, Philosophy and Polity (Oxford, 1991). In his youth, Bohr played goalkeeper in soccer. On one occasion his team was playing against a German side, and most of the action was taking place in the German half of the field. Suddenly the German team counterattacked, and a spectator had to shout to warn Bohr, who was using the goalpost to write down a mathematical problem.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
All wonderful, thanks China and Stanley, they made my day!
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I smiled, because I have a hubby who measures all sorts of things in weird ways, from giant strides to arm lengths, elbow to fingertip lengths, hand lengths and thumb lengths. He always amuses me.
Why he doesn't just pop a tape measure in his back pocket is beyond me...
Why he doesn't just pop a tape measure in his back pocket is beyond me...
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
That's how measurements first began Maz. Dave is just being very traditional.....
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Most men, especially builders, measure things using their feet. I'm a bit fortunate in this respect with my boots being exactly 13 inches long. So that 3 of them is 3ft 3" or as near as dam it to 1 metre. Big feet rule, OK!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Clara and her eight years old son Max were inside a Taxi. It was a rainy day and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.
Max asked; “Mom,what are all those women doing?”
Clara replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.”
The Taxi driver turned around and said;
“Ma’am why don’t you tell the truth to your son?.Hey kid,they are prostitutes and they sleep with men for money.”
Max’s eyes got wide and asked; “Mom is that true?”
Clara,glaring hard at the driver replied; “Yes it is!”
After a few minutes,Max asked; “Mom,what happens to the babies those women have?.”
Clara responded;”Most of them become Taxi drivers.”
Max asked; “Mom,what are all those women doing?”
Clara replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.”
The Taxi driver turned around and said;
“Ma’am why don’t you tell the truth to your son?.Hey kid,they are prostitutes and they sleep with men for money.”
Max’s eyes got wide and asked; “Mom is that true?”
Clara,glaring hard at the driver replied; “Yes it is!”
After a few minutes,Max asked; “Mom,what happens to the babies those women have?.”
Clara responded;”Most of them become Taxi drivers.”
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Speaking of measurements, I am 5 feet and 1 inch high and when I stretch my arms out , the measurements from finger tips to finger tips is also 5 feet and 1 inch. Is it the same for everyone, relating to their own height ?
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. 
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
You don't half get educated on here Cathy......
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
My diary tells me that here in the northern hemisphere it's the shortest day today. So I got up early to make it longer.
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Better quality time first thing in the morning Tiz. The morons are still stinking in their pits..... no cold calls either!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Careful Stanley, I know I don't get up until about 6.30 am but "sticking in their pits" is a bit strong. I can live with the moron bit and even cretin but Mrs P would be livid if she though you were casting aspersions on her house keeping.
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Old army expression P. No aspersions intended....
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I have been arrested after erasing all the full stops from a book in my local library.
I'm looking at a very long sentence...
I'm looking at a very long sentence...
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Clever........
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
and another...
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
and another...
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”
Kev
Stylish Fashion Icon.
Stylish Fashion Icon.
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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
There are lot's of variations on the last one but they are both good!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!