Old fashioned clean jokes

[SPR676]

Just started dating an Italian bricklayer… It’s cement to be.

[Cathy]

[SPR676]

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

[chinatyke]

What's Facebook?

[Tizer]

Sounds like the name of a racehorse that's come to the end of its winning streak.

[SPR676]

My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror.

[chinatyke]

I love these one-liners.

[SPR676]

Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house, it was delicious.

[SPR676]

Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

[SPR676]

Can’t believe how desperate my maths teacher is, he keeps asking me to find his x. I think it’s time he faced the truth, she’s not coming back.

[SPR676]

Just had a really big argument with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris, she wanted to come with me.

[Cathy]

Q. Where does a mountain-climbing pilot keep his aeroplane?
...wait for it...

A. A cliffhangar!

[plaques]

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador".
"Bugger that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[Stanley]

The old ones are still the best.....

[chinatyke]

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

[Stanley]

Too near the truth..... The Shape of Things to Come'. (LINK)

[Cathy]

Another Big Brother. Funny tho

[Stanley]

You're right Cathy, 1984 as well.....

[Bodger]

Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Murphy, do you know me?' She responded, 'Yes, I do know you, Mr. Burke. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big lad when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit pen pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The solicitor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Murphy, do you know the defence lawyer?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cummins since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, snobby, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire country. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence lawyer nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the Mountjoy prison for ten years each.

[Stanley]

Nice one.......

[plaques]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


My wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[Stanley]

[plaques]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

[Cathy]

Who's got the best Dad Joke, which ones did the kids really laugh at?

[Stanley]

It was possibly when I was doing Greek Dad dancing at Janet's wedding but I don't think that counts Cathy.....