Old fashioned clean jokes

[plaques]

Dad type joke,

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our Local pet shop and they were £20!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are very excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist shop. Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Yes"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

JACK: "THEN WE'D LIKE TO USE THIS STORE FOR OUR WEDDING PRESENTS LIST..."

[Stanley]

That reminds me of the one about the two bats hung upside down in a cave discussing the disadvantages of old age. One asked the other what he feared most, the answer was "incontinence".

[Tizer]

A couple of nibs from yesterday's copy of The Times...

An announcement heard by a reader while the train pulled into Euston: `We apologise for the late arrival of this train. This was caused by a shortage of drivers due to a failed Virgin in the Leighton Buzzard area.'

The `upskirting' issue reminded a reader of the story about an American lady visiting Edinburgh who paused to admire a soldier's splendid kilt. "Tell me", she said, "is anything worn beneath it?" Quick as a flash came his reply: "No, madam, it's all in perfect working order."

[Stanley]

As a matter of record, when I was with the Black Watch in Berlin I found that Queen's Regulations for Scottish Regiments stipulated that nothing was to be worn under the kilt......

[Tizer]

Jewsih joke...
Bernstein walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

[Stanley]

Nice......

[Cathy]

An Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Australian, a Jew, a Muslim and a Gentile go into a bar (did I miss one??) and they all ask for a drink.
Landlord looks at them and says
"I'm so sorry guys but I can't serve you all without a Tie.".

[Tizer]

I guess that joke makes more sense in Australia than it does here! Here it would be something like `I can't serve you without a cheque'.

[Stanley]

It took a while before I checked in Tiz, I think he meant 'Thai'....... The Aussie connection is that many of them holiday there.....

[Cathy]

Yes Tie means Thai.

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, otally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some asshole's got my pen!'

[Stanley]

I like it!

[Big Kev]

Does anyone know if the Arachnaphobia Society has a website?

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

A mention of times tables in Childhood Memories reminded me of this true story.
At a Parent/Teachers meeting at Gisburn Primary school a father got up and asked a question..... "Is it really necessary for our children to be made to repeat, parrot fashion, things like 8x9 is 78?"
I doubt if his wife ever let him forget that....... He answered his own question.

[Cathy]

Not jokes but funny anyway
Journalistic Licence?
"For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand".

"Four-poster bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

[Stanley]

I like all of them Cathy!

[Cathy]

Heard an English lady say this today,
"Itchy bum, surprise to come."
Made me laugh.

[chinatyke]

Heard an English lady say this today,
"Itchy bum, surprise to come."
Made me laugh.

and the second verse?

► Show Spoiler

Wet fart, it's a start.

[Stanley]

I could have done without the last part!
Never heard that one before Cathy.

[Big Kev]

The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.