Old fashioned clean jokes

[chinatyke]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

5. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

6. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

7. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

8. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

9. A backward poet writes inverse.

10. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

11. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

12. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. "No pun in ten
did."

[Cathy]

Very clever.

[Tizer]

Great jokes China, Keep it up!

Saw this pic on the BBC site. Shouldn't it be captioned `Boris heads for a hard Brexit'?

[Stanley]

The harness should have been a bit tighter!

[Tizer]

A couple of things from the newspaper...
A tweet: A person from Yorkshire who wants to buy debris from the demolition of buildings is asking for t'rubble.'

Someone related how he'd taken his family to a gallery where the children were asked to record their greatest hopes. One had written `I'd like to walk on the Great Wall of China'; another wrote `I'd like to fly to Mars'. His daughter wrote `I really want to go home now'.

[Stanley]

I like the last one!

[Cathy]

I laughed out loud when I read these...
FUNNY BONES
Doctors writing notes in a hurry can sometimes slip up: here are some clinical notes.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
This patient was admitted to surgical ward and x-rated.

[Tizer]

Gems, Cathy, thanks!

[Stanley]

I liked the one next to last Cathy. I once heard a woman say "This was a nice area until we moved in here...."

[Tizer]

From a Jewsih web site...
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

[Stanley]

Lovely. As you know, I love Jewish humour......
Two traders meet. One says he has suffered a disaster as his business had burned down, His friend asked if he was insured and he replied no. In that case says his friend, it isn't a disaster, it's a catastrophe!

[chinatyke]

"Shalom Hymie. Sorry to hear about your factory burning down."

"Shhh Eli, it's tomorrow."

[Bodger]

"Shalom Hymie. Sorry to hear about your factory burning down."
Hymie, not to worry i was insured, hows your business Eli ?
Eli, not bad, i had a flood and got paid out from the insurance
Hymie Eli how do you start a flood ?

[chinatyke]

The PC Brigade will be coming after us.

[Stanley]

Ah. the old canard of 'Jewish Lightning', an unfair description of a warehouse fire that was common when I was a lad. These libels upset Jews but then they make jokes about them.
"An ageing Jew was knocked down by a hit and run driver outside a Catholic Church. The priest came out and started to administer the Last Rites. Do you believe in God the father, God the son and the Holy Ghost?" Ageing Jew cries out "I'm dying and he asks me riddles!"

[Bodger]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm, it was a disaster, Mick missed the tube and Paddy came on the bus

[Cathy]

Oh dear, Bodger. Funny tho

[Stanley]

How do you confuse an Irishman? Lean three shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.....

[Tizer]

On Radio 4's `Kitchen Cabinet' programme they discussed chilli peppers. Apparently one food made in Belfast with a lot of a very powerful chilli is known locally as `Pain in the Hole'.

[Stanley]

I've never understood the pull of very hot peppers and chillis. I don't like food that gives me pain.....

[Bodger]

Old Rugby Players Never Die ...

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."

[Stanley]

That is a good one!

[Big Kev]

Just spent a couple of hours linking all my watches together to make a belt.

It was a waist of time

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

The Yiddish word 'Nu' is probably one of the most useful in the world, Look it up "Nu is defined as a Yiddish expression of agreement, or is used to ask a simple question instead of using words such as "well" or "so."
An example of nu used as an interjection is when you say "Nu?" to ask why something that you have just been told is important." It can have many more nuances as well.

Movie producer. "Sam, I'm going to buy the most terrific book you have ever read, it's called 'The Well of Loneliness'".
"Harry! You must be out of your mind. You can't make that into a movie!"
"Why not?"
"It's about two Lesbians!"
"Nu? So I'll change them to Austrians".

(To understand this one you have to know about the Hays Office movie code which was a joke in itself.... LINK)