Old fashioned clean jokes

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

Clever......

[Tizer]

The Sunday Times front page cartoon today. A couple on the street are walking past a newspaper seller's board that states `The leadership Race'. The husband is saying to his wife `It's all over bar the shouting, screaming and smashing'.

[Stanley]

Only too accurate!

[Tizer]

For some reason this makes me think of Boris Johnson!

[Stanley]

Bojo is no joke......

[Bodger]

So I just got back home from work.
My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The Rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. Now, my neighbor's kids raise these Blue Ribbon WINNER Rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of their rabbits. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, I rushed inside, washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some ANIMALS play dead when they are AFRAID, I couldn't remember which animals because I was NERVOUS . I took it and placed it back in one of the cage, then I ZOOMED back home. NOT 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming. so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

[Bodger]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
The pharmacist fainted.

[Cathy]

1st joke was good.

[Stanley]

They both made me smile....

[Tizer]

I was amused by seeing the front page of today's Telegraph. The main story is about Boris Johnson and what he's going to do for the UK. The next story, underneath it, is headlined `Parents too scared to let their children out'. How apt!

[Stanley]

But irrational if you believe Boris who claims that he lowered the crime rate during his time as Mayor of London.....

[Big Kev]

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This made me laugh out loud and yes, I have one

[Cathy]

[Marilyn]

now...if that had been my hubby's 3 kids...all would be chaos while they fought for who would hold the biggest one! The fishes would be in bits by the end of the "scrap".

[Stanley]

We used to have one.....

[Tizer]

I've sent copies to friends/relatives who have two kids so they know not to have a third one!

[Stanley]

Funnily enough, in my experience it is usually the youngest.... I think we tend to spoil them a bit more, that may be the reason.

[Marilyn]

Walked past an old, closed down shop the other week that has some odd things displayed in the window. One thing was a big box of thin wooden tiles, each with a letter on. They were similar to Scrabble tiles but thinner. A note on the front of the box read "A book from IKEA".
That made me smile...

[Stanley]

Basic DIY! Write your own.....

[plaques]

Old lady walking past a shop being refurbished, it had a peephole cleared in the whitewashed windows. Being curious she looked through and saw some workmen. "What are you selling"? she asked. "A--eholes was" the reply. "You must be doing well, you've only two left"!

[Stanley]

[Tripps]

Relate counsellor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers

Husband: True, but in fairness I didn't even know she sold flowers.

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

My grandad was telling a story from his days in the navy during the war, they detected a submarine so dropped a depth charge. There was a huge explosion and lots of dead sheep floated to the surface.


They reckoned it was a ewe boat...