Old fashioned clean jokes

[chinatyke]

Nothing is made in the UK these days I've just bought a new radio and it says 'Built in Antenna" - I don't even know where that country is.

[Stanley]

I like that!

[Tripps]

Found during today's wandering round the web. Made me smile.

camouflage.jpg

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

Five surgeons are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Belfast City Hospital, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Antrim Area Hospital, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is co lour coded."

The third surgeon, from Royal Belfast Hospital , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Musgrave Park Hospital "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Ulster Hospital, Dundonald , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’

[Bodger]

3 body's turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces. Cop ask's coroner "why r they all smiling" coroner says "1st guy died of heart attack while making love to his wife, hence his smile. 2nd guy won lottery, spent it all on whisky+died of alcohol poisoning hence his smile, 3rd guy was unusual- paddy from dublin, struck by lightning, cop says "why the hell was he smiling? Coroner replies "he thought he was havin his photo taken!"

[Stanley]

The way I first heard the first one was that Japanese software engineers were one of the easy ones, you just swapped the faulty eprom boards out but the punch line was the same.
Overall,

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

[Tizer]

I hear that Boris used the word shit in Parliament the other day. That's nothing, Bercow's been shouting `Ordure, ordure' for ages!

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

I gave my father £100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier '. So he went out and bought a present for my mother '.

[Stanley]

Just what I did when I had a pools win many years ago Cathy. I bought Vera a Moreland sheepskin coat, something she had always wanted!

[chinatyke]

In studies at Buxton University it was clearly shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

[Stanley]

Is that good or bad for someone born on February 29th?

[chinatyke]

Is that good or bad for someone born on February 29th?

I once got the sack on Feb 29th, I always felt cheated.

[Stanley]

[Tizer]

I saw this notice in Corfe Castle Station Museum last week. I think a similar one should be put up in the House of Commons!

[Stanley]

Quite....

[Cathy]

This one could really bomb

If your Russian when you go into the bathroom, and your Finished when you come out, what are you when your in the bathroom?

I think it's a Dad joke but not really sure...

[Stanley]

I like it Cathy anyway!

[chinatyke]

► Show Spoiler

European.

[Bodger]

One for the likes of us Stanley !!

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

[Stanley]

I like China's show spoiler and that's a good one Bodge. The variant I heard was that a man in a Rolls was approaching a parking space when a young man driving a small sports car zoomed in and nicked the space. As he got out he smirked at the Rolls driver and said "That's what you can do when you're young and fast!" The old bloke just drove into the space crushing the sports car and pushing it out of the way. As he got out of the Rolls he told the young man "That's what you can do when you're old and well-heeled like me".
An even better one is the case of the trucker eating his breakfast when a gaggle of Hells Angels roared up and parked their bikes in a row in the middle of the parking lot where they were in everybody's way. They came in the diner and started disrupting everyone's enjoyment. One of them walked up to the old trucker who was ignoring them and stubbed out his cigarette in the breakfast and put the stub in his coffee. The trucker didn't say a word, he just got up and walked out. The biker said to the owner "Well, he isn't much of a man is he!" The owner waited a second or two, gazing out of the window and then said "He isn't much of a driver either. He's just driven over your bikes....".

[Big Kev]

Went to a restaurant last night, the waiter said
"For starters there's badger soup, followed by roast badger and finishing with badger mousse”

“Is there anything else apart from badger?" I asked.

“No", he replied.

"It's a sett menu."