Old fashioned clean jokes
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in Auckland New Zealand with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in Sydney Australia, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
“Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Auckland New Zealand, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up… So she took them home and enjoyed a wonderful meal.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in Sydney Australia, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
“Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Auckland New Zealand, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up… So she took them home and enjoyed a wonderful meal.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 91510
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I like it. Reminds me of some graffiti I once saw in a lavatory.
"It's no good standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump six feet!"
"It's no good standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump six feet!"
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
( no...they are life lines love...HE did this to you!)
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 91510
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Marriage.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?".
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Red Skelton
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Arthur Morgan
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an ad. in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine'.
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'.
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive'.
Anonymous
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?".
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Red Skelton
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Arthur Morgan
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an ad. in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine'.
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'.
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive'.
Anonymous
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
A father’s daughter brought home her prospective fiancee.
It was the first time he’d met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
“So, what do you do for a living?” he asked
“I have no job” he replied
“Really? Well, how do you expect to provide for my daughter?”>
“God will provide, I’m sure” was the answer from the intended
“And how exactly will he do that then?”
“God is merciful and will ensure we do not want,” he said with all sincerity
“And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?”
“God will ensure he provides a bounty for the whole family”
“OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?”
“I don’t know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways”
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
“What’s up a friend? You seem troubled”
“Well, I’ve just met my girl’s new fiancé”
“Oh man, bad news?”
“Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I’m God…”
It was the first time he’d met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
“So, what do you do for a living?” he asked
“I have no job” he replied
“Really? Well, how do you expect to provide for my daughter?”>
“God will provide, I’m sure” was the answer from the intended
“And how exactly will he do that then?”
“God is merciful and will ensure we do not want,” he said with all sincerity
“And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?”
“God will ensure he provides a bounty for the whole family”
“OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?”
“I don’t know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways”
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
“What’s up a friend? You seem troubled”
“Well, I’ve just met my girl’s new fiancé”
“Oh man, bad news?”
“Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I’m God…”
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 91510
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I like that!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 91510
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I think this constitutes a joke...
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Kev
Stylish Fashion Icon.
Stylish Fashion Icon.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
No wonder Apple and Google laughed if Dom's mate asked for a `propriety code'! But then Dom probably doesn't let his mate use a spellchecker because `it's a tool of the global elite'.
Mrs Tiz found this cartoon in The Economist recently (she's been taking advantage of our Library's free access to periodicals'.
Mrs Tiz found this cartoon in The Economist recently (she's been taking advantage of our Library's free access to periodicals'.
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 91510
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
You're right Kev, it is a joke! I heard a report on the various apps yesterday and another advantage they have is that they work internationally. It appears that there are even differences cross border in the 'UK'.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 91510
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
What an old Cynic you are Ken! But I like it.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
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Kev
Stylish Fashion Icon.
Stylish Fashion Icon.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Subject: Tragedy
The teacher asked Mr Johnson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said BoJo, 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said Johnson, 'That's what we would call a great loss.'
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. BoJo searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Boris, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either.
The teacher asked Mr Johnson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said BoJo, 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said Johnson, 'That's what we would call a great loss.'
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. BoJo searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Boris, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
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Kev
Stylish Fashion Icon.
Stylish Fashion Icon.
- Stanley
- Global Moderator
- Posts: 91510
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 12:01
- Location: Barnoldswick. Nearer to Heaven than Gloria.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I have a request... There is on Facebook a video posted by either Susan or Margaret of me doing Susan's methylated spirits method of getting rid of water marks on a polished table. One of my friends told me she had seen it and it was the funniest thing she had seen in years. I have the video but don't know how to link it onto the site and I am not a member of Facebook. Can any of the experts out there find it and put a link on the site? It has me beat. I think it might amuse you.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Stanley's View
scg1936 at talktalk.net
"Beware of certitude" (Jimmy Reid)
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I don't think there's a mechanism for uploading video to the site. Ask Ian.
Nullius in verba: On the word of no one (Motto of the Royal Society)
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
I could add a link to the video that's on Facebook (if I could find it) but you'd need a Facebook account to see it. Best bet is to upload it to Youtube and post a link to it.Stanley wrote: ↑25 Jun 2020, 05:04 I have a request... There is on Facebook a video posted by either Susan or Margaret of me doing Susan's methylated spirits method of getting rid of water marks on a polished table. One of my friends told me she had seen it and it was the funniest thing she had seen in years. I have the video but don't know how to link it onto the site and I am not a member of Facebook. Can any of the experts out there find it and put a link on the site? It has me beat. I think it might amuse you.
Kev
Stylish Fashion Icon.
Stylish Fashion Icon.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
Agreed. Probably need to start an account - but I've done it so quite possible.
Born to be mild
Sapere Aude
Ego Lego
Preferred pronouns - Thou, Thee, Thy, Thine
My non-working days are Monday - Sunday
Sapere Aude
Ego Lego
Preferred pronouns - Thou, Thee, Thy, Thine
My non-working days are Monday - Sunday
- PanBiker
- Site Administrator
- Posts: 16625
- Joined: 23 Jan 2012, 13:07
- Location: Barnoldswick - In the West Riding of Yorkshire, always was, always will be.
Re: Old fashioned clean jokes
The site won't do embedded video links. Only YouTube links in posts.
Late on the site today been otherwise engaged with medical matters.
Late on the site today been otherwise engaged with medical matters.
Ian