Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

An old Dales farmer called in at the bank in Skipton and asked if it was true that the manager had died, the clerk told him yes, that was true. The farmer called in week after week to ask the same question and in the end the clerk lost it and asked him why he kept asking? Didn't he understand, the manager was dead! The farmer said yes, he understood that but he kept asking because he liked hearing the clerk reporting the death of the manager who had been the bane of his life for years. (That could be a true story!)

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

Clever

[Tripps]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to donate blood.

The rabbit says, I think I might be a type-O.

[Big Kev]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to donate blood.

The rabbit says, I think I might be a type-O.

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

Even more clever!

[Big Kev]

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence, for example

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

Jane ate her friend's colon...

[Stanley]

Not a fun image Kev!

[Tizer]

I didn't get the rabbi joke yesterday but I'd slept badly. Slept better last night and got it this morning. Very good....

[chinatyke]

Oh! The grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men.
He also had some younger girls
But he can't remember them!



[Seen on the internet this morning.]

[Stanley]

King Solomon and King David had rather pleasant lives
The both had a thousand concubines and twice as many wives
But both when growing old and weak were struck with sudden qualms
So Solomon wrote the Proverbs and David write the Psalms.

God knows where I got that from. Can't find any reference to it anywhere.....
That's what comes from an education where learning poetry off by heart was a regular exercise.

[Tripps]

where learning poetry off by heart was a regular exercise.

Another memory of Aunty Josie. . .by William Allingham.

Up the airy mountain,
Down the rushy glen,
We daren’t go a-hunting
For fear of little men;
Wee folk, good folk,
Trooping all together;
Green jacket, red cap,
And white owl’s feather!

Down along the rocky shore
Some make their home,
They live on crispy pancakes
Of yellow tide-foam;
Some in the reeds
Of the black mountain lake,
With frogs for their watch-dogs,
All night awake. . . . . .

[PanBiker]

Stanley wrote:

King Solomon and King David had rather pleasant lives
The both had a thousand concubines and twice as many wives
But both when growing old and weak were struck with sudden qualms
So Solomon wrote the Proverbs and David write the Psalms.

God knows where I got that from. Can't find any reference to it anywhere.....



Is it anything to do with "Don Juan" by Lord Byron?

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

David, my kids taught me that one from school and a scurrilous version of 'Once upon a time.... when monkeys chewed tobacco...' which Ted Waite taught them.
Don't know is the short answer Ian. Too long to read it all to find out!
Nice one Kev. I too think the Russians might be a bit too quick off the mark but who knows?

[Tizer]

A joke told to Gyles Brandreth by Barry Cryer...
In an airliner flying over the ocean there came a message over the loudseakers from the pilot.
`Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. I hope you are enjoying your flight and the staff are looking after you well. We will be approaching some turbulence shortly so please fasten your seat belts. For your information, I am currently working from home.'

[Cathy]

Tizer, you made my heart drop reading that.
Far out, just imagine.

[PanBiker]

Ha, not to be a fun spoiler but the co-pilot could land it.

[Tripps]

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PS - I could have told you a joke about Covid 19, but 99.7 % of you wouldn't get it.

[Big Kev]

Went into the worst pub ever today, it was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn...

[Stanley]

[Stanley]

Unfortunately THIS is a serous matter not a joke but just imagine the reaction of the two officers who stopped Metropolitan Police Inspector Charles Ehikioya who was driving home after his shift. In the recording, shared with BBC News, the officer said Insp Ehikioya was being stopped for driving at speed and it "looked like he had gone through a red light". Yeah, right!
Not surprisingly the inspector has lodged a complaint against the action.
The funny side of it is to imagine what the reaction was back at the station when they reported the incident. It will take some living down.

[Cathy]

This one is for Sue.

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[Stanley]

That's cruel Cathy! At first I thought she was in a giant blue vinyl glove. Then I realised the mistake. If I had that handicap it would be no joke.
(And definitely doesn't apply to Sue!)