Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

Received this photo in one of those emails that do the rounds...

[Stanley]

Nice one! Do you remember the one where the monitor screen was put on the photocopier to get an image? Mind you, note that is an older person making the joke, ageist!

[GAK]

I received this from one of my contact's

My SatNav


I have a little SatNav
It sits there in my car
A SatNav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little SatNav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My SatNav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

[GAK]

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[Tizer]

I like the sat nav one best - the other is too close to reality!

[Stanley]

Don't worry! I've always let my tea go cold, I like it that way......

[Tizer]

Rabbi Lionel Blue on Thought for the Day...
A man shows off his new pet dog to his wife:
Wife: I don't know why you bother, none of your pets are any good.
Man: What do you mean?
Wife: You had a parrot that couldn't talk and a cat that was frightened of mice.
Man: Well just watch this!
[He's throws a stick into the lake, the dog walks across the water, picks up the stick and walks back across the water.]
Man: What about that then!
Wife: See, you go and buy a dog that can't swim!

[Stanley]

I heard it as well. The old ones are the best! One of the effects of old age is that you can usually fill the punch line in before the raconteur gets there....

[Tizer]

Another Jewish joke...

Lionel and his wife Sharon have just done their weekly shopping at Marks & Spencer food hall and are now queuing to pay. Suddenly, remembering that she needs some money, Sharon leaves Lionel to pay while she goes outside to look for a cash dispenser.
Lionel pays for the food, but as he’s wheeling the trolley outside the store, he sees a gorgeous woman smiling at him. Then, to his surprise, she says to him, "Hello."
He starts to think, ‘She looks a bit familiar but I just can't place where I might know her from.’ So Lionel replies, "Hello. Do I know you?"
"I’m not sure," she replies, "I could be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children."
Lionel is shocked and immediately starts thinking back to the time of his one and only indiscretion. So, blushing heavily, he says to her, "Oy Veh, are you the lady I met some year’s back at my shul’s Chanukah party when my wife was at home in bed with the flu? When you and I had too much Palwin wine to drink? Where we found a nice quiet room in the secretary’s office and made great love, with you scratching my back with your nails in your excitement?"
There is a short pause...
"No, you’ve got the wrong woman," she replies with a smile, "I'm your son's Science teacher!"

[Stanley]

Nice one..... I didn't see that one coming. Perhaps I haven't heard all the jokes after all! (Alternatively, I might just have forgotten it.... Oy Vay... (Checked the spelling with Leo Rosten.)

[GAK]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

1. You have got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
2.-No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
3. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
4. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
6. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
7.-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
8. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )
9.-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
10.-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
11. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
12. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
13. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[Gearce]

Here's a couple you might like or maybe you've heard them before. Anyway ...

Ted, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Ted and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Ted says,'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Ted placed a £20 note on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Ted, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Ted replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Ted took the money.......
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it... But when I got home all the signs were there.

[Gearce]

Gambling Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...
are men!

[Tizer]

Great one Gearce, nice to see a another joke posted, we need more of them these days!

Someone on the radio the other day said he'd been asked to speak on management at a Funeral Directors' Annual Dinner, so he chose his topic to be: `Thinking outside the box'.

[Gearce]

I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!
===================================
Some ten-year-olds were asked to write about something unusual that happened in the previous week.
One little boy got up and began reading, "Daddy fell down the well last week...".
"My goodness," said the teacher. "Is he all right.?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped calling for help yesterday!"

[Bodger]

There was a fat, alcoholic, transvestite, all he wanted was to , eat, drink, and be Mary

[Big Kev]

At a traffic warden's funeral they were just lowering the coffin into the ground when, to everyone's amazement, there came a voice from inside. "let me out, I'm not dead!"

"Sorry, no can do" says the vicar "I've already done the paperwork"

[Gearce]

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvellous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."

[Bodger]

SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR …

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a

Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and

Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook

But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds

Flew over. I looked up, and one of them s##t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.

"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird s##t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[PostmanPete]

For those of you who fart (and who doesn't) this is educational.

Read carefully!!







I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it, so if you know any other than me, send it to 'em...

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity.

They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the Old Farts you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

[Stanley]

Nice one Pete. You can usually identify the Old Farts. They wear hats, tuck their shirts in their trousers and wear braces. They also block shop doorways and busy pavements as they stand about talking.

[PanBiker]

Oh dear! the first three apply to me, I'm working on number 4. I am developing a healthy grumpyness for future use, but I don't yet consider myself old. Am I living under a delusion or what!

[Stanley]

Ian, you stick to your fantasies as long as you can!

[Tizer]

...and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

This depends how old you are. If you are really, really old then you make certain the lady is on the outside for protection, because in the bad old days she was more likely to suffer the attentions of robbers jumping out of alleyways and doorways and householders emptying their chamber pots out of upstairs windows.

As for the poster on the science of flatulence, the figures for gas composition in the pie chart don't stack up with the claim that you wouldn't suffocate in that gas mixture. The figures show too little oxygen for human survival. Don't try the experiment at home kids!

[Stanley]

I always keep the lady on my left so that my sword arm is free. Funny thing isn't it, when I was a lad I was taught that these things were very important.