Family Matters

[Tizer]

Tiz...could you and Mrs Tiz not prepare some home cooked meals, freeze them and deliver them?
I was just thinking that if Dad needs more nutrition just now ( especially with current therapy), that whatever you come up with has to beat a £1 ready meal. I've been doing the same thing for quite a while now, and it doesn't take much effort at all.

Maz, I missed your post but Mrs Tiz saw it and asked me to respond with an explanation. She used to do this but now he leaves her meals and eats his cheapo supermarket ones instead, even though they are tasty and nutritious! We end up throwing out Mrs Tiz's meals from his freezer or fridge and she never gets any thanks from him for providing them. Quite depressing for her.

[Marilyn]

He is quite a naughty individual, your Dad!
( I would withdraw my efforts too, Mrs Tiz.)

[Stanley]

I can't help thinking he is an example to us all of how not to behave in certain respects. Inuits had the solution, pop him on an ice floe.....

[Tizer]

You're beginning to find out what my dad's really like! He's now done three weeks of the radiotherapy and has been taken back and forth every weekday afternoon for free by Red Cross volunteers; one more week to go. Shortly after 9.00am today he phoned me to complain that he had rung the hospital radiotherapy centre to check they would collect him this afternoon but they couldn't deal with his query. I pointed out that it's Red Cross, not the hospital that collects him, that they've collected him every afternoon for three weeks and will do again today - he knows that it's a 4-week block booking - and there's no need for him to contact anyone. But it's water off a duck's back, if he gets it into his head then he believes he's right. In fact one of my mother's favourite phrases when referring to my dad was "it's water off a duck's back"; another one, used about him by my mum and both my grandmas was "A leopard never changes his spots".

[Marilyn]

Aye..and the term "bloody minded" springs to my lips too.
( I think there was a time when it was quite acceptable for men to have such attitudes. I remember the frustration felt by one elderly woman I knew...hubby would take her on holidays but she never knew until the last moment the exact day/time they would be setting off. Then she never knew the exact day/time they would be heading home again. He would suddenly rise from his chair and say they were leaving NOW. I suggested she ask him outright...but she felt that would never do. So quaintly old fashioned! Bless them both. A different age...we often forget these things. Many things were simply left to mystery...)

[Tripps]

You're a harsh lot aren't you?

I am in the company of similar people most days at the moment - enjoy your life while you can.

I think you should listen to this from my latest music discovery Mary Gauthier. Mercy Now

[Stanley]

Not harsh, realistic. There are times in life when the 'compassion quotient' fails and the only measure anyone outside should apply is to reflect on what they would do. The wonder is that people in that position show so much patience and compassion.

[Tizer]

It's hard to be compassionate about my dad because he has never shown any compassion, empathy or sympathy towards other people. Those emotions have always been alien to him. For example, he makes rude comments about disabled people. This is why he has never had friends.

[Marilyn]

I wonder what happened to him to make him like that...

[Tizer]

My grandma's first three children were boys who all died within their first year, then she had three girls, then WW1 began and grandad was away for some years. My dad was born shortly before the armistice and was christened in the parish church which is now Blackburn cathedral. I think his parents were overjoyed to have a boy, especially as the war ended, and that he was spoilt by them and by the three elder sisters. He was followed by a younger brother who probably got less attention but was a totally different character and grew up to be known and liked widely, whereas my dad was hardly known outside home and school. People would say to my grandma, "I didn't know you had an older son".

[Marilyn]

That is interesting. The person I was referring too was much the same. He had had a strong mother, a submissive father who was largely absent, and so was mainly raised through the critical years by his mother and three or four doting ( spinster) aunties. He was also an only child, which didn't help. He grew up believing that the universe revolved around him.

[Stanley]

The big danger in these circumstances is that the carers who have to deal with this sort of behaviour feel guilty because they get angry. They shouldn't, it's the object of people like this to engender guilt in the carer and then use it as a weapon. I think Mr and Mrs Tiz know this and they have my sympathy.

[PanBiker]

Interring some of Dan's ashes this morning at Ghyll, cancelled from last week. Some more of him will be going on the top of Penyghent. That was the first hill he did when he was just short of five years old (with a lot of coaxing). We have walked it together in all weathers becoming a favourite of his and will always remain so with me. Will save that for a nice summer day.

[Marilyn]

That is nice Panny.
My husband's brother, father and mother are all scattered at a certain point right in the centre of Australia. ( for that reason, I hope I go before him, as I do not find the thought of going 1000 miles into the desert at all appealing). If it has to be done, it will be done, but he can wait until Winter because I am not heading out there in 50 degree heat !
( can't imagine whose brilliant idea it was in the first place)

[Tizer]

I remember the frustration felt by one elderly woman I knew...hubby would take her on holidays but she never knew until the last moment the exact day/time they would be setting off. Then she never knew the exact day/time they would be heading home again. He would suddenly rise from his chair and say they were leaving NOW.

That sounds familiar Maz, my dad would get the car out of the garage on a Sunday and that was the first we knew that we were going out. He had old cars and was always getting fed up and changing them, but he wouldn't mention it to mum - the first we would know was the next time he got the car out it would be different! If it was the same colour as the previous one my mum might not even notice it had changed (but I knew). He would hand his wage packet to mum each week and she would give him spending money, which he saved until he could change the car again. If he'd saved it for longer in the bank we might have been able one day to move out of the council house and buy our own house. He hid the money until the time came to change car. Mum once found a stash in a grubby old handbag that had belonged to Grandma so she took the money out and put the bag in the bin. When dad came home she said "I found a grubby old handbag of your mum's today so I threw it into the bin" - he shot out of the back door as if his trousers were on fire!

[Marilyn]

He sounds like a CLASSIC, Tiz.
So many similarities to the couple I knew. Unfortunately, the woman went on to develop Alzheimer's, which was sad....but in a way she had never known what was happening next all her married life. She had always been informed of his plans at the point they were carried out, even to the extent where he would say "Get your coat on love, I've made a doctor's appointment for you. It is in ten minutes."
I'd be horrified if my hubby did things like that.
Or, on other occasions when the woman was obviously sick and I'd ask if she had seen the doctor, she would reply that it didn't appear her husband had made an appointment. ( she was just as bad as him!)
And doctor's word was LAW. If he gave her two bottles of pills to swallow, swallow them she did. Never knew what they were for...never asked...!!

[Stanley]

Cold day for it Ian, hope you all wrapped up warmly!

[PanBiker]

Yes we did Stanley, it was cold but very bright, a perfect day really and a lot better than the same time last week that we originally had arranged. Not a long procedure of course, the stone had already been installed and John Blades was there to finalise the plot. Ruby took a little flower down for her daddy and let a pink balloon go up in the sky for him.

[Marilyn]

Oh that is nice, Panbiker.
I always feel the weather should be quite sad to match the mood of the occasion. Difficult to stand there on a bright sunshine drenched day and say Goodbye.
Enjoy your special walk, when it comes. Now that is different...a bit of sunshine will make that bit special. ( you will probably get four seasons in the one day anyway).
God bless little Ruby...

[Stanley]

Only one sort of weather in Barlick at the moment Maz. Cold winter!

[Tizer]

We were advised that my dad should apply for `Attendance Allowance for People Aged 65 or Over'...this photo shows the 30 page form (A4) that has to be filled in and, as if this isn't enough, it comes with 15 pages (A4, not shown in photo) of instructions. Do the bureaucrats think we have nothing else to do in our lives? Not everything is applicable to my dad but you still have to work through all the form's pages and the instructions to find out what's needed and what isn't.

[Marilyn]

Phew.
Who wants to get old?

[Stanley]

Common syndrome these days Tiz. Remember the time when the advocates of computerisation forecast the 'paperless office'? Must have been the biggest con-trick of all time! Could it be that this justifies employing the Jobsworths? (Nice way of bringing it home to everyone, send pic to the Council's IT manager? Or local paper?

[Tizer]

The paperless office hasn't reached the NHS either. I was referred to Taunton hospital by my GP to see a physiotherapist, had to then wait 2 weeks for a letter from them, they asked if I preferred to go to Bridgwater community hospital instead (their waiting list was 4-6 weeks). I agreed because it's much easier to get too and they said they would pass on the referral. A week later I phoned Bridgwater and they hadn't received anything but said they could take me the following day and told me to ask Taunton to fax the referral. Phoned Taunton and they wouldn't do anything about it, said I had to go back and ask my GP to do it. I asked them to simply fax the same letter they already had - can't do it, they'd sent the only copy and "it must be in the post to Bridgwater". I expressed surprise they didn't have it on the computer but they say "it hasn't been computerised". All they would have to do if they receive (paper) letters is put them through the scanner and keep the copy on the network but they've probably never been told to do it. The GP responded quickly and I now have an appointment tomorrow. The staff at Bridgwater community hospital were appalled to hear that I'd had to wait so long and were falling over themselves to help me, bless `em!

One thing I've learnt is that you've got to bypass the system. Don't rely on your GP or on the central NHS appointments people. Phone hospitals directly and ask them their waiting time for your type of treatment. You might be pleasantly surprised that you can get much faster treatment in a small hospital, or treatment much closer to home.

[Stanley]

In other words, find a human being and talk to them.....