Old fashioned clean jokes

[Gearce]

WEIGHT WATCHING FOR MEN

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe
Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day - 10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is
The most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost ano the r 10kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
A huge muscular guy standing the re wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31kgs that week. . .

[Cathy]

Very good Gearce, very good

[Stanley]

I once saw a sign on a fence between Perth and Fremantle which read: "Weight reduction programme. Amputation works!"

[Kingsley]

3 construction workers discussing their lunch pail contents: Englishman "if I get the same old jam butty tomorrow I will jump of this damn building", Irish lad says basically the same thing, French man too says he'll jump if he gets the bread and cheese.
Next day lunch break, Englishman has a different butty in the lunch pail, Irishman too has a change, French man has the same old, curses and jumps off the building. At the funeral his wife is heard to tell the other lads "I just don't understand it, he always made his own lunch".

[Cathy]

This is meant to be a true story (??) but I thought it was so funny it doubles as a joke...

A nurse was on duty in the A & E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk-rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quicky determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read... "Keep off the grass".
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read "Sorry... Had to mow the lawn".

[Stanley]

I like it Cath! Reminds me of a line in an Alberta Hunter song, 'He trims my front lawn" and yes, she was on about the same thing! She was over 80 at the time.....

[Rob07]

did you hear about the irish ram raiders who ran out of petrol chasing a mobile shop?
or the jewish kamakazi pilot crashed his plane in his brothers scrap yard?

[Rob07]

2 Irishmen go to a seance, the clairvoyant leads them to a round table and when they sit down she asks them to join hands while she contacts the spirits. After a couple of minutes the clairvoyant bursts into a fit of uncontrollable laughter,
Murphy gives her a right and knocks her out cold!
Casey asks Murphy why did you do that?
Murphy replies well you know me I like to strike a happy medium!

[Bradders Bluesinger]

I heard this one on Larry Adler's BBC Radio 4 show " American Minority Humour" , years ago .
(I lost the tapes when my car was stolen from outside the Corn Exchange in Manchester ...Didn't mind about the car , but I'm still gutted about the tapes .....Incidentally , I had several offers of lifts home to Derby from my Jewish friends , on the day . They were wonderful !) ...
Any way....
A little older Jewish guy turns up for an audition for Hamlet at a big New York theatre...The Producer sees him shuffle on stage and asks him what part he's come for ......
"CHJAMLET" says he in a thick Jewish accent .."de big honcho ..de main man...."
"Get off" shouts the producer and then changes his mind , thinking he was in for a bit of a laugh....
The little guy proceeds to deliver the soliloquy in a perfect take off of Larry Olivier.....
The producer is AMAZED , and asks "How did you do that ? ....I have never heard it better "
The little Jewish Guy gives him look over the top of his spectacles ,stretches his arms , hunches his shoulders, and says ....
"Dat's Actink "

[Rob07]

Policeman walking through a dance school car park checking on the cars, he knocks on the window and when the window comes down he asks "what are you doing here" ? oh were going to the dance school learning the foxtrot, at the second car he asks the same question and the reply was oh were learning the cha cha cha.
Then he spots a brand new Rolls Royce so he knocks on that window and when the window comes down he asks I suppose your doing the Bossonova? ah says the blonde actually I'm doing the boss a favour!

Frank Carson

[Gloria]

Now I understand
Everyone of you will laugh at this! I said so.....On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[Gearce]

Here's three I think you'll like

HOW US OLDER GUYS PICK UP CHICKS

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought ,
"These Taser guns are well worth the money"
========================================
Irish Accident

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears
and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'
======================================
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"

[Galvano]

Also old fashioned baseball jokes are very funny. I am not so known with baseball but i like to watch this game. Because its playing tendency is very enjoyable. So, one day i was watching baseball on tv. Then my cousin asked me that, "are you know the rules of baseball?" I replied, "NO" . After hearing my answer she became strange.

[Stanley]

Welcome Galvano. Who needs cousins anyway?

[Tizer]

There was a lovely discussion on the Radio 4 Today programme yesterday about the market for erotic literature. I was impressed by a lady who had been editor of `The Erotic Review' and had a great sense of humour. They mentioned the difference between men's and women's erotic literature and she said that whereas men might simply want it to satisfy their fantasy about naked women jelly wrestling, women readers would want to know "What was the jelly like, where did it come from?" I could hardly eat my cornflakes for laughing! (And then I wondered "How do you wrestle a jelly, can you put a jelly in an arm lock?", so I googled the phrase but only found a lot of scantily clad, healthy-looking ladies and was disappointed by the lack of much jelly. Ah well, can't have everything.)

[Stanley]

I missed that Tiz, I tend to turn the wireless off when I am reading. Erotic literature (or as my dad called them when warning me against them, 'dirty books') has always been a risqué subject. Little known fact, Jasmit Publications used to be one of the major publishers and was based in Padiham, I seem to remember they published the 'Hank Janson' series, at one time a very famous example of the genre. I'll bet if I could see one now it would be incredibly tame. A couple of years ago one of my grand daughters was house sitting the dog for a night while I was away and she asked me why the office upstairs was locked. I told her that was where the dirty books were stored, she evinced no surprise at all!

[Gearce]

A NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation
and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a
statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,
'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig
leaf on that statue, the lights go out.... Now, how about that drink?'

[Tizer]

I seem to remember there was a pub on the A1 somewhere in Yorkshire that had that kind of amusement except I think it lit up a light or a buzzer in the bar. Mind you, there might have been lots of pubs on the A1 with them!

My sister-in-law is visiting her son in Singapore and she sent this in her last email message...

By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And then you will be ready to take on China ! Believe me... you WILL understand!!! Here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ... (or Melbourne depending on whose motel you stay in).
Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: " .....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I did say "By the time you read through this..... YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
...and you do, don't you!

[Stanley]

I've heard the story about the fig leaf before and have come across similar ploys. One was a half crown bolted to the floor, regulars in the pub got a lot of amusement watching people try to pick it up. About two years ago I was had with a 20p coin super-glued to a kerb stone on Park Road in Barlick. Someone was having a laugh as I tried to pick it up. There used to be a transport café at the Boot and Shoe junction on the A1 where the Leeds road hit the trunk road. When you were queuing up for the counter there was a small notice reading 'In case of fire, lift this flap'. When you did there was another notice underneath that read 'Not yet you bloody fool!' We once got a new Thames Trader tanker at West Marton and I was asked to take it and run it for a week to get it bedded in. Lousy wagon and at the end of the week I was glad to go back to my old AEC. However, there was one lighter moment. I was driving along and identified the tiny rattle that had been annoying me, it was the loose blanking disc of plastic in the centre of the steering wheel that concealed the fixing nut. When I prised it out there was a folded note inside the cavity. It read "Help! I am being held prisoner in a steering wheel factory!" I had a laugh and put it back.....

[Tizer]

I was reading the newsletter of the Plymouth Postcard Collectors' Club, as one does, and found this:

[Tizer]

I saw this on a gardening web page and I guess it was written by a woman:

Grow your own dope...plant a man!

[Tizer]

A joke currently popular in Greece (heard on BBC Radio BH programme this morning)...

Angela Merkel visits Greece and presents herself at the customs officer's desk. The officer is asking her a series of questions...
Officer: Occupation?
Merkel: No, just visiting.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know if this story is true but I heard it on the News quiz.
Dennis Skinner was addressing the House of Commons...
Skinner: Half the members opposite are liars!
Mr Speaker: I must ask to you to retract that statement.
Skinner: Yes your Honour. Half the members opposite are not liars!

[Stanley]

I heard that as well on the News Quiz. Brilliant and probably factually true!

[Gearce]

Mr Fixit.....

This is quite funny in this modern world.......

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:
"Computer completely !@#%%&^ now."

[Bodger]

Whats the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding ?
One less person at the funeral