Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tardis]

It may be a left over from having done the University Rag Mag, plus there are a lot on #badjokethursday on twitter

[Tardis]

I went to a fancy dress party last night covered in gooseberries and cream.

I looked like a right fool

[PostmanPete]

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’

[Tardis]

Seen in Devon:

[Tardis]

What did the painter say to the wall?

One more crack, and I'll plaster you

[LizG]

We need a 'Like' button on this site. I would have used it a few times today

[Cathy]

Just press on the hand with thumb up icon (to the right)... done.

[Tardis]

FORM GUIDE:
Arsenal: WWWWW
Liverpool: WWDLW
Spurs: WLWWD
Chelsea: WDLWD
Man City: LWDWL
Man United: LMFAO

[Tripps]

My son - who is a fully paid up Southerner sent me this - said they reminded him of me. Quite touching really.....
though I'd have thought he would have remembered I'm from Lancashire.

A Yorkshire chap takes his cat to the vet:-
Yorkshire chap :"Ayup lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat"
Vet:"Is it a Tom?
Yorkshire Chap: "Nay, I've browt it with us"


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a good companion he decides to have a gold statue made of the animal to remember it by. He approaches a jeweler to do the work.
Yorkshireman: Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller : "Certainly sir. Do you want it 18 Carat?"
Yorkshireman. " No tha daft beggar. I want it chewin a bone"

[plaques]

A true tale.
Overheard in a bowling green shelter while waiting for a rain shower to pass over.
Old gentleman pulls out a Sherlock Holmes type pipe with an absolutely enormous bowl on it.

“By, thy’s getten a real cadgers pipe there.”
“Aye, don’t usually use this it takes up too much bacci, but son-in-law’s in’t merchant navy and he said it can get it dirt cheap in China”
“You want to ask him t’get thee some”
“I have done, asked him to bring me 10 ton back”
“10 ton! Tha can’t do that!”
“ Oh, I don’t know, them ships will hold a fare bit”

[Tizer]

This one should appeal to Gearce's sense of humour...a sign we saw at the side of the road while holidaying in Cornwall last week:
"Freshly caught crab sandwiches."

[Tardis]

a £200 fine?

[Tizer]

The fine is collected by a skeletal-looking guy in a long cloak riding a horse and carrying a scythe...

[Stanley]

"It is an offence to throw stones at this notice".

[David Whipp]

The fine is collected by a skeletal-looking guy in a long cloak riding a horse and carrying a scythe...

as he ferries you across the Styx.

[Tizer]

Inflation in the ferry business must be running at about 20,000%!

[David Whipp]

debased coinage?

[Tizer]

No, de worst coinage, man.

[PostmanPete]

Headline in The Sun newspaper - 5th November 1605 - 'KNIVES OUT FOR FAWKES'

[Tardis]

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

[Tardis]

My mate's girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"
He immediately popped the question

[Tardis]

Bought a new aftershave last night called Eau de Breadcrumb.

I'm not too keen on it but the birds love it

[Tizer]

Did you hear the Tom Wrigglesworth comedy programme on Radio 4 where it opens with him phoning his father...
Father: Who's that?
Tom: It's me, Tom!
Father: Who?
Tom: Tom, your son.
Father: I can't hear you, wait a minute while I get my glasses...

This sounded much like calling my own father!

[Tripps]

Then he asked him for his date of birth as a security question. Makes a change that comedy on R4 makes me smile. I usually just switch channels immediately. Al Read was good - but that was a long time ago.

[Stanley]

I often wonder whether it's the change in comedy style or the change in me as I get older but I have to admit that most of the comedy offers on R4 leave me cold these days. Bring back Peter Tinniswood and Uncle Mort!