Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

On the News Quiz there was a mention of the energy company Powergen setting up an Italian subsidiary and its web site had a banner showing the new name - Powergenitalia

[Stanley]

I heard that as well... very clever!

[Julie in Norfolk]

I just looked back at a couple of previous posts and Stanley mentioned Peter Tinniswood and Uncle Mort. The best line I ever heard (possibly) was a Peter Tinniswood line.

"Eee Carter, your breath does smell sweet. Have you been sucking the peak of your cloth cap again?"

And now I have some inspiration for a Christmas gift for my dad; thank you Stanley

[Tardis]

Cops are on the hunt for a serial killer with a knitting obsession.

They think he might be following a pattern

[Tripps]

Just heard on Oldham Community Radio (via web)... "The station for the more mature listener"

Old chap goes to his GP with arthritis

How flexible are you?

Well I can't do Thursdays.

[Stanley]

Man goes to Doc with water problem.
Doc. Does it burn?
Old Bloke. I don't know, I haven't tried setting fire to it.

[Tardis]

Why are mountains so funny?
because they're hill areas

[Tizer]

In geology the technical term for mountain building is orogeny. Just imagine the look on students' faces when the old prof says he's going to tell them all they need to know about orogenous zones!

[Tardis]

Doctor doctor,- I keep comparing things with something else.

Don't worry, it's only analogy

[plaques]

Man walks into a dentist.
Receptionist. “Can I help you”
Man. “I keep thinking I’m a moth”
Receptionist “This is a dentists, you need a psychiatrist “.
Man. “Yes I know”.
Receptionist “ Well why did you come in here?”
Man. “Because your light was on!”

[Stanley]

I like it....

[Tardis]

I was standing in the park thinking why does a frisby appear larger the closer it gets? … and then it hit me

[LizG]

Love it!

[Bodger]

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[PanBiker]

Christmas and a knicker joke, double whammy, belter Bodge

[Tizer]

Did you hear about the builder with the black eye...His wife received an email from her friend saying "I've just seen your Bill in town buying orange pantiles" but she forgot to use her spellchecker!

[Stanley]

That reminded me of the joke which ends with a bloke complaining to the genie and asking how his wish had resulted in a bloke 9" tall playing his piano. The genie said sorry, I thought you said 'pianist'. (Sorry about that....)

[Tardis]

I wanted to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart

[Gloria]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies,

wait for it------






---------you'll love this----




"DeNephew."

[Tripps]

Thanks Gloria - I vote that 'gag of the year'.

[Bodger]

Im sure this will raise a wry smile to some of you ?
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water,the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."


Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped .... "They won't let me in without a tie!”

[Stanley]

Nice one.....

[Tizer]

At the end of each week's Radio 4 News Quiz each contestant reads out a humorous quote from a newspaper sent in by listeners. The following quotes were among those used this week.
-----------------------------------

A report titled `Baby boom for Rhinos' reported that the zoo said "Tracking hormones can tell us things like whether or not an animal is a seasonal breeder, whether it's reached puberty, and whether it's cycling on a regular basis".
-----------------------------------

HM Revenue & Customs returned the tax form sent in by a man from Evesham saying he had answered one question incorrectly. In answer to "Do you have anyone dependant on you" he wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads. 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, 650 idiots in Parliament, and the whole of the European commission".

HMRC replied, saying his response was unacceptable, so he responded by asking "Who did I miss out?".

[Stanley]

I told you, the system is far too complicated!

[Tardis]

Rather topical, in so many ways: