Family Matters

[Wendyf]

I don't know how you and Mrs Tiz are staying sane. You must be exhausted.

[Stanley]

I agree with Wendy. Reading the latest instalment in your family saga is profoundly distressing. You know my opinion about the car, perhaps the best strategy is to sabotage it so it can't be used!
The bottom line, is that they are both giving every appearance of sinking slowly and you and Mrs Tiz are fighting to keep them afloat. It may be that it will take a more serious event to precipitate the next stage but of course to even voice that possibility is seen as unthinkable. One thing is certain, any resolution would be a blessed relief for both of you. I think about you and reflect what a sheltered life I lead.....

[Tripps]

There is a case locally where an 87 year old gent tried to drive into the exit of a garage forecourt. Police were involved and they gave him an eye test which he failed. They recommended he cease driving but had no power to actually seize his licence immediately. During the time it took to contact DVLA, a few days later he first drove down the pavement then back on to the road (video shown), then did it again and knocked down and killed a teenage girl. There is more detail here if you wish to see it.Link Click on the 'latest on this story' link to see the video.
I think it may be time for some "white lies"? or if that fails direct appeal to GP or even the Police to intervene.

[Tizer]

Thanks all of you for your support and understanding. At least the building work on our house is at an end with only some decorating left to finish, and that will ease the burden. Some big decisions will have to be made in the coming weeks with regard to all three parents because events will begin to drive the situations ("Events, dear boy, events") as Stanley mentions. I'm with you on the `white lies' David, although it gives a bad feeling of letting down my Dad - but rather that than have him kill or injure someone. I've already started a drip feed such as making the optician's appointment the day before he goes to the doctor and telling them that the doc has asked for the test to assess whether he can continue driving. I wonder if they've tested his peripheral vision because we get the impression that when outside he's unsure about things alongside him. Yesterday we managed to get into town (although it was still badly jammed with traffic) and take him for his pension and then to do his shopping. At the supermarket till he opened his wallet and dropped £20 notes over the floor which slowed things down a bit while Mrs Tiz collected them up. Then she found he'd got a greetings card but hadn't taken the envelope to go with it so she had to go and fetch one. He can think clearly at times but is confused at other times and I don't know how he'll perform during the mental assessment on Tuesday.

People in the local town (Bridgwater) are saying the traffic jams are not so much to do with road works but are due to the new housing estates and trading estates that have been built in recent years. It's always been tricky due to having a main line railway and river in the centre of a small town, plus being surrounded by the Somerset Levels with its network of drainage ditches. The estates seem to precede any improvement to roads as if planning is done on a `suck it and see' basis. Probably the same in lots of towns these days.

[Stanley]

Have the flood waters receded? Are you still affected?

[PanBiker]

We had our visit today from our Family Liaison Officer from Warwickshire Police PC Sharon Coldrick. She arrived about 11.45am and we formulated a statement for the Coroner on Dan's background. In the event the statement ran to six pages and covered his school achievements and interests as well as his family life and relationships. Difficult in places to put it into words but needed for the Coroner to get an idea of the kind of man he was. Sharon left us after 3 in the afternoon so we covered quite a bit in discussion and went through where the inquest was likely to be held. It could be in Leamington Spa or Coventry it will depend on the workload of the Coroners Court as to when and where it can be scheduled. I have mentioned before that PC Sharon has been a star, she did not have to travel the 170miles for this statement it could have been tasked to a local Lancashire Officer. She expressed a wish to do this for us as she thought it would be too impersonal to offload this onto a colleague from another force. She has seen the case all the way through and has come to know us as a family having dealt with Jack in the immediate aftermath and meeting us all when we first went down for the identification and subsequent visits. We cannot praise her enough for the help and support she has given us. Once we are the right side of the inquest I will be writing to the Chief Constable of Warwickshire to express the same to him.

[Tizer]

It's good to hear praise for an individual in the police force. There are nurses and carers who have gone the extra mile for our parents, in a couple of cases carers being present when Mrs Tiz's parents fell and they had to deal with that and call an ambulance, not really their normal day's work.

Stanley, we aren't threatened directly by floods but the main trunk road to Taunton is still flooded and closed (since November) which means long detours and local businesses finding it difficult to survive. It's a main route for emergency ambulances between hospitals in this region and for vehicles carrying blood and transplant organs so it's odd that work hasn't been done to improve the road and eliminate the flood problem once and for all. I keep telling people, "The Romans wouldn't have let this happen!" (In fact, having watched Dan Snow's first railway history programme I now know that George Stephenson didn't let a bit of soggy ground at Chat Moss stop his Liverpool-Manchester Railway line go through!)

[Stanley]

Wee Georgie had the advantage of an enthusiastic board of directors who had a clear goal. Very rare these days in an infrastructure project!

[Wendyf]

My mum isn't too good at the moment. She's light headed, seeing coloured shapes & patterns because of her macular degeneration, feeling nauseous and unable to eat much. She gets overwhelmed by anxiety at the best of times but over the last couple of days she has got very low.
A doctor upped her co-codamol from 2 a day to 4 a couple of weeks ago because she thought Mum might be suffering arthritis in her neck. I'm very concerned that this is unnecessary and much too big a dose for a 4 foot 6 inch 91 year old who eats less than a sparrow. I hope I have persuaded Mum to cut back down again and also to be careful about taking Metformin when she isn't eating, but if the doctor has told her to take something, then take it she must!

[Tizer]

My Dad now has a very pragmatic, sensible GP, a lovely Irish man in a bow tie. As soon as Dad got out of hospital he cancelled one of the new medications Dad had been given ("You won't be needing that") and told him to ignore one of the pieces of advice he'd been told to strictly observe ("They just want to cover themselves; if everyone followed the advice we GPs would be working 24 hours a day and you'd be forever in my waiting room"). Watch out for constipation in your mum from the codeine in all that Co-codamol Wendy! The tablets range from 8mg of codeine to as high as 60mg. Wikipedia says: "In the United Kingdom the 15/500 (i.e. 15mg Codeine and 500mg paracetamol) and 30/500 tablets are available only with a prescription, although the 8/500 and 12.8/500 strengths are available over-the-counter. Manufacturer directions state not to exceed more than the recommended dosage of two tablets every four hours with a maximum of eight (8 x 500 mg) over a 24 hour period and no more than two (2 x 500 mg) at any one time. Other drugs containing paracetamol must be avoided unless otherwise directed by a physician or pharmacist."

Dad was told by the optician that his eyes are OK for driving although he's got a cataract beginning in the right eye (he's had one treated in the left). At the hospital appointment he agreed to a course of radiotherapy consisting of visits 5 days a week for 4 weeks, with transport provided. It won't start until 5th March. At his GP's assessment he was told he should not drive until after the radiotherapy and then he will assessed again. But I explained about Dad's loss of memory and confusion and the GP has warned him that he should not be surprised if he were soon told to stop driving. He emphasised the danger to other people and that he had to accept that he couldn't expect to keep on driving forever. I felt heartened by the GP's support and his sympathetic handling of the problem. It looks like the Extra Care House will probably offer Dad a flat and the GP told him he should take the opportunity now and not delay it.

[Stanley]

Sounds as though you have a sensible doctor there. It must be encouraging to be getting some support. I think about all of you and count my blessings.....

[Tizer]

I probably haven't mentioned that Mrs Tiz's parents are now getting visits from 3 carers each day, attending to both of them - but now they are paying for the service. The `free' service that they were given automatically when Mum came out of hospital turned out to be very bad, with different carers turning up and at all sorts of times, not doing what they were supposed to do and sometimes leaving problems behind when they left. Mum & Dad just wanted to get rid of them, yet they desperately needed help, and a matron at the hospital where they had both been treated suggested a small, local private business. This has turned out to be excellent and although it means paying out a lot at least you get something worthwhile from it. Mrs Tiz, her sister and father all receive an email showing in advance the next week's rota so they know who will be attending each day and it's usually the same people unless someone new starts (and a new carer is introduced to them by the present carers). They turn up at the times indicated on the rota and do what is needed, and Mum & Dad are very positive about the help they get. Dad, especially, has been transformed by being relieved of the burden of trying to help Mum when he doesn't have the strength or the stability to do so. Now he's much more positive and happier.

We're trying to get my Dad the opportunity to live in what they call an `Extra Care Home' and he's now been made an offer and has accepted. However we've had to annotate the acceptance to say that he'll take it up as long as the provided housing benefit is sufficient for him to pay all the fees and have enough left to live on. Mrs Tiz did all the calculations based on the figures given by the council lettings agency and the benefits office and thinks he'll be left with very little. He has to pay rent + service fee + meals (lunch only, at £6 a day!) and several other odds and ends but these fees are not counted when assessing his benefit entitlement. That means if the fees rise he won't get a rise in benefit. I spent a while on the phone arguing this with the council housing officer yesterday but he simply stone-walled, saying `Well that's how it is'. I asked him what would happen if the fees went up and my father couldn't pay - after some toing and froing he admitted the council would still have to find him Extra Care accommodation due to his needs. You can spend hours going round in circles on matters like these, and it's depressing at times (a bit reminiscent of the problem with planners and bats in which we are still involved!).

[PanBiker]

Good to hear that things seem to be moving in the right direction for you at last Tiz.

We have at last got a date for the inquest into Dan's death, it will be the 13th of March and held in Leamington Spa although we don't know the venue yet. It has taken quite a bit of organising. We were originally given a date in March that unfortunately fell on the same day as parents evening at my daughters school. We had to turn that one down as she has responsibility of reporting to 30 lots of parents who's kids are in her charge, a job that can't really be passed to anyone else. When we turned that date down we were told directly by the clerk to the court that the next available slot would be well into April. We were not very happy with pushing the date even further back, we feel that we need to get the right side of this as soon as possible. Our liaison officer was not very happy with this either as the court had rung us directly which should not happen. I'm not sure what has happened behind the scenes but we now have this date suitable for all parties. I have a feeling that Sharon will have had something to do with it.
The inquest will be held in the afternoon but we will go down the day before. I don't fancy having to do the 170 mile trip the same day with a deadline for something so important to us. We are just waiting now for the official paperwork to come through from the court with the finer details on.

[Moh]

Good luck with that Ian, you will feel better when it is not hanging over your head.

[PanBiker]

Thank you Moh, not long after I did that last post we got confirmation from the Coroners Court. The inquest will be held at the Warwickshire Justice Centre in Leamington Spa, they have sent a map and we can see that there is parking nearby. I think we have actually parked there before as Dan used to live in Leamington after he finished university. Happier memories for us there visiting the Pump House and other local attractions, it all seems an age ago now although only 7 or 8 years back.

[Stanley]

Tiz, it sounds as though you are getting somewhere at last. I'm glad. Pity about the bureaucracy and lack of local authority funding but I suppose that's par for the course these days. Did I read right? The bats are still causing you grief? Amazing....
David, good call going down the day before. You're right about the benefits of getting the inquest out of the way, that was my daughter's experience but hers was more complicated and so took a lot of arranging and lasted over three weeks because of all the agencies involved in investigating the plane crash (it took seven years for the full discovery and investigation process!). We were talking about it only the other day and the completion of the inquest and the compensation process was the turning point. Once all that is out of the way you can be left alone to deal with the grieving and gradually get back to something close to normality. Fr4om then on there is a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. Mind you, it ain't easy.....

[Marilyn]

Panny...I was a child when my father died...and a ward of the state, so wasn't even entitled to an explanation of the circumstances at the time...no one to even give me a cuddle. It was expected ( somehow) that children in care were armour plated and more resilient than the general population! Some 45 years later, I had to BUY the inquest results of his death ( not cheap either). Then I had to sit and read the hundreds of pages, alone, and make sense of it myself. Then I had to look at the photos. Then i had to read the autopsy report.Not an easy task.
I am so glad that you have the support that you do, and that you have your liaison officer ( it is wonderful that times have changed).
What is it that, you hope, the outcome will be? ( are they trying to determine if it was accidental/ deliberate/ motor vehicle failure/ extra-ordinary weather conditions/ confusing road signage/alcohol/ drugs/ fatigue/ driver error/ suicide/animals on the road/ driver distraction/ combination of events?)
Will it simply bring you peace of mind to know exactly what happened, whatever the outcome? ( that is the way it was for me when I had to sit and read my father's inquest papers. It wasn't pretty...but it is better ( for me anyway) than always wondering.)

[Stanley]

Some of us have never forgotten the wonderfully brave story you and Cath told us all those years ago.... Big hug Maz.

[Marilyn]

My thoughts were more in the realm of just how hard it would be for a parent to go through this for a child, Stanley.
I think the degree of difficulty would be so much more amplified.

[Marilyn]

Have spent the last week with our combined families on yet another houseboat holiday. Weather warm and tropical, fantastic sunsets viewed from the spa on the top deck, wonderful week, waking to the sound of amazing bird song every morning ( so I feel a bit guilty saying I can't wait to get home, but honestly, living with this lot for an entire week is enough to send anyone around the twist!)
Love 'em all dearly, really I do, but I just need a bit of peace and quiet.

[Stanley]

Who did the cooking.......

[Marilyn]

( sigh)... ME of course! ( and the meal planning, buying of food, transporting of food, defrosting of the right food for the right day etc...and after the cooking they all disappear and there is no one to help with the dishes...typical houseboat holiday!)
We had some lovely meals. I always put my heart and soul into cooking for them.

I'm not going again. Febby can accompany the adult kids alone. It is no fun being the only female on board ( and previously when the 'boys' have bought girlfriends they ( the girls) are totally useless objects when it comes to the kitchen...only good for making pretty alcoholic cocktails all day long. No point breaking a nail, is there?!)

This really is my last one...I mean it...( I really am quite adamant Stanley...)

[Wendyf]

Do you think they would go without you along to look after them Maz?

[Stanley]

Try making them hire a cook for one trip....... Then put in a tender!

[Marilyn]

I wish they would try it, Wendy.
But I think they would all have acute gastro by the end of day 3.
( they refuse to follow the rules of handling and preparing food...I have tried to teach them over the years...given our extreme heat conditions and the flies that abound up the river. Have even seen them come in from fishing and wipe their hands on the tea towel! Honestly, I fear they would poison themselves...)
I place soap and hand sanitizer all over the place, but being 'blokes' they won't use it.
And yes...guess what?...they all got gastro ( except me) this trip and blamed the cook. Believe me, it was NOT the cook, or the food. Lack of hand washing and far too much beer may have done it! ( and drunken requests for ' more garlic' and ' more chilli' in the dishes.)
I actually got a sadistic pleasure out of watching them all run backwards and forwards to the loo by mid week.
( I smiled as I quietly applied more hand sanitizer to my own hands...)