Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tardis]

"If I had a Hi-Fi" is the new single by The Palindromes

[Bodger]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[Stanley]

That's cruel!!

[Tardis]

Pink panthers to do list:
To do,
To do,
To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo, to do

[Tardis]

I tripped over a bra today.
I think it was a booby trap

[Tardis]

Why are skeletons always so calm?

Because it's very difficult to get under their skin

[Tardis]

I've just heard the window cleaner outside swearing profusely and throwing his ladders around.

I think he's lost his rag

[Tardis]

Man broke into a flower shop & cut off the heads of all the flowers & stole the stems.

Police are looking for a stalker

[LizG]

Keep them coming.

[Gloria]

A Poem.

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
it tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with councelling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
it washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off!

[LizG]

I love it; I suspect I live with someone who would agree with that!

[Stanley]

Backseat drivers and penknife joiners all finish up in the same place.....

[Tardis]

Why do dragons sleep during the day?

Because they always fight knights.

[Cathy]

Enjoyed your poem Gloria, it reminded me of Mrs Boquet

[Bodger]

Man goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll
Salesman, male or female ?
Customer, female
Salesman, black or white
Customer, white
Salesman, christian or muslim
Customer, whats the difference
Salesman. the muslim blows itself up

[Bodger]

Russian / Ukranian border
Guard, 'nationality'
visitor,' Russian'
guard, 'occupation'
visitor, 'no, just visiting''

[Stanley]

Very good Bodge! However, it may be quite an extended visit......

[chinatyke]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am SO sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[Big Kev]

I read in the local paper last weekend that this farmer came up with a scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that would be at least twice the size of normal ones. To do so he had to re-mortgage the farm.
Things appeared to be going well, but he then hit problems.
The genetically modified sheep although larger than normal sheep were not as big as forecast and to make matters worse, he started to fail on making the repayments on the mortgage. In the end the lender repossessed the farm, leaving him penniless and without anywhere to live - but they did leave him his "new" sheep.

I thought this sounded like a made up story, but tonight I saw him outside the Co-op selling biggish ewes.

[Big Kev]

http://themetapicture.com/if-wwi-was-a-bar-fight/

[chinatyke]

http://themetapicture.com/if-wwi-was-a-bar-fight/

Love the analogy. If only it was that simple...

[Stanley]

Simplistic but very accurate!

[Tizer]

Ah, the old jokes...Barry Cryer on the Radio 4 BH programme this morning, when asked about parrot jokes:-
Lady goes into pet shop to buy a parrot...
Shopkeeper: This is my best parrot but it previously lived in a brothel.
Lady: Oh, I don't mind that, I'll take it.
She goes home with the parrot and it looks around and says "New place, very nice". The she puts it on its perch and it says "New curtains, lovely". A little while later her husband comes in and the parrot says "Hello Keith".

[Tripps]

"Ah, the old jokes..."

On BBC this morning....

Man goes into cake shop - 'do you sell wasps'?

Shopkeeper 'No of course not'

Man ' well - there's one in the window'

[Stanley]

I heard that one as well.