Old fashioned clean jokes

[Tizer]

Another Barry Cryer...
A woman is in the bathroom dressing up to go out and she calls her husband in.
Wife: `Does my bum look big in this?'
Husband: `Well, be fair love, it is only a small bathroom.'

[Stanley]

Heard on Woman's Hour yesterday. Grayson Perry and his wife Phillipa were getting dressed for a night out. Grayson says to her "Do you think this is appropriate?" She says, "Grayson Dear, you're a middle aged man in a frock, I think we left 'appropriate' behind a long time ago!"
I like Grayson Perry......

[Tardis]

I used to have a job in origami.
Until the company folded

[Tardis]

Life Lessons

[Stanley]

[Tardis]

How did the tree feel in the spring?
Releaved

[Tardis]

Loafers:

[Big Kev]

If this were a true story I would loved to have been there

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM ASDA
Yesterday I was at my local Asda buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Asda. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[Stanley]

Good one. I shall be forwarding it to my correspondents..... If it's not true it is very clever and witty!

[Big Kev]

A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to bugger off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in..
OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloody didn't."

[Stanley]

I like it, never heard that one before....

[Bodger]

A guy and girl meet in a bar, they end up back at her place, they go to the bedroom, the guy takes his shirt of and then washes his hands, he then takes his trousers off and again washes his hands.
The girl says you must be a dentist
Guy, how do you know?
Girl, you keep washing your hands.
They finish up in bed and make love,the girl says" you must be a brilliant dentist", the guy with a big ego says, sure how did you figure that out ?
Girl, I didn't feel a thing

[Bodger]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________




________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

[Cathy]

i am enjoying your humour Bodger, keep 'em coming

[Stanley]

I agree Cathy, both those were new to me.....

[Bodger]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Iranian bloke standing on a fifth floor
balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that
rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his
climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

[chinatyke]

Daftland

We live in a country called Daftland
The England we knew is no more
Where sensible people do ludicrous things
Or risk breaking some Daftland law.

In Daftland we've police dogs with muzzles
Less the villain has cause to complain
And to steal from a shop and say 'sorry'
Means your free with no stain to your name.

You had better leave lights on in buildings
When you lock up and go home at night
'cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering
And there's no way you'll be in the right.

When speaking be wary in Daftland
As some terms that you've used all your life
Now have connotations unintended
And you'll end up in all sorts of strife.

We elect politicians in Daftland
To give us the laws of the land
Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad
The whole thing has got out of hand.

The borders are open in Daftland
And of migrants there's no keeping track
Just a few of the thousands illegally here
Will ever be caught and sent back.

The exception to this is the hero
Who fought for this land in the war
He's old and he's sick, he might cost us a bit
So he's not welcome here any more.

When the history is written of Daftland
Historians may just recall
That the craziest people in Daftland
Were the public who put up with it all.

[Big Kev]

http://m.tickld.com/x/if-50-shades-of-g ... n-by-a-man

[Stanley]

Well done Kev! Very clever.....

[Tizer]

Heard on Radio 4's News Quiz, a report in a US paper about Santa Barbara beach: "Lifeguards have set up a tannoy system to broadcast a message reminding walkers to collect and remove their dog's poo. The tannoy is said to be motion activated."

[Stanley]

"Arthur broke the window to make his escape with a large stool he found in the corridor".

[Tripps]

Alleged to be from Ed Miliband's cousin -

Pat wanted to sell his car, so Mick told him to wind the mileage back and he would get a better price for it. When he saw him a few days later, he asked how he got on, and Pat told him that when he finished winding it back it only had 7000 miles on the clock - so he decided to keep it. .

[Gloria]

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant,
and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around,
before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes,
looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,
explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

(You're going to love this,
and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'......

[Cathy]

Awww but yeah I loved it.

[Gloria]

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the
car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £150,000 Mercedes as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies...
"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"