Family Matters

[Wendyf]

Been to visit Mum today and have come to the conclusion that my brother and I are going to have to make a decision about her moving into a care home. She won't make that decision herself, but is getting ill with anxiety over her future. She is frightened by her failing eyesight and can't come to terms with the patterns and pictures that she "sees" due to macular degeneration. The anxiety is making her nauseous and affecting her appetite which makes her even more anxious....She is also frightened of dying alone.
When I arrived there today I went to the loo and found the carpet squelched under my feet....there was water leaking from the feed pipe to the toilet cistern and when I pulled the carpet up the chipboard floor was totally soaked. She has a policy with Homeserve and, thank heavens, they sent a plumber round within 3 hours who replaced a washer and solved the problem. I just feel that the whole house is about to fail!
How are things with your dad and in-laws Tiz?

[Marilyn]

Oh dear.
Maybe a little 'holiday' at the farm whilst the floor dries out?! ( she won't be any trouble and she could give you heaps of neat advice about how to live your life, Wendy)

Errr.... ....maybe not ?!

[Stanley]

Wendy, It sounds as though you are going to have to take control and make the decision for your mother. I thank my lucky stars I was never in that position, it must be heartbreaking. As far as I am concerned the justification is that your mother's quality of life is non-existent. It's so sad..... All I know is that I would feel terrible if I was in your place. There is of course the attrition on your quality of life.

[Wendyf]

Mum has never been particularly happy about visiting either of her children....we can't give her our full attention in our own homes and she's not someone who can be left to do her own thing for even a few minutes. Anyway, we have too many steps!
Stanley, it is a difficult situation but at the moment I'm more angry than heartbroken (I know, I'm horrible). We have made so many attempts over the last few years to avoid getting into this situation, but Mum has refused to consider anything that we have suggested. Even yesterday I was talking to her about the possibility of having a live in carer/companion as an alternative to going into a residential home and she just said that she couldn't possibly have someone living in her house.
All she wants is for everything to be back how it was.

[Sue]

Oh Wendy, this sounds so much like our story with Dad just over two years ago. I do feel for you. He too just wanted things to be as they had been.
As we were the only family members with a bungalow( dad being in a wheel chair) then the only alternative was stay with us, but there are steps in and out of the house and doorways were too narrow for dad to manoeuvre by himself, it just wasn't an option. We had to get neighbours to help us lift him and the wheel chair in and out of the house. As the steps are staggered through a front porch we couldn't even set up a ramp.
We persuaded Dad eventually to try the home for a week. This was after het another major crisis that saw is A&E at Blackburn general for 6 hours one sunday, after he had cut his catheter off. He agreed and then on the day absolutely refused to go as he ' had too much food in the house' which really was not so. Eventually he went and then wouldn't go home after the week. He decided to stay but forever I was told that I had put him there. However he didn't mean it and he did agree eventually that he was warm, well fed and had more company.

[Tizer]

How are things with your dad and in-laws Tiz?

I've only just seen your posts Wendy because I've been moving my dad into the Extra Care Home this week and it's been hectic and stressful! Typically, it all happened just when Mrs Tiz had to be away for a couple of weeks so I've been muddling through on my own (his Exeter operation happened when she away too). Dad will listen to what she tells him to do but ignores me most of the time, so it's been a bit tricky to say the least! Really I'm pleased for her sake that she was away, I don't see why she should have to carry the burden of my dad's demands especially at a time like this.

The pressure was on because when the council offers a tenancy you have to sign to accept it immediately or they offer it to someone else. Then they push you to sign the tenancy agreement within a day or two at the most or cancel the offer. The first flat was offered months ago but after pressuring us they ran into trouble because the previous occupant hadn't cleared their stuff and handed back the keys, by which time dad was in the middle of a 4-week course of radiotherapy. They wanted him to move in regardless but I refused and shamed them for harassing an owd fella at a difficult time for him. Eventually, after the radiotherapy, another flat came up and the pressure was back on.

Signed up and paid the first rent on Monday, chased the benefits people on Tuesday to make sure he would be able to afford it (no time to check in advance), arranged to be measrured for carpets on Wednesday and to be fitted on Thursday, found someone who could do the removals on Friday and he was in by 5.00pm Friday! Electric and phone had to be arranged but, guess what, they won't talk to me so I had to phone them from dad's house and get him to say "I give permission..." over the phone before they'd deal with me ("sorry, guv, Data Protection Act you know"...rubbish!). Arranged house contents insurance etc. He can't have the phone line yet because the previous person hasn't cancelled their account with BT for the line.

The week seems to have been a merry go round of dealing with people, some understanding and very helpful, others just downright obstructive and inflexible. The removals men made a big fuss because we hadn't taken the bed apart in advance but no-one at the company had told me it needing doing. I rang the company and complained but we got it sorted and in the end, after having talked to the two men about my dad's RAF service in the war, they shook his hand and said they were proud to meet him!

Of course dad wanted to take everything with him even though there wasn't enough space for it all in the flat, so he's sitting in a rather crowded lounge now. When I went to empty more boxes and put stuff away yesterday he'd been into someone else's flat and was complaining "Why do I have to have a small flat?". I explained that the flats were all the same size, he's just got too much in his flat! Before the move he kept asking me "What have you done with my coffee table?" and now thinks I've taken it. He has several small coffee tables and I think he moved them about before the removals and now thinks he had more! On Friday I filled his fridge and switched it on but when I got there on Saturday it was switched off...he's convinced it was me who switched it off! All this irrationality is one of the most difficult things to cope with.

The day before he moved he gave me a shock. As you may know he has been banned by the doctor from driving since his operation and the subsequent confused mental state. This was to extend until the doctor gave him permission to resume. In the meantime it's become more obvious that he shouldn't be allowed to drive again and the doctor has written to the DVLA to get their reponse. Dad's car battery is flat and his insurance was about to run out and this helped make sure he didn't drive. The shock was when he told me he'd had someone put a new battery in the car, had paid £820 (!) to Saga Insurance to renew his policy and had been out driving in town! I tried to get him to see that he was banned and would be in deep trouble but he insists the doctor can't ban him. Also his insurance will be invalid because he hasn't declared the ban or any of the discussions with the doctor and the DVLA. Fortunately I managed to `steal' his car keys during the move and I'm due to have a phone discussion with the doctor about it tomorrow. He gets very angry and says there's nothing wrong with his driving...I'm trying to explain that no-one's saying he's a bad driver but that he's suffering confusion that could lead to an accident. But he won't have it. He's even talked about changing his doctor on the assumption that he'd then be OK to drive again. I'll let you know what happens when I talk to the doc tomorrow but it seems to be a case of no-one accepting the responsibility of stopping him.

One good bit of news. He had his first 2-course lunch their yesterday and said "It was steak & kidney pudding and it was really good!" Thank goodness he thinks it's better than his usual supermarket 89p ready meal!

Sorry, I haven't even mentioned the in-laws...Mrs Tiz's sister is having to sort them!

[Wendyf]

Oh dear, you must be exhausted Tiz! If I feel like screaming, you must be ready to commit murder! What patience you must have.
Glad to hear that you have got your dad into the flat at last, but what a shock to find he is driving again. I don't suppose Saga would agree to speak to you about your dad's policy if you tried to explain the situation to them. I had to "lose" my Auntie Muriel's car keys to stop her driving her beloved VW Polo. She kept parking it at the local M&S then forgetting where it was, the security men got to know her quite well.
Sue, it's horrible isn't it. I want to make everything all right for her - but I can't. We were brought up with "don't upset your mother!" ringing in our ears, (Dad treated her like a princess) and we have both tried our best not to for all these years...now it seems to be beyond our control.

[Stanley]

Reading the posts above convinces me that you are all Saints and are assured of a place in Heaven (if it exists!).
Wendy, you are definitely not horrible and it's allowable to be angry. You also have the burden at the back of your mind of guilt but again, that's allowable, nice people always assume that whatever life event has hit them it's probably their fault. All I can say is that if ever I get to the stage where I'm being unreasonable my kids will be as understanding with me! (God forbid!)
As for the driving, you all know what my attitude to that is, have enough sense to kick the car and licence into touch while you are still a good driver. I know all the arguments that are raised against it by the driver but none of them trumps the fact that even the best drivers have handicaps like eyesight and reaction times and I'm convinced that from 70 onwards drivers should have to pass a severe test in order to keep their licence.
I hope things settle down for you soon.....

[Marilyn]

Tiz...I know this is not a situation that calls for laughter...but they could make a comedy show about your father!
The effort, planning, and orchestration of getting himself back behind the wheel is really quite ingenious ( for a confused fellow).
He really does have a naughty side to him ( he would be the type to incite a group of old folk to escape a locked care facility en mass).
What do you do with a father like that?
I don't know. ( good thinking to get those keys...but I have a feeling that is not going to stop him unfortunately)

Any chance of introducing your Dad to Wendy's Mum?

[Stanley]

Maz, you are a naughty girl!

[Wendyf]

Whats his address? I'm sending her down to Somerset today.

[Marilyn]

I am just thinking they would keep each other busy and whilst doing that would keep each other out of trouble.
I think Tiz's Dad could be very entertaining indeed...never a dull moment.

[Cathy]

I keep seeing Mr Meldrew in my head, oh dear.

It must be awful when he has a clear moment to see how different his life is.

[Marilyn]

....and with a little Spring Magic in the air...who knows...( " a leeeetle romance maybe....hey hey hey" as Peppe La Phew would say...

[Tizer]

I've got a better solution Wendy, I'll put him on the train to Barlick!
I've got the feeling there might be a `Last of the Summer Wine' thing about to begin in the Extra Care House. Dad's already met up with the resident I call `John Caravan' (JC) and they might be plotting already. JC was one of the old-time farm labourers in our village and lived in a caravan for 30 years on the farm - I knew he'd moved to a `home' of some kind but got a surprise when I took my dad to Gibb House and heard JC shouting my name down the corridor. Some folk in the village regarded him with suspicion because he's a `rough diamond' and...how shall I put it....a few pence short of a pound. Mrs Tiz and I always got on with him well and we didn't treat him as if he were `different' like some people did. So I think he's decided to make sure my dad's comfortable and he's already arranged for his newspaper to be delivered. Dad's car is at the old house and I've got the keys but if it goes missing I'll know the two of them have hot-wired it and are probably blazing down the motorway to Newquay with surf boards on the roof!

I hung dad's 15 or more framed pictures on the walls this morning - Battle of Britain Memorial Flight in the centre of one wall (picture obtained courtesy of Tripps!) and the Red Arrows on the opposite, with plenty of smaller ones dotted around. He's preening himself because people keep asking him about being a `fly boy'! With luck, he'll be more sociable now than he has been in the past and might make some friends.

Wendy, don't feel bad about being angry, it has to happen and otherwise you'll only bottle it up and that'll be worse in the long run. As Maz said some time ago, "Don't beat yourself up about it".

Sue, the catheter story reminds me of my dad's time in Exeter hospital. The night after his op he pulled out the drain tube (he'd had a lymph gland removed) and they found him wandering the wards.

[LizG]

Marilyn, My friends father, suffering from Alzheimer's, did head up an escape group at his facility. They managed to get out of the buildings and into the grounds before they were 'caught'. After that he had to wear an ankle bracelet so they knew where he was all the time. Very funny but sad at the same time.

[Marilyn]

I used to visit Nursing Homes and Care Facilities as part of my job and I soon learnt that the residents hanging around the doors acting as though there would be someone to pick them up any moment...were all potential escapees!
And very clever some of them were too...

[Stanley]

Cathy, you're right and I thought about Victor same as you. You're also right about the moments of self-doubt he must have. Losing what he sees as freedom must be very hard to come to terms with. I've tried to think about how I would react and hope that I'd be more amenable but who knows? These are human beings and human stories and we would do well to realise that it could come to this with us one day.

[Marilyn]

I think we have all threatened to live long enough to become problems to our children. I know I have.

I think my husband is showing signs of Victor Meldrew...

[Wendyf]

I'm going back to Leeds again to see Mum, she is getting more panicky and anxious but doesn't want to call a doctor in case they send her to hospital. I need to call one if she doesn't.
I went to have a look at a care home in Crosshills that I first visited a couple of years back. It has larger rooms than usual with a small kitchenette at one end and room for a couple of easy chairs & a tv. Its a 1980's building which has big windows - she will like that. I just can't imagine the process of getting her there!

[Tizer]

Dad's flat consists of a bedroom about 11 x 11 foot and a combined lounge and kitchen were the lounge area is about 12 x 11 foot and the kitchen area perhaps the same. There is a large hallway that can take plenty of cupboards and the bathroom is very big - they vary from flat to flat depending on what previous occupants have needed but this one is a wet room with a special chair under the shower area and it has a big walk-in airing cupboard that provides extra heat from the hot water tank. Each room has one of those cords hanging from the ceiling to summon help and there is an internal phone as well as the normal BT external line. The front door is an electric opener designed for wheelchair users but it's a good idea because the hydraulic closers (fire safety?) on many doors these days are quite powerful and difficult for a weak person to push open.

[Cathy]

Just wondering about these electrically opening doors... What happens if there is a power outage, does a generator take over? Would hate for a powercut and a fire to happen at the same time. I imagine with todays OH&S they would have every eventuality covered.

[PanBiker]

Modern electronic door systems are linked into the fire system and will automatically default to open in an emergency situation. The last school I worked in had security enabled magnetic latching on all the doors. Entry was via individual swipe card. In emergency all doors defaulted to de-latch. Any designated fire exit doors to the outside were one way only and mechanically secured and opened from inside the building only.

[Stanley]

Isn't it nice to have experts on the site.....

[Wendyf]

Well, the doc came and prescribed anti-depressants for Mum. I don't know if she will take them, but fingers crossed she will, and they will help her cope.