Old fashioned clean jokes

[Cathy]

Might have to wait for Bodger I reckon.

[Stanley]

I think all cultures have a group who are quite unfairly the butt of jokes. In Yorkshire it used to be Derbyshire men, in Ireland it was the Kerry men and in the States it was Polack jokes. (Polish) We of course have Tacklers! Ernie Roberts who was a tackler said that tacklers were weavers with the brains taken out.

[Tripps]

The email said the delivery would be here in the hour following 10:27 am, and the van driver was called Dave. A likely story thinks I. More likely to be Vladimir. He arrived at 10:30 and actually was a Dave. That makes two of us I quipped - 'and if there were three' he said 'we would be a posh submarine'. As usual I was a bit slow on the uptake - till he walked back to his van calling out "Dave, Dave, Dave"

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to

take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me

being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.’

You put down, 'Neither do I.’ "

[Stanley]

[chinatyke]

Dave had proposed to Maggie and been accepted. "But", added Maggie, "before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."

"No," said Dave, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."

After they were married and had gone off for their honeymoon in Settle, they were strolling along the riverside, hand in hand, Maggie again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".

"No," said Dave, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."

That night as they got into bed Maggie declared "Well, Dave, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin."

Dave didn't say a word but put on his clothes and walked all the way back to his mother's house in Barlick.

"Dave!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon? "

"It's no good, Mam" said Dave, "I've had to leave Maggie, it turns out she's a virgin!!"

"Well, Dave," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village then she's not good enough for you."

[chinatyke]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee-whiz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again."

[Marilyn]

Well... I would give that the tick of approval as an Aussie Joke!

[Stanley]

Two good ones China! The first one.... the old ones are always good! The second.... never heard that one before.... I must have a black sense of humour, loved it!

[plaques]

A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at a top restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

I have 2 tickets for the Euro 2016 Football Final, unfortunately I've since found out it's on the same day as my wedding so I won't be able to go.

If anyone is interested it's at St Andrew's Church and the girl's name is Sarah...

[Stanley]

I am confused..... Can't go to the match or the wedding? I get the feeling I have missed something here!

[Tizer]

I was puzzled at first too, Stanley, but you and I take things too literally. It's one of those jokes that's going the rounds on email, so it's usually prefaced with something like: I received an email from a friend and it reads: "A mate of mine has two tickets....[rest of Kev's message]". The joke is that it starts off sounding like he's offering his footie ticket because he has to go to his wedding on that day. But then you realise he's putting footie first and offering his wedding instead! Got it?

[plaques]

and offering his wedding instead!

Never thought of it in any other way! What does that say about me?

[Stanley]

Quite obvious that in some areas of comprehension, once we have exceeded the bounds of logic, P is better equipped than us Tiz! This might explain why I am told that certain books are 'classics' and I can't get the juice out of them! Let's face it, in that area we may be limited but when it comes to dealing with physical certainties we are superb!! (This may explain why we are better at posting images.....)

[Tizer]

Mrs Tiz and me often have breaks in communication because (she says) I'm too logical. She sometimes has to explain to me what is meant in a newspaper by a piece of text and I complain that it doesn't say that, it means something else. On the other hand, though I might often be logical I've always been creative and surprise people by coming up with innovative approaches to problems. But perhaps that's the best combination (I tell myself!).

[Stanley]

I have the same problem Tiz but have never regarded it as a matter of regret. Horses for courses!

[Bodger]

Bumper sticker of the year: ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher –
and since it’s in English, thank a soldier’

[chinatyke]

2 old blokes, Dave and Pete, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Dave was dying, Pete visited him every day.

One day Pete said, "Dave, we’ve both loved playing cricket all our lives, ever since school. Please do me a favour: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's cricket there."

Dave looked up at Pete from his deathbed and said, "Pete, you've been my best mate for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Dave died.

A few nights later, Pete was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Pete...., Pete...."

"Who is it," asked Pete, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Pete... it's me, Dave"

"You're not Dave. Dave just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Dave," insisted the voice.

"Dave where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Dave. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Pete.

"The good news," Dave said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is cricket in heaven. Better yet, all of our old mates who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired. "And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.

"That's fantastic," said Pete "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're opening the batting next Tuesday."

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

For Stanley, i know he likes Jewish humour
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
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[Big Kev]

Pi.jpg

[PanBiker]