Old fashioned clean jokes

[Big Kev]

[Stanley]

I'm getting old. I read it twice before the penny dropped, Punch and Judy of course. Then I realised the real point, the date......

[Tizer]

From a Jewish web site:
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?
God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replies, “In a second.”

And another:
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

[Stanley]

It's probably non-PC to say it but I love Jewish humour.......

[Tripps]

Why is it not PC?

I'd ask Lionel Blue, but it's too late.

[Stanley]

Don't ask me! (But someone somewhere.....)

[Tizer]

One of the great things about Jewish humour is that they laugh at themselves - I wish those of other religions would do the same, and especially the fundamentalists. I recently watched a Wallace & Grommit film and afterwards thought how good it would be if we could get all those warring bands like ISIS etc to sit down and watch W&G films!

[Stanley]

A man commented to a Jew that his race always answer a question with another question. He responded "Do they?"

[Big Kev]

I got kicked out of a karaoke bar last night for trying to sing Danger Zone three times in a row.

The bouncer told me I'd exceeded my Loggins attempts.

[Bodger]

>The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive
clap of
>thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more
>thunder rumbling in the distance...
>The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,
she's arrived.

>Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.
>'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
>'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
>'A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?'
>'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

>A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take
>to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
>The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
>'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

Thanks Bodge, loved the first joke especially.

[Stanley]

Two golfers playing nine holes. A funeral cortège passed on the nearby road and one of them removed his cap and stood reverently as it passed, his mate followed suit and after they had resumed their round said to his friend that he was quite impressed by his respect. the other replied "Least I could do. If she'd lived another week we'd have been married for forty years".

[Tizer]

Barry Cryer did one of the old jokes the other evening...A gorilla goes into a bar and buys a pint of beer. "We don't usually get gorillas in here", said the barman. The gorilla replied: "I'm not surprised at these prices".

[Stanley]

The old ones are still good jokes......

[Bodger]

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[Cathy]

You b*gger Bodger. Good one.

[Stanley]

Spotted on a notice board in Rio Hondo College, Whittier California

[Cathy]

This one is for you Stanley

FB_20170521_22_09_42_Saved_Picture.jpg

[Stanley]

I regret to have to say that it worked Cathy!!

[Bodger]

I may have posted this before ?
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words, Complete and Finished. Some people say there is no difference between Complete and Finished.

However, there is a difference:

When you marry the right woman, you are Complete.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are Finished.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are Completely Finished!

[Stanley]

Never heard that before Bodge. It's a good one!

[Tizer]

Cathy, I liked your post - must pass it on! Thanks.

[Stanley]

It got me as well Tiz!

[Cathy]

Sign seen outside a Bakery.
"Unattended children will be given Espresso"