Old fashioned clean jokes

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Stanley
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 29 Nov 2018, 03:56

Quite.... Some of these 'jokes' are actually very pointed and accurate social comment. Here's one I came across yesterday in Private Eye....
Have you ever come across an organisation called 'People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals' (PETA)? They are currently in the news for demanding that the Parish Council of the village of Wool in Dorset change the name of the village to 'Vegan Wool'. (LINK) They have form.... in 2016 they demanded that Bacon and Egg Bay in Tasmania change the name to 'Apple and Cherry'. And the request that the pub in St Albans change its name from Ye Olde Fighting Cocks to 'Ye Olde Clever Cocks' to celebrate intelligent chickens.
One has to wonder about the thought processes of these people......
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 30 Nov 2018, 09:49

On `Thought for the Day' this morning:
I was on a bus in Scotland and a man, who'd had a lot to drink, stood up at the front.
He shouted: `Who gave us television?....A Scotsman!'
`Who gave us penicillin?....A Scotsman!'
`Who gave us the steam engine?....A Scotsman!'
`Who gave us the telephone?....A Scotsman!'

Then a passenger shouted: `Who gave you your whisky?
And the passengers all shouted `A Scotsman!'

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 01 Dec 2018, 05:01

All perfectly true! Scotland's most important export has always been skilled and intelligent people.
Whisky is a bit problematical, the accepted view is that they took the concept of distilling from Northern Europe and that was how the classic 'water of life' was evolved and we got single malt.
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 09 Dec 2018, 02:41

One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat and lose all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car, and your home brewing equipment..."

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, “I wasn't........"

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Bodger » 09 Dec 2018, 08:06

Nice one "China"
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of ‘My Dog’, dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 10 Dec 2018, 04:48

Two good ones...... :biggrin2:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Bodger » 11 Dec 2018, 11:19

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Bodger » 11 Dec 2018, 11:24

A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbor decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.
The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'
The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.'
'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian, you learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit!"

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 12 Dec 2018, 04:40

Two more good ones....

One bat to another as they hung upside down in their cave.... "What worries you most about getting older?" "Incontinence....."
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 16 Dec 2018, 09:31

I thought the kids were going to be sick when I told them I'd put ginger in their curry.

They loved that cat...
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 17 Dec 2018, 04:49

That's a bit sick :good:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 17 Dec 2018, 04:56

Big Kev wrote:
16 Dec 2018, 09:31
I thought the kids were going to be sick when I told them I'd put ginger in their curry.

They loved that cat...
I'll use that one at our Christmas dinner next week!
:good:

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 17 Dec 2018, 06:11

Trust you...... :biggrin2:
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 19 Dec 2018, 10:05

The Times has a Feedback column each Saturday and it always ends with a few amusing letters or comments. Here's a few from last week...

Annette Weaver found saintliness in the unlikely setting of a report on sponsored motorways. "I was heartened to read that the proceeds would be used for `maintenance and beatification efforts'.

Robert Colbeck "was impressed by the reported output of the brussels sprouts farmer who, according to your caption, produces `billions' of sprouts every year. After a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation, I reckon that just one billion sprouts would occupy a volume of 50 million litres - enough to fill 20 Olympic-sized swimming pools." [The us of London buses, Wales and such swimming pools as an expression of size is the butt of long-standing amusement from readers.]

A letter sent to the editor of The Times in 1930: "Sir, Travelling south this evening by the Midday Scot the item `Scotch Trifle' in the dinner menu attracted my attention, and I naturally expected with pleasurable anticipation a cream-covered trifle flavoured with whisky (and no charge for the whisky). Imagine my rage to find that in reality the name implied merely the use of custard instead of cream. I call the attention, Sir, of the Prime Minister to these insults to the Scottish name."

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 20 Dec 2018, 03:43

I like them.....
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 22 Dec 2018, 10:11

David Dimbleby was guest editor on the Today programme this morning and John Humphrys tried to interview him in the last few minutes. There was some amusing banter about questioning politicians and Dimbleby recalled being present when Robin Day interviewed the then Home Secretary. After the interview Day spoke to Dimbleby:
Day: What did you think of the interview then?
Dimbleby: The answers were not very helpful.
Day: Not the answers, you fool, the questions!!
:smile:

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 23 Dec 2018, 03:38

I suppose we need adversarial questioning but sometimes it annoys me and gives the impression that rather than seeking the truth, the questioner has an entrenched point of view. It must be a very difficult balance to strike.
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Big Kev » 24 Dec 2018, 10:03

Jokes about white sugar are rare but jokes about brown sugar, demerara :-)
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 25 Dec 2018, 03:45

I like jokes that rely on word play like that Kev.
My favourite is 'The weasel is weasilly distinguishable but the stoat is stoatally unrecognisable'
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tripps » 29 Dec 2018, 13:16

From Michael Cricks postings - I hope he doesn't mind. :smile:
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Born to be mild. . .

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 30 Dec 2018, 03:41

Loved it.....
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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Tizer » 30 Dec 2018, 09:58

That notice was also mentioned in Patrick Kidd's `Diary' in The Times on Saturday.

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by chinatyke » 01 Jan 2019, 08:50

Save My Chickens



Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said:

SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, "Sure. Put up your own sign."

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, "How is the problem with the speeding drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed since then."

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.

So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign...

NUDIST COLONY
Slow down and watch for chicks!

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Cathy » 01 Jan 2019, 09:29

:smile:
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here. :)

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Re: Old fashioned clean jokes

Post by Stanley » 02 Jan 2019, 04:37

Clever, I like it...... :biggrin2:
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