Old fashioned clean jokes

[Cathy]

Thanks Bodge, I needed a good laugh.

[Tizer]

Mrs Tiz's sister sent this from an email she received...

Julie Andrews Turning 79
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used: (Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

[Big Kev]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[Stanley]

The old ones never wear out Kev!

[Big Kev]

The old ones never wear out Kev!

I like to recycle

[chinatyke]

Last week my small granddaughter got lost in Boundary Mills. She approached a security guard and said, “I've lost my granddad.”
The guard asked, “What's his name?”
The child replied, “"Granddad.”
The guard smiled and asked, “But what's he like?”
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, “Cans of lager and women with big breasts.”

[Tizer]

Great jokes, thanks!

[Gearce]

You may have read it before ...... You may have heard it before ...... It may even have been posted on OGFB before, but what the heck.

Old men may walk slow ... BUT they think F A S T

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

Coming closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned,

'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

[Bodger]

Two men on the train
one says' i can tell where a persons from by looking at their face, and you are from Lancashire !'
other man,'nay lad am fra Yorkshire, but ave bin poorly'

[Tizer]

Paul Merton quoting Les Dawson on `Just a Minute':
"I can always tell when the mother-in-law's coming to our house - the mice jump onto the traps!"

[Gearce]

SENIORS' SPECIAL $2.99

I love it..................................

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs.."

"Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!" stated the waitress..

"I'll take the special then," my wife said..

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

[Tizer]

Daniel Finkelstein in The Times related a story told him by the Chief Rabbi, Lord Sacks, who is a soccer fan supporting Arsenal. When George Carey became Archbishop of Canterbury he told Sacks that he too supported Arsenal so the two of them went together to watch the team play against Man United. The Arsenal fans came out at the end disappointed after being beaten 6-2. One of them asked Sacks "Is this final proof that God doesn't exist?" but Sacks replied "No, it proves God does exist but that he supports Manchester United".

[plaques]

My wife bought me a racing snail for my birthday. Something I can keep pace with.
Unfortunately, in the last few races it came nowhere. I put the problem down to its shell being too heavy so I took it off. This made it even more sluggish

[Tardis]

What do you call a French sandal salesman whos going out of business?

Philippe Flop

[Tripps]

This is perhapsthe best spoof site I've ever seen - and from Yorkshire too.
Hilarious, but I still would not bet against one of them winning the Turner prize.

Yorkshire Sculprure Trail

[Tizer]

Lovely one David, I particularly like the bit in one of the descriptions saying "It symbolises the pointlessness of all human endeavour" - that's what people usually say about my attempts at art!

The former editor of The Dalesman was on the radio a couple of days ago, talking about Yorkshire folk. He related the story of the old Yorkshire chap who was close to death and asked his wife to light a candle by his bed.
Man: Light me a candle, love, to light my way.
Wife: We can't afford to be using up candles.
Man (later): Light me a candle to brighten my last hours, love.
Wife: Well, alright, but if you feel yourself going just blow it out.

[Bodger]

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being
carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers
have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
............................................................................

[Tizer]

That father of my schoolmate, the man who mixed up his words such as commuters and computers, told me one day in the 1950s that he'd been to see a film `about heroin' and enjoyed it. I asked why he was watching a film about hard drugs and how he could enjoy it. "I don't think she were tekin drugs" he said "but I wouldn't blame her after what Jerries did to her". His `heroin' turned out to be Violette Szabo, the French resistance worker, portrayed in the film `Carve Her Name with Pride'!

[Tardis]

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will track you down.

You have my Word

[Stanley]

I've been using insulting tape for years....

[Cathy]

2 young lads getting changed in the gym.

First lad says to the other 'Why is your thing different to mine?'

'I was circumcised at birth' says the second lad.

First lad says 'Did it hurt?'

Second lad "Yeah, It took me 12months before I could walk."

[Tardis]

Two 'relevant' jokes:

With my A Level results of A, C, D, C I managed to get into my chosen University!

Yes, I'm on the Highway to Hull!

and:

Despite getting A-Levels results of A, B, B, A, it seems no employer will take a chance on me!

[Tardis]

Where did Noah keep the bee's?

In the Archives

[Tardis]

What's green and runs around the house?

A hedge

[Tizer]

I think Tardis is regenerating as a comedian!