OneGuyFromBarlick

To view the previous `Clean Jokes' thread in the OGFB Archive, click here

There was a discussion about comedian Tony Hancock on the radio last week and his ability to use a pause to make something even funnier. This reminded one of the participants of American comedian Jack Benny who was known for being tight with his money:

Mugger: Your money or your life!
Benny: ........................[long silence]
Mugger: C'mon man, I haven't got all day, your money or your life!
Benny: Hold on, I'm thinking about it!

A large aircraft manufacturer was having a problem with its latest design, every time it banked steeply a wing tore off. They tried everything but nothing worked. A Jewish bicycle shop owner turned up one day and said he could cure it so, with nothing to lose, they let him have a go. He drilled a series of small holes across the root of each wing and said "Try that". They persuaded the test pilot to fly the plane and when he returned he reported it was cured. They asked the man how he had got the idea and he said "You mean you've never tried to tear toilet paper across the perforations?"

Not many jokes so far - I wonder if folk are not seeing this section of the site. It took me a little while to find where it was on the Board Index, in small italic print under the Regular Members Area. But perhaps it's just that I use the site differently to others. (You know what scientists are like!)

OK Tizer,
Paddy was overweight and went to the Doc., who told him to eat what he wanted for 2 days, skip the next day, and eat for the next 2 days, and if he followed that diet he would lose 5 pounds in two weeks, one month later Paddy went back to the Doc. who weighed him, Paddy had lost 55 pounds, the doctor asked Paddy if he was finding it hard to follow the diet, no replied Paddy, but skipping all day nearly kills me

I like it.....

Man walking along beach accompanied by a mangy black dog finds bottle in sand. Opens it and genie pops out, promises him a wish. Man points at dog and says make him young and beautiful again. Genie looks at dog and says "You must be joking, there are limits even to my powers" Man says OK, give me a passionate night out with Marilyn Monroe. Genie says "Let's have a look at that dog again...."

Tough Love vs. Smacking - Good Argument


Most people think it improper to smack children, so I have tried other methods to control kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
Your Friend

The Arab and the Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my
farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't
carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said
and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time..
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get
in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt,
and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

A Dog goes into a Labour Exchange (that dates the joke) and says "I'm looking for a job"
The chap behind the counter is amazed that he is looking at a talking dog , but doesn't show it...
"I think I can recommend the very thing"...he says, "There's a circus just about to open for business in the town square. Nip down there and you should be OK"
To which the dog replies.......
"Fine , but why would they want a plumber ?"


(....Taxi for Mr Bradley.... soon as )

....and whilest I'm at it ...here's a lovely bit of Bobby Thompson ("the Little Waster")....
I spent an awful lot of time around Spennymoor (Co Durham) in the 70's , and my ex-wife has family up there too....Never saw Bobby , but I wish I had .....
[BBvideo 425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdA26Bl0EEA[/BBvideo]

I understood about 80% of Bobby, at least he was not reliant on foul language to tell a yarn, now heres one, if you can watch it without laughing out loud youve no sense of humour.
[BBvideo 425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GD8k1CnV ... re=related[/BBvideo]

Not easy playing a convincing drunk , when you ain't.....
There's some lovely stuff in this clip of Bobby too !....[BBvideo 425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5Qb-v3d3CI[/BBvideo]
(we'll gan roond the front...she might have her weshin oot...it was a lovely drying day !)

"Doctor, doctor. I keep having this dream I'm a cowboy."
"That's quite allright, there's quite a bit of that around. How long has it been going on for?"

"About a yee-ha."

Nice one Cathy. Do you know why the Lone Ranger shot Tonto? He found out what kimosabe meant....

Black beauty...... now there's a dark horse. Nolic

Seen on Facebook - wasn’t sure whether to put it here or in the Genealogy section for the Nutter clan.

The original official council slogan reads: “A place where everyone matters” which is hideous - you get the impression everyone is covered in boils and sores whereas it’s only about 70%...

Edited: Sorry - image is tiny. But if you click on it, it pops up bigger.

When I see a sudden flurry of jokes like these from Barlickers it makes me think of Barlick being in one of those `snowstorm' ornaments that someone has just shaken up and all the snowflakes are floating down.

"Read all about it!" yelled the newsboy, hawking his newspapers on the corner.
"Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a businessman bought a paper. "Hey," he said, "There's nothing in here about 50 people being swindled."
"Read all about it!" yelled the newsboy again. "Fifty-one people swindled!"

Man rolls small balls of sheep dung into balls, covers them with melted chocolate and stands on street corner selling them as knowledge enhancing pills. Passer by buys one, sucks it for a minute and then spits it out. "It tastes terrible! Just like shit!" Vendor says there you go, it's working already! (Sorry about that....)

Great jokes Cath, Stanley.
On this snowy morning one of today's newspapers carries a cartoon showing a weather forecast that has the warning:
"Readers should stay indoors to avoid endless talk of Harry Redknapp."

From Andrew Neal last night on the Politics Show

http://www.conjunctivitis.com - A site for sore eyes.

Whoops - I didn't realise it was in fact a real site, but seems harmless.

Stanley, a variation,
an old man is in hosptal for the first time,needs a poo, so does one in the bed, is embarassed on how to get rid of the mess, so rolls it into balls and flicks it around the ward, next day is wife visits and leaves a bag of sweets, after she leaves he hands the sweets around the ward, the man in in the next bed say, i hope there better than the malteasers yesterday

That's worse than mine Bodge......

Oh Yuk, and here i am nibbling on licorice covered in chocolate! ( )