OneGuyFromBarlick

Dad type joke,

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our Local pet shop and they were £20!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are very excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist shop. Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Yes"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

JACK: "THEN WE'D LIKE TO USE THIS STORE FOR OUR WEDDING PRESENTS LIST..."

That reminds me of the one about the two bats hung upside down in a cave discussing the disadvantages of old age. One asked the other what he feared most, the answer was "incontinence".

A couple of nibs from yesterday's copy of The Times...

An announcement heard by a reader while the train pulled into Euston: `We apologise for the late arrival of this train. This was caused by a shortage of drivers due to a failed Virgin in the Leighton Buzzard area.'

The `upskirting' issue reminded a reader of the story about an American lady visiting Edinburgh who paused to admire a soldier's splendid kilt. "Tell me", she said, "is anything worn beneath it?" Quick as a flash came his reply: "No, madam, it's all in perfect working order."

As a matter of record, when I was with the Black Watch in Berlin I found that Queen's Regulations for Scottish Regiments stipulated that nothing was to be worn under the kilt......

Jewsih joke...
Bernstein walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

Nice......

An Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Australian, a Jew, a Muslim and a Gentile go into a bar (did I miss one??) and they all ask for a drink.
Landlord looks at them and says
"I'm so sorry guys but I can't serve you all without a Tie.".

I guess that joke makes more sense in Australia than it does here! Here it would be something like `I can't serve you without a cheque'.

It took a while before I checked in Tiz, I think he meant 'Thai'....... The Aussie connection is that many of them holiday there.....

Yes Tie means Thai.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, otally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some asshole's got my pen!'

I like it!

Does anyone know if the Arachnaphobia Society has a website?

A mention of times tables in Childhood Memories reminded me of this true story.
At a Parent/Teachers meeting at Gisburn Primary school a father got up and asked a question..... "Is it really necessary for our children to be made to repeat, parrot fashion, things like 8x9 is 78?"
I doubt if his wife ever let him forget that....... He answered his own question.

Not jokes but funny anyway
Journalistic Licence?
"For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand".

"Four-poster bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

I like all of them Cathy!

Heard an English lady say this today,
"Itchy bum, surprise to come."
Made me laugh.

Cathy wrote: ↑15 Aug 2018, 06:34 Heard an English lady say this today,
"Itchy bum, surprise to come."
Made me laugh.

and the second verse?

I could have done without the last part!
Never heard that one before Cathy.

The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.