Old fashioned clean jokes

[Stanley]

[plaques]

And one for Tizer.

.

Hearing test 3.jpg

[Stanley]

[Bodger]

The Agony of Aging … On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."

[Bodger]

Pregnant Prostitute … Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" She replied, "If you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!

[Stanley]

but they are getting worse Bodge!
> Agony: Why Seniors Never Change Their Passwords.
>
> WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
>
>USER: Cabbage
>
>WINDOWS:
>
> Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
>
>USER:
>
> Boiled cabbage
>
>WINDOWS:
>
> Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
>
>USER:
>
> 1 boiled cabbage
>
>WINDOWS:
>
> Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces
>
>USER:
>
> 50damnboiledcabbages
>
>WINDOWS:
>
> Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
>
>USER:
>
> 50DAMNboiledcabbages
>
>WINDOWS:
>
> Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
>
>USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !
>
>WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
>
>USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiedCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
>
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[plaques]

Stupid.jpg

[plaques]

Yoga.jpg

[Stanley]

That one is cruel P.....

[plaques]

Summer 2020.jpg

[Big Kev]

20200424_105317.jpg

[PanBiker]

Free to President Trump, as much as he can drink!

[plaques]

Support Dog.jpg

[Stanley]

[Big Kev]

A US vicar has died after injecting himself with disinfectant, Donald Trump has been charged with a bleach of the priest.

He has also suggested that any weight lifters, who can't get to the gym, should inject themselves with Mr Muscle.

[Stanley]

Don't put ideas in their heads.... some of them are thick enough to take you up on that!

[Cathy]

EB6880D5-02D3-4375-A5AE-A77B93604D79.jpeg

[Stanley]

Nothing like that in sight Cathy. Although there could well be a case for it!

[plaques]

dogs.jpg

[plaques]

Toilet.jpg

[Stanley]

I like that P!

[Cathy]

8B349347-6304-4C8A-AFFB-09B71E1F0041.jpeg

[Big Kev]

[plaques]

Cuddlig a Bear.jpg

[plaques]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

......................
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------------------
The sermon this morning:'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
----------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
----------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
.........................
And this one just about sums them all up:

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:

' I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'