Old fashioned clean jokes

[Marilyn]

The man who built our house was called Mr. Cow-meadow!

[Stanley]

My favourite strange name came to my notice when my mate Amado who had just completed his training as a Jesuit Priest insisted on going home to the Philippines to be ordained by Cardinal Sin. (LINK)

[Stanley]

Mention of Amado took me back 18 years to this Steve Bell cartoon of Blair and the Pope. Some cartoons are timeless! (Cant resist it, here's another....)



17 years ago Martin Rowson had this comment on the Hutton enquiry....

[Stanley]

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''

[Big Kev]

[Big Kev]

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[Tizer]

I like that one! An elderly lady living opposite us when I was a child was like that, she loved seeing what was going on. My dad used to get annoyed and sometimes stood at our window and snubbed his nose at her. But when my dad got to her age he spent as much time as she did peeping through the curtains!

[Tripps]

I read somewhere tonight that Professor Jonathon Van Tam was the model for Dangermouse's mate Penfold.

penfold.jpg

Can't see it myself.

[Stanley]

A woman goes into labour with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is OK to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

[Cathy]

[Stanley]

[Cathy]

When my daughter was born she had a Vietnamese look about her, our Postie was Vietnamese.

[chinatyke]

When my daughter was born she had a Vietnamese look about her, our Postie was Vietnamese.

Is that a confession?

[Cathy]

Now, now China ... No
But our friends thought it was a great joke for a while.

[Stanley]

I have another version of the milkman joke....
Young lad starts courting a girl in the next street. Father tells him he can't because the girl is his half sister. Mother tells lad later he can because his dad isn't his father. Gets complicated doesn't it!

[Bodger]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[Stanley]

I know I shouldn't admit it Bodge but I recognise that one!

[Stanley]

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

[Tizer]

That's a clever one!

This is from the end of a BBC news summary this morning: `And finally...The political editor of the Liverpool Echo has written of his bemusement at being offered a coronavirus vaccine - because his height of 6ft 2in had been wrongly recorded as being just 6.2cm. Liam Thorp says the mix-up was confirmed in a phone call from a "nervous sounding chap" at his GP surgery. The tiny measurement, combined with his weight, gave a body mass index of 28,000 - rather concerning when the NHS says 40 and above is severely obese. Mr Thorp says he hopes the "amusing" incident encourages other people who think they've been mistakenly offered a jab to contact health officials.'

[Stanley]

I heard that report Peter. The algorithm must have gone into a conniption when it came across that.

[Big Kev]

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[Stanley]

Janet once found a shack selling Coca Cola on the way up the Khyber Pass....All things are possible!

[PanBiker]

The former museum of Communist heritage in Prague is now a giant McDonalds.

[Big Kev]

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[Big Kev]

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